As we pulled away, I watched the window was he climbed the driveway.
"I love you too," I whispered.
"I think Felix might be catching on about Tom's feelings," I said under my breath to Sarah as I sat next to her again.
"Yes, I know. And if you notice, Felix isn't worried about Tom's depression anymore."
It started sinking in. The guilt. The shame. "All because of me. If their friendship is over, it's because of me."
"But it's not your fault," she said gently and touched my shoulder.
"Thanks, Sarah."
A few more stops ahead, Sarah left the bus with a slim dark-haired girl. Now, I was sitting alone and regretting being here. I should have gotten off. What was I thinking? I imagined Felix in my head and wondered what he was doing, thinking, saying. I wished I was with him right now instead.
Warmth touched my side as Tom sat beside me.
"It's supposed to get real cold next Friday," he said. I could tell he felt awkward. But he wanted to make conversation.
"Guess we'll have to bundle up more."
"Sure," he said. "Or you could just stay close to me."
Knew it. I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I couldn't trust him to ever behave. I pretended not to hear him. It was unconvincing and he probably knew I was faking, but I kept my eyes on the window like the scenery was just so fascinating that I suddenly lost my hearing.
"I'm joking, Anna," he said.
I didn't move. But I was thinking. Why did he call me 'Anna'? Only Felix called me that.
I kept staring at the neighborhood houses across the fields. The hills seemed to roll as far out as I could see. I imagined I was in the middle, rolling with them, swaying with the grass. No pain. No fear. No stress.
"We're here," Tom announced and I followed him off and up the driveway.
His feet crunched the leaves and the clouds moved quickly overhead and they changed shapes. I gazed at their cabin. Their big cabin. Two floors. I figured we could use an extra floor at our house. Maybe another living room. A place that was only for girls.
When we walked inside, Jane was sitting on the floor, folding towels into neat squares.
She smiled and looked up. "Hey kids." Then she looked again. "Oh, hello, LeAnna. I thought you were Sarah there for a moment. How are you? And where is that Sarah at?"
"Sarah's at Nancy's," Tom said. "We were assigned reading partners at school. That's why LeAnna's here. She's mine."
"I see. Well, you can read in the living room. I'll be out of the way in just a moment."
Two more towels were folded and then she took the pules in the next room.
"LeAnna, do you want a snack, dear?" She called.
"No, thank you," I said.
"Tom?"
"No."
She leaned back into the hallway, brushing the curls from her face. "Boy, I don't know where your appetite has gone," she said.
He shrugged and Jane disappeared down the hall shaking her head.
He took my books and sat them on the coffee table before sitting. I sat, too. But made sure to create distance between us.
"You can read first," I said.
He flipped the pages and then read the title. With a strong voice, he started the story and I listened. And the more I listened, the more comfortable I became. I found it funny how Tom acted out each voice and gave each character a different voice. When he made a groaning monster sound, I laughed. And my laughter fueled him to stand on the couch, close his eyes, and hold out his arms.
"Maaaaa!"
Jane came in quickly. Then, seeing her son, she laughed and went back to cleaning.
Once the story was over, we both laughed together.
"I don't think I could have found a better reading partner," I giggled.
He stopped laughing and stared at me. Then he smiled. "I think this acting has brought on some heat." He unzipped his jacket and laid it over a chair. Now it was noticeable. Without the bulk of his jacket on his body, he looked thin. Thinner than usual.
I took my jacket off, too. "You look like you've lost weight," I said.
"You do, too," he replied.
"Well, I have a reason."
"You don't think I do?"
I frowned. "I don't know."
"Well, I do. Trust me, I do."
"It's not healthy though, Tom. Why aren't you eating?"
"What makes you think I'm not?"
"Every time there's food around, you're always sitting in the corner."
He sighed. "Okay. Well, maybe I'm not eating. But I can't help it. I try to, honestly, I do try."
Jane came in again. I was getting the feeling that she was keeping an eye on us. I didn't mind. She picked something from the floor and left.
"It's your turn to read," he said, handing me the book.
I read the title and as I read the story, Tom watched. He listened. Every word. He was hearing more than the story. He was hearing me.
"The sky was dark. The full moon grazed the road. And she walked. She walked with the feeling she couldn't unload. The feeling of inten – intens…" I couldn't pronounce it. Tom scooted next to me and looked where I pointed.
"Intensive," he said.
"Intensive." I smiled. "The feeling of intensive fear."
The rest of our time went like this. I read and Tom never moved away to his side of the couch. He stayed next to me. And every time I struggled on a word, he helped me. Before it was over, we read another story each and then decided we were finished. The evening sun shined in. It was fading. It was time to go.
"Ella probably had dinner ready," I said. "And we've read enough for today." I stood and put my jacket on.
"I can take you home," he said. "I have a permit. I'm really not supposed to drive but – "
"It's fine. I'll call Ella to pick me up."
He frowned. "The phones over there." He pointed to the
