I cried. And cried. Until my life of crying merged making me feel like the crying had never stopped from the moment I had been born.
But with the crying came a sensation, a feeling, a tugging at my heart. Something I had never felt before. I had never felt it before, but I knew what it was, and I listened. Silently.
The past could be erased. All of it. Thrown away. No matter who hated me, there was love. Someone who loved me. And that was Jesus.
I looked at the window, they sky. And said, "Please save me."
And I felt him come in my heart. I cried more. But this time they were tears of joy. And it bubbled inside of me like I had never known before.
Some tugged at the door.
I flipped the lock and cool air streamed inside as it opened.
"LeAnna, what's going on?" Felix climbed in beside me and shut the door.
"I – I'm okay. I got something right and I'm learning to let go of the past. In a way, I was still letting the past abuse me."
He cupped his hand over mine and smiled. "I'm proud of you, Anna. Let's go back to the gym now, you need a little more to eat."
It was hard to eat, but I managed to chew and swallow some casserole while groups of kids came laughing and running around the tables. Soon, Ella came down with Tina and brought her to her mother.
Ella motioned us over.
"Everything's going to be fine and hopefully there won't be any more problems. Tina really just needs friends."
"She talks like she has plenty."
She shook her head. "We will talk about it when we get to the house. Right now, finish your food and have fun. We're leaving in about an hour."
"Yes ma'am," I said and walked back to the table with Felix. "What is it with Tina? What is Ella going to tell us?"
"I'm not sure. I don't know much about her. First time I met her was about a year ago."
"But she said she's known you for years and that you and her are friends."
He shook his head. "I don't know what she's talking about."
I let it go. Continued eating and made it a thing to clear my head of thoughts. If I didn't, everything would get jumbled. Plus, I would find out soon enough at home.
When Sarah spotted me at the table, she hurried over and sat beside me.
"How are you? I was having to hep supervise the little ones but how do you feel now? Tom told me everything about your rib and how it flipped up. I didn't even know they could do that without breaking."
"Neither did I. But yeah, I feel much better now."
Later, Felix and I sat in the living room and Ella sat in front of us.
"I know it's easy to judge someone like Tina but the first question you should ask is why is she that way? And though she has a choice not to act out, her situation plays a big part."
"What's her situation?" I asked.
"Well, Tina and her mother had just started coming to our church last fall. And Mary had just told me about Tina the other day when they came to visit. She lost her real parents when she was eight and she's been in many foster homes since then. Mary took her in, and they've been trying to make it work. But Tina has been difficult. She struggles with jealousy and she doesn't have any friends. Her life has been hard and, LeAnna, I know you know how it feels to lose someone you love."
I shook my head, astonished. "I had no clue."
"Yes, I know. And it still doesn't make what she did right. But forgive her. And try to become her friend."
"I will. I promise, Ella."
The next morning, we went to church and after the service, Sarah led me outside.
"Come to the truck. We brought you clothes."
She opened the door and we carried two bags to our truck.
"Tomorrow's school," I said. "Miss heather is going to teach me in a separate room. I have a long way to go."
I was nervous for school. I probably had never been as nervous as I was then, knowing Monday morning was coming. I didn't want to ride a bus, I didn't want a tutor, and I didn't want to be away from the Carlsons. And I just knew everyone was going to stare at me, the new kid, the adopted girl. And not to mention my bones. I was sure to get made fun of. And there wasn't enough time for me to gain enough weight to not be noticed. I would just have to layer my clothes.
I gazed at the sky overhead as Sarah told me not to worry. She was talking, but I couldn’t hear her. I was focused on a feeling. Peace. And I watched the clouds swirl with blue.
Help me be brave tomorrow.
Chapter 19
School
Monday morning, Ella went to work – but before she had left, she prepared me. Telling me what to expect. Telling me to be confident. And helped me pick out something to wear. Which, as I stared at myself in the mirror, was skinny jeans and a grey sweater over a white button up. My legs looked long and of course skinny. And I would have never put on the jeans if it hadn't had been for Ella telling me to embrace who I am. I was worried to death someone was going to make fun of me.
After
