I shook my head slightly. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
Oliver looked at me, his eyes guarded. Worried. Nervous. How was he nervous right now?
“I have feelings for you, Desi. Strong feelings. And they got in the way. I’ve never been distracted like that before, so I tried to keep my distance from you. It didn’t work. Even when I avoided you, you were still on my mind. Constantly.”
My breaths came hard and fast. I felt like I might hyperventilate.
“I’m not alone in this, am I?” Oliver asked.
A hot, sludgy lump lodged itself in my throat, cutting off my air and access to my voice. My hands reached forward of their own volition, groping blindly until they found his chest. My fingers gripped the tough material of his uniform and pulled him closer.
“I think you know,” I breathed.
Oliver bent his head so his nose brushed against mine. My eyelids fluttered closed. Shaky breaths escaped my lips. His fingers cupped my chin, encasing almost my entire face. Fire erupted along my skin where he touched me. The burns on my cheek and neck tingled from his touch, but it wasn’t painful. My head spun, a flutter of incoherent and dizzy thoughts. I was no longer in control of my body. All I could do was stand there, frozen, like I was watching from a distance, unable to interfere.
“Yes, I think I know too,” Oliver whispered, his breath mingling with mine.
His words ignited something within me that roared and coursed through my body like a current of electricity. It was so shocking that it jolted me from my haze. Agony ached in my chest as I thought of Manuel and my parents.
Everyone close to me gets hurt.
My eyes snapped open as his top lip rubbed against mine.
I turned my face away. “Don’t,” I pleaded, my voice practically a squeak.
Oliver froze. Then his hand fell away from my cheek, leaving an icy absence in its place. He withdrew a fraction of an inch.
“Why not?” His eyes were hurt as he scrutinized me.
“Because—because this is exactly what we don’t want. To become attached like this, when we both have so much to lose. And I-I’m not even from this time! I have to get home! What will we do when that happens? How will we cope with that if we cross the line?”
“I think it’s too late to think about that,” Oliver said, lifting his chin in defiance. “I’ve already crossed it.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not too late. We can still protect ourselves from this.”
Oliver crossed his arms, his shirt bulging from the muscles I tried so hard not to stare at. “I don’t believe you.”
He’s right. I’ve already crossed the line, too. Warmth and moisture stung my eyes. I shook my head again, pressing my lips together. My heart pounded against my chest, and with each heartbeat, something raw and emotional threatened to open up and swallow me. I clung to the edge of the cliff of safety and certainty, but the longer I stared at Oliver, the more this danger pulled at my legs, trying to drag me to my death. Painful memories plagued me—memories of loving so much that it hurt, so much that when my parents died, I did too. A part of me was lost forever, and I never recovered.
I couldn’t go there again. I couldn’t even consider it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I can’t.”
Pain resonated in his eyes, and it sliced through me, cutting me deeper than I thought. It killed me to see him so hurt. But it was better than the alternative.
“Who’s pushing people away now, Desi?” Oliver challenged, his eyes flashing with anger.
He stepped back, now a safer distance from my body, though a chill of longing swept over me. My body ached for him to return, to close that gap between us.
But it was better this way.
“I know,” I said, my eyes closing. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just—”
“You just wanted to know how I felt so you’d be the one in control, right? You couldn’t stand it when you thought I’d rejected you, but if you reject me, it’s perfectly acceptable.”
“Oliver, no!” I cried, stretching my hand out to touch his chest, but he stepped back again. “It’s not like that, I swear. I-I . . .”
How could I explain that I longed for him and feared him at the same time? That I wanted to kiss him, be with him more than anything, but if I did, the pain of leaving would be so much worse? That I ached for him, yearned for him, and when I was on the cusp of tasting him, I was reminded of why I couldn’t? How could I explain why it had taken me so long to realize that? Being around him, feeling his warmth made me so open and vulnerable even when I didn’t want to be. Around him, my armor cracked. I had to push him away before my armor crumbled and fell away. Before I lost him like I lost everyone else.
“I—I have a job to do.” My voice shook. “I’m sorry, Oliver.”
Oliver’s cold eyes drilled into mine, his expression stony and empty. His jaw was clenched, but he jerked his chin up and nodded. “Yes. You’re right. We need to go.”
I blinked. “We?”
“I’m not going to let you go after a Second Tier demon alone, Desi.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “But what about . . .” I gestured vaguely between us.
Oliver smiled without humor. “Don’t fret, Desi. I can control myself. Whatever your feelings are, I still care about you, and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
Guilt wriggled in my stomach. “Thank you,” I whispered, touched by his kindness.
We stood there for a moment staring at each other. So many emotions and regrets and desires churned in our locked gazes. The energy between us burned with electricity and yearning.
I turned from him, snapping the energy in half like a twig. “All right, let’s go,” I muttered.
“Hold on,” Oliver said, raising
