Everyone was shocked into stunned silence. Zorro passed out then hopped right back to his feet. Thankfully his fainting spells were quick.
“So, umm… we’re shit-canning the actual story of Jaws?” Bob choked out in a strangled whisper.
“We’re improving it,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg said with a crazed expression of joy on her tiny mean face. “Learn your lines!”
On that note, Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her attendants waddled out of the building.
“What the hell just happened?” Zach asked, squinting at me.
“I have no idea,” I said with a shudder. “It all happened so fast.”
Bob walked over and stuck out his hand. “Welcome to the show,” he said, looking like he wanted to cry.
Taking his trembling hand in mine, I shook it. The little man pulled at my heartstrings. “I’m Willow. It’s nice to meet you, Bob, I think. Would you mind if I gave you a gift?”
He looked hopeful. “A gift?”
I smiled. “Yes,” I said. “Would you like a nice new unibrow?”
The little beaver grinned so wide, it made me giggle.
“That would be ever so helpful,” he replied.
“Done.” With a wiggle of my fingers, Bob now had an impressive and hairy unibrow. He was thrilled. “Umm… Bob?”
“Yes?”
“How did Mae Blockinschlokinberg know our names?” I asked.
“She’s a genius,” Bob said, clearly having drunk the Mae Blockinschlokinbitch Kool-aid.
“Right.” I glanced over at Zach who seemed perplexed as well.
“Willow, thank you so much for the unibrow. It’s my pride and joy. I look forward to working together.” He nodded his thanks and hustled off to continue writing.
“That was a very good question,” Zach said.
I arched my brow. “Which one?”
“How does she know our names?”
“She’s probably a mindreading heinous bitch cow,” Sassy said, zooming by on her broom.
“Possibly,” I agreed. The heinous bitch cow part was definitely accurate.
“Are we really going to do this?” Zach asked, still trying to figure out how we’d gotten ourselves buried in the shitstorm.
“I don’t know how to act,” I said, hoping it was an out.
“No worries,” Sassy said, still zipping around the huge room on her broom. “I’m fabulous. I’ll teach you everything you need to know! Just follow my lead.”
“Well, that’s certainly frightening,” Zach muttered with a chuckle.
“Understatement,” I whispered back with a grin.
Zorro walked over and gave us an adorable grin. “I think you should do it,” he said, looking back and forth between Zach and me. “It will be the Three Musketeers back together again…”
“Four Musketeers,” Sassy corrected Zorro as she flew past us upside down.
He shook his head at her. “It will be a gender-bending nightmare that will save the reputation of the Assjacket Community Theatre.”
“Or kill it dead forever.” I winced. “I don’t think…” I began only to be cut off by Zach.
“We’re in.” He grabbed my hand and held it tight.
Trying to pull away was impossible. His grip was as strong as his sister’s. And to be honest, I didn’t want to pull away. I knew it would only prolong my heartache when I left, but it felt so right.
“Perfect,” Roger the rabbit said, approaching us with a hop in his step. “Do any of you sing?”
“I do,” Sassy yelled as she narrowly missed strafing the heads of all the Assjackians in the room.
Roger paled and his nose twitched in horror. “I ask again,” he whispered. “Can any of you sing?”
“I shouldn’t,” I replied.
“Not a note,” Zach added.
“Not well,” Zorro said. “However, I’m excellent at talk-singing and bleating.”
“Not to worry,” Sassy squealed. “I’ll sing for everyone. I’ll switch languages for the different characters. Roger, just make sure none of the lyrics are Canadian. I don’t speak that language.”
Roger looked like he wanted to pass out. “Do any of you have a special talent?”
“Umm… I can lift heavy stuff, heal people and blow shit up,” Zach offered as Roger nodded unenthusiastically.
“I speak Puntreelish,” I said, watching Roger pale further.
“I pole dance,” Zorro announced with pride. “And I can do the splits on the left side if that helps.”
“It doesn’t,” Roger said. “But I will make it work.”
The rabbit wandered off in a daze.
“I’m going to speak with DeeDee and Wanda,” Zorro said, giving Zach and me quick hugs. “You’ll love them. DeeDee’s a deer Shifter and Wanda’s a raccoon Shifter. They are costuming the show, and I want to get their approval on my assless chaps!”
I was frozen in my spot and prayed to the Goddess that I wasn’t going to be wearing assless chaps while playing the sheriff as a man. Today had gone from weird to unbelievable.
Today couldn’t get any stranger.
Or could it?
“Come with me,” Zach said as he took my hand. “We have to talk.”
Weird to unbelievable to stomach-churning. But I agreed with Zach.
We definitely needed to talk.
Chapter Six
“Umm… Assjacket seems like a nice town,” I said, searching for something to say to break the wildly uncomfortable awkwardness.
The town of Assjacket, West Virginia was located in the middle of nowhere and consisted of Main Street. The town square was dominated by a statue of a cement bear missing one side of his head. The rest of the block included a barbershop, hardware store, gas station and a mom and pop grocery along with a few other nondescript buildings.
We’d been walking in silence for fifteen minutes. Zach’s grip had finally relaxed, so I removed my hand from his. Touching him felt lovely, but it was something I didn't want to get used to.
Zach nodded but said nothing.
I tried again. “Zelda’s babies are adorable.”
Again, he nodded. The warlock was so lost in his own thoughts, I
