Zach narrowed his eyes at his sister. They were the flip side of each other. Identical except for gender and height. She was up to something. That much was clear. But what she was up to was anyone’s guess. Zelda was a nutbag.
“Yes,” Zach hissed. “I will personally deal with someone who will help us make sure that no one puts cement shoes on Roger and Bob and throws them in the river. And if it means I don’t have to grunt like a kidney, it will be well worth it.”
“You’re sure?” Zelda asked, smiling wider.
“Quite,” Zach shot back. “Who is it?”
“He’s the former artistic director of the Assjacket Theatre,” she said cryptically. “He gave up the job recently because his batshit crazy gal pal likes to travel a lot.”
“Awesome! Maybe he’ll be more understanding,” I said, unsure where the hell the conversation was going. “He can possibly help us convince the investor to let us make a payment plan. Or maybe he’ll pay it and we can pay him back. I have 20K in the bank I can donate and I can start teaching botany again to make up the rest. Might take me a while, but I’m all in.”
Zach glanced over at me and smiled. “You’re beautiful.”
A blush started at my chest and rose quickly to my cheeks.
“I have about fifty thousand in the bank,” Zach said still smiling at me. “We can knock out the debt together.”
“Together,” I agreed.
“Yesssssssss,” Zelda sang, looking between the two of us with delight.
“Not so fast, sister of mine,” Zach said with a grin that matched hers. “Willow and I are taking baby steps and getting to know each other without a curse or a nightmare of a voodoo witch involved. Apparently, I need to like myself to win the hand of the dryad.”
“Love,” I corrected him with a raised brow.
“Impossible,” he shot back with a grin.
“Nope. A tiny bit improbable. Not impossible,” I reminded him. “And while you learn to love yourself, I’ll find my hairy magical beans.”
“Are you speaking Chinese?” Sassy asked, glancing up at me from the dollhouse.
“Yep, it means balls.”
“As in the kind you bounce?” Sassy asked. “Or are we talking dangly bits, gangoolies, nickel ticklers, giggle berries, hanging fun bags…”
“Sweet Goddess in a boob tube and Bermuda shorts,” Zelda shouted with her sparking hands aimed at Sassy. “I am going to zap you bald and give you a freaking tail, dude. Enough with the ball talk.”
“One more?” Sassy requested with a wide grin.
Zelda rolled her eyes dramatically and smiled in spite of herself. “One. Only one.”
Sassy giggled, stood up and took a small bow in advance of her final testicle term. “Wrinkled skin grapes,” Sassy announced and then went right back to rearranging Audrey’s dollhouse.
Mac laughed. “On that educational note, I’m going to check on the kids.”
“I’ll be up in a minute or two,” Zelda told him with a wink.
I was pretty sure we’d interrupted naptime-nookie time. Damn, Zelda couldn’t catch a break with all of us living here. We should probably see if there were any places to rent in Assjacket. Wearing out our welcome would be rude.
“Where’s Zorro?” Sassy asked, looking around.
“He went back to the community center,” Zach said, glancing at his watch. “Should’ve been here by now, but he probably got to talking to someone.”
I nodded and put my arm around Zach’s waist. I’d figured the same thing. Zorro could have a conversation with a wall and the wall would be ecstatic and forever in his fan club. Zorro was that charming.
Zelda turned her attention back to Zach and me, and squealed. She danced around the room and laughed like a crazy witch. “Baby steps with the dryad of your dreams,” she said, pointing to Zach. “I love it. However, learning to love yourself is going to suck ass. Been there. Done that. I’d suggest going to Roger. You’ll want to headbutt him, but he’s really good—and I’ll deny saying that.”
“Done,” Zach said, glancing down at me with a grin. “Willow has set us up for couples therapy.”
“Jeeves and I did a few sessions with Roger,” Sassy volunteered. “That little mother humpin’ bunny made me realize that I’m not stupid, just a little left of centrality.”
“You mean center?” I asked and then slapped my hand over my mouth, prepared to be horrified.
Just when I thought I had Sassy pegged….
“Nope,” Sassy said. “Centrality. It’s Swahili and means the quality of being essential or of great importance. So, it’s okay that I’m not the sharpest broom in the linen closet. I’m still worthwhile.”
Zelda walked over to Sassy and wrapped her arms around her. Whispering something in her ear, Sassy kissed Zelda’s cheek and hugged her back. It was simple, real and beautiful. Their adoration of each other reminded me of Zorro’s and my friendship.
“Enough of the sappy shit,” Zelda said, disengaging herself from her BFF and zoning right back in on Zach and me. “In order to love yourself, you have to let go of shit.”
“First of all, I’m going for liking myself before I can commit to getting into a deeper relationship with myself,” Zach said with an eye roll that was as impressive as his sister’s. “And what the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“A lot,” she replied.
“Want to be less cryptic?” he inquired, getting annoyed.
“Dude, I’ve missed out on years of pissing you off,” Zelda complained. “Cut me some slack here. I’m having a good time.”
“You are a complete pain in my ass,” Zach said, trying to keep a straight face.
He failed.
“Thank you,” Zelda replied as she did a horrifying rendition of the Running Man move. “I’m winning.”
Zach laughed at his sister’s excitement and ran his hands through his hair. “No more games. Who is the person who can help us?”
“Fabio.”
Uh oh. This was not good… or maybe it was good.
“Your father?” Zach said, sounding incredibly tired.
“Our father,” Zelda corrected him as she crossed her arms over her
