My heart feels heavy, knowing that everything I’ve worked so hard for has all been because of Scar. I have to make something of myself, so I can be something for her—a role model, a provider. I might not have it all together by the time she heads off for college, but I’ll be close. I can pick up the cost of her schooling, put a roof over her head if she stays local, give her some type of stability for once in her life. I know what it feels like to fly without a net and I want so much more for my sister.
Because of this, I’ll always do whatever it takes to make it.
Whatever it takes for her.
“Still waiting to hear what this has to do with that hot photo. The one you say didn’t capture West doing a little deep-sea drilling,” she teases.
“For the last time, Jules—”
“I know, I know,” she sighs. “But you cannot tell me that was all innocent.”
When I don’t immediately answer, she reaches her own conclusion.
“I knew it!” she screeches.
“There was only … hand stuff, so settle down,” I clarify.
“You totally slutted out for him!”
“Jules! Shut up before your parents hear!” I shout back.
“Sorry, but I knew that wasn’t innocent.” It’s a little too late to whisper, but she tries anyway.
“We were only kissing in the pic. Luckily, whoever was spying got there late and missed the rest, which I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for,” I add.
“Well, he might not have defiled you tonight, but from what I see, you two are definitely headed that way.”
“You mean from what you saw?” I ask, but when she fails to answer, I know what that means. “You’re looking at it again, aren’t you, perv?”
“I mean … I’m not NOT looking at it,” she admits.
“You’re disgusting.”
“And you’re fucking lucky,” she counters, making me laugh again.
“Would you focus, please?” I ask playfully. “Still trying to bear my soul here.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. Continue.”
Shaking my head, I move on. “Anyway, this all pertains to West because, well, before things went way sideways with us … he did some pretty shitty things to me.”
That part is difficult to admit. Mostly because I know what it makes me look like—weak, desperate, like a fool.
At least those are the things I would think of someone in this situation.
“You mean, like, removing the tires from your car?” she asks, reminding me she hadn’t missed that little update from Pandora.
“Well, that’s one of many things he’s done, but … yeah. Stuff like that,” I admit.
“Okay, so, I guess the important thing to understand is why,” she interjects. “I mean, you don’t have to give details if you don’t want to, but if he was targeting you, there has to be a reason. Unless it’s just that he sucks.”
The comment brings back the deep frustration that’s never out of reach. “Believe me, Jules, I’ve tried to figure it out.”
She’s quiet again and, like always, I hear her wheels turning loudly inside her head.
“Just ask me,” I sigh. “Whatever it is, lay it out there and I’ll tell you the truth.”
Seeing as how I’ve held this info for far too long already, I won’t hold back anymore. Not with her.
She takes a deep breath and then speaks her mind. “Okay, so, how did you two get from point A to point B? From this dark place you’re telling me about, to … where you two are in that pic from tonight?”
It’s a valid question, but I’m not sure I can answer it the way she’d like me to. For starters, West and I are still in a dark place—present tense. I’m actually beginning to think that’s kind of our default setting.
Dark.
Cruel.
Realizing she sees it too—the contrast between what makes sense and the weird place West and I have settled into—I feel like an idiot.
“Honestly, I don’t know what to say to that, Jules,” I openly admit. “It’s like, a switch got flipped and I just … I don’t hate him like I did at first. And he’s not as toxic as he was either. Don’t get me wrong, though; he’s still no Prince Charming,” I clarify.
“Is it strictly sexual?” she asks. “Like, is that the only thing pulling you two together?”
I think about that for a moment, and then remember that last kiss we shared. The one that made it seem like he knew he’d walk away feeling just a little emptier once we went our separate ways tonight. The one that makes me wonder if he’s thinking about me right now, too.
I mean, is that so crazy?
“I thought that at first,” I reply, “but I’m not so sure anymore. It feels deeper at times.”
She goes quiet to think again.
“What’s your gut saying?” is her next question.
Again, I don’t answer right away, because I want to really search deep before I do.
“I’d like to say I know the answer to that, Jules, but I don’t exactly trust my gut anymore.” And there it is. The truth. The reason I’ve called her tonight.
“Do you think he’s starting to care about you?”
Flashes of the brief moments of clarity I’ve had over the months come to me. Like, when West stepped between me and Mike. When he jumped into the pool to save me. Or when he grilled me about the bruises on my shoulder. The night he spent in the hospital with me.
When he touched me tonight.
“As crazy as it sounds … I think he might. Does that make me delusional?”
She laughs at that. “You’re the smartest person I know, Blue. So, no, that’s not even an option.”
“Then what is all this?” I ask, unashamed by how uncertain I feel. With her, there’s never any judgment.
“Well,” she says thoughtfully, “I think that, despite how things were in the beginning, you’re both feeling something powerful for each other. And most importantly, I don’t think you’re crazy. You’re not imagining any of this.”
She has no idea how big a relief it is to hear
