“What if we don’t go home?” she murmured into my neck. “What if we stay here? I could live in this tent and I promise I’d be really quiet and good.”
My heart hurt that she could even think that she’d do anything that would upset Colorado. “I don’t think we can stay here, sweetheart. Don’t you want a new house with your momma and me?”
“I guess, but it won’t have Coddlerdardo, and he’s funny.”
“We’ll see,” I murmured, and hated that I’d even said that. It was the cop-out that adults gave kids all the time, but what else could I say.
The conversation with Emma made my chest tight, and I made a mental note to contact a counselor, because even though she appeared happy and fine, I doubt she could have gone through everything without some issues. As to wanting to stay there, we couldn’t live there forever, because Colorado had a life, and he would move on. I carried that worry with me as we left Emma to play tea parties, and Maddie and I headed up to visit with Natalie.
She’d been there a few days, but the crying hadn’t stopped, and she was just another thing for me to worry about. She was the second part of my equation, and counseling alongside Emma could only be a good thing—if I could get her to agree. I knocked on the door, waited for her to tell me to come in, but when I heard nothing I pushed inside. The room was gloomy, the drapes drawn, and Natalie was nothing more than a lump in the bed. I pressed a hand to her forehead, but she wasn’t clammy, and she was awake and looking at me.
“Natalie? Did you check your sugar?”
She sighed as if I’d asked her to murder a puppy. “Stop that, I’m fine, I had breakfast. Simon brought it up to me.”
I could see the attraction between them. “He’s a sweet guy,” I said.
“But he saw me when I hadn’t even had a shower and I shouted at him.” She sat up, pulling the quilt with her and scooting back on the bed. I perched on the edge, Maddie asleep in my arms, and didn’t know where to start with any of this.
“I’m sure he understands.”
She shrugged as if she didn’t care, but I could see sadness in her eyes, and I wanted to make things better for her. I just didn’t know how at this moment, I just knew we needed to talk and clear the air.
“We need to talk,” she blurted.
Wait, that was my line. “Okay.”
“I messed up, Joseph, and I’ve ruined everything.”
“Simon won’t hold it against you that you were still in pajamas—”
“This has nothing to do with Simon.” Her face crumpled. “I went back into the house, for God’s sake, and for what, photos? I could have died, and then you would have had to…” The tears started again, great wracking sobs, and I gently lay Maddie in a nest of quilt and pulled my sister into my arms for a hug.
“Everything will be okay, I’ll fix it all.”
That didn’t go down well, if anything she was sobbing even harder, and the concept of getting counseling for her as well became a more concrete thing. Somehow we’d find the money and I would make it work.
“You can’t… I didn’t… Joseph…”
“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”
“It’s not… it never will be… I’ve lost it all.”
“You’re alive, Emma is downstairs, you’re with me. You haven’t lost anything that really matters.”
“The house, Bobby’s house, it’s gone, and it wasn’t…” She sobbed harder. “Oh god, Joseph, it wasn’t…”
“It wasn’t what? Nats, talk to me?”
She hiccupped with sobs, gripping my arm so tight she was going to leave bruises. “There’s so much I had to pay for, utilities, maintenance costs, the new refrigerator after the last one gave up the ghost, property taxes, and I was just looking for ways to be able to afford my insulin. I told myself it was okay not to have homeowners insurance. I mean, we own the house so it wasn’t as if we had a bank telling us what to do… what are the odds something bad could happen to our house?” The tightness in my chest became painful as I began to put two and two together. “I didn’t have insurance, Joseph, I’ve lost everything.”
Oh shit. Fuck. Fuck.
“It’s not a problem, nothing we can’t fix,” I lied. It seemed as if I was doing a lot of lying this morning, first to Emma, now Natalie, and I bet anything I’d be lying to Colorado later as well. Who wanted the truth when it was so painful? My sister and niece were homeless, hell, I was homeless, but I would make this work. I would. I just didn’t know where I’d start, or how we could recover but there was no way I was letting Natalie worry about this.
She cradled my face. “Joseph, you have to know Colorado likes you, I can see that, you could move in with him, and we could find somewhere—”
“I’m not staying here, and leaving you—”
“You have everything in front of you, a future, you’re so clever—”
“You’re my family,” I was close to shouting, “if you think I’m leaving you with no home, then you don’t even know me.”
“You could change the world, and if you stay—”
“Stop talking!” I snapped, and winced when Maddie startled.
Natalie’s expression crumpled. “What am I going to do?” She sounded broken. “If Bobby’s parents find out we have nowhere, and they demand to take Emma—”
Emma going anywhere with her grandparents who didn’t give a shit about her? Not on my watch.
“Emma is going nowhere, you’re going nowhere, and I’ll figure it all out. So you just need to let me do this, okay?”
By the time I left her I was utterly
