“Yep,” I said, feeling a horrible sense of dread. The cats could be gone for a very long time if crack sniffing was their goal. “We have to find them now. Fat Bastard and the boys can lead us to the investor. If he hears Mae Blockinschlokinberg has been fired, he might send his people to fit Bob and Roger for cement shoes.”
“No one is going to wear cement shoes in my town,” Mac growled and picked up his cellphone. “I’ll put security on Bob and Roger immediately.”
“Perfect,” Zach said with a sigh of relief, watching Mac text in the order for protection.
“Do the cats have cellphones?” I asked and then laughed at the question. They didn’t have hands or fingers so to speak. They had cute chubby toe beans. Why would they have cellphones?
Zelda grinned and shook her head. “Nope. I can call them back with a spell, but it could take a day or two depending on the magical connection and how far away they are,” she said, checking the video baby monitor to make sure Henry and Audrey were still napping.
“Two days? You’re kidding. That’s not going to work,” Zach said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “We need to get started now. Plus, I can’t be a grunting kidney or writhing bowel in assless chaps.”
“And I can't die a grizzly death in pink assless chaps,” I added.
“I’m not going to touch that either even though it’s killing me,” Zelda said, shaking her head sadly. “Let me call the furry menaces home. Zach, hold my hand. The spell will be more powerful.”
Zach grabbed his sister’s hands. Mac nodded at me to back away. I’d witnessed some of Zelda’s spells. Mac’s silent advice was excellent.
“You guys want my magic too?” Sassy inquired. “I can think in Spanish just in case the cats went to England.”
Zelda closed her eyes, shook her head and laughed. “Sure,” she said. “However, if you would think in English, that would be more helpful.”
“No problem,” Sassy said, hopping up and making the witchy duo a trio.
Zelda began.
“Goddess on High, hear my call
My ball licking idiots have gone AWOL
Please send them a message to bring their fat asses home
Or I’ll remove their peckers and umm… turn them to Styrofoam.”
“Ohhhh, good one,” Sassy said. “Make sure you say fuck. It’s the magic word.”
“On it,” Zelda replied.
“Seriously?” Zach asked, looking at both of them like they were insane.
“Dude, seriously,” Zelda shot back with a grin. “Try it sometime. Occasionally the Goddess zaps my ass for my profanity, but secretly I think she loves it. Keeps her on her toes.”
“Can I add to the spell?” Sassy asked.
“Go for it,” Zelda said. “The more the merrier.”
“Hey Goddess on high
I have my wax by my side
If you don’t find the furry fuckers
I’ll dehair your big-ass, mom-jeans covered hide.”
“Shit,” Zelda shouted as lightning blasted through the ceiling from the Heavens above. “Take cover!”
Everyone dropped and scattered. However, the Goddess had excellent aim. Sassy’s ass was now on fire.
“You think threatening to wax her crack was too much?” Sassy squealed, frantically scooting her smoldering bottom across the floor to put the flames out.
“I’m gonna go with a yes on that one,” Zelda said, wiggling her fingers and dousing the flames. “You might want to ease up on the direct insults, dude.”
“My ass says thanks for the advice,” Sassy replied with a groan.
“Zach, would you like to finish up?” Zelda requested.
“Umm… no,” he said, looking up at the charred hole in the ceiling and grinning in disbelief. “However, I will. Leaving it like that probably isn’t wise.”
“I second the motion,” Mac said, from behind the chair.
“I’ll go on record as a third,” I volunteered from under the couch.
“Roger that,” Zach said with a chuckle as he began.
Goddess on high, sorry about that,
Sassy’s prowess with foreign language clearly fell a bit flat.
Please bring the cats home, our friends are in danger,
In your debt we shall be, and we’ll work on Sassy’s spells and make them less, umm… stranger.
So mote it be.
“Strong finish,” Sassy congratulated Zach as she rubbed her backside gingerly.
“How’s your ass?” Zelda asked Sassy.
“Been better, but thankfully I’m going commando so I didn’t lose a good pair of panties,” she replied and went back to work on the dollhouse.
Sassy’s admission caused one minute and thirty-seven seconds of appalled silence. She was outstanding at stopping a conversation dead in its tracks.
“Will the spell work?” I asked, crawling out from under the couch.
“Eventually,” Zelda said with a nod. “However, I have an idea of who might be able to help you in the meantime. Someone who has money to spare. He probably knows other people who have that kind of money and are stupid enough to throw it away on a shitty community theatre show.”
Relief washed over me. “You do?”
“Who is it? Is he a criminal?” Zach questioned, eyeing his sister.
“Umm… define criminal,” she said.
“Someone who breaks the law,” Zach said dryly.
“Then yes,” Zelda conceded with a goofy grin. “However, he’s been toeing the line for a while now. I’d have to call him a reformed criminal who likes to steal from the rich and give to the poor.”
“Like Robin Hood?” I asked, getting confused.
“Yep,” Zelda said. “But with stickier fingers and very good taste in designer clothes.”
“Name,” Zach said. “Give me his name. Please.”
Zelda gave her brother an odd look. “You’re not gonna like the answer.”
“Don’t care,” Zach said flatly. “Is it possible this person is the investor?”
“No way,” Zelda said with absolute conviction. “The person I’m talking about loves Roger and Bob. He wouldn’t harm a hair on what's left of Bob’s unibrow.”
“But he can help us?” Zach pressed.
“I believe so.”
“Excellent,” Zach said, blowing out a relieved sigh. “Give me his name. I’ll deal with him myself.”
“You will?” Zelda inquired casually. Way too casually. “You will personally deal with the idiot who has that kind of money and who could possibly save you from
