That was necessary. It was a hot bloody mess.
Although, having the Tennessee Man-Titty Thespians show up for the opening night performance and leave positively pea green with envy made the entire shitshow worth it—even the gory parts. Bob was still on a high that would last a long time.
Zach kissed my neck and I wiggled with excitement. It was enormously clear that my warlock was ready to go again. I had very hard evidence pressed against my thigh.
“We kicked ass in couples therapy,” Zach said as his mouth moved from my neck a little bit lower.
“Yep,” I agreed, arching my back. “We were a one and done.”
“It felt great to hear Roger confirm my be-leaf that I’d learned to love myself,” Zach said, looking up at me. “Although, I didn’t need him to tell me. I figured it out myself.”
“You’re very lovable,” I told him. “And quite sexy when you're talking Puntreelish.”
“Thank you,” he said. “You’re ex-tree-mely lovable and sexy yourself.”
“Although, we should have pretended we had a few more issues. Maybe we wouldn’t have had to listen to Roger sing a medley of cannibalistic tunes from the show for the rest of the hour,” I pointed out with a wince.
“True,” Zach said with a laugh. “It was very…”
“Graphic,” I supplied. “Unappetizing and horrifying. I couldn’t eat for two days after that session.”
“Thank the Goddess we don’t have to hear anymore,” Zach said, pulling my very willing body on top of his. “I spoke with Sponge Bob.”
“You did?” I asked, surprised. Only dryads could speak to trees. Well, Zelda could, but they were her minions. “How?”
“It seems that when a warlock wants to mate with a dryad, her tree pappy sends a bit of magic his way,” he explained.
“Interesting,” I said, intrigued. “What did you talk about?”
“Well, after politely listening to tree puns for an hour and swearing I’d become fluent in Puntreelish, I asked his permission to make you my mate. Officially.”
Again, my heart raced. It was all so romantic. My parents were no longer on this plane. They wouldn’t ever be able to meet the love of my life. But I had a surrogate father who adored me. The thought that Zach respected my relationship with Sponge Bob made me love him even more.
Assjacket had accepted us just like Zach’s family had. And just like my family, Sponge Bob and the boys, had accepted Zach. We even made a plan to make Assjacket our home. My warlock was going into the healing business with his sister, and I was going to teach botany at the new Assjacket elementary school. And Zorro had plans to introduce the Assjackians to the magic of pole dancing and fainting goat yoga at the community center. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would put down roots in such an enchanted place.
“And what did my tree pappy say?” I asked.
“He said that whatever made his little dryad happy made him tree-lighted as well,” Zach shared. “He then told me to make like a tree and leaf to go find his little dryad and begin our journey together.”
“He’s a good father,” I said with a happy sigh. “And speaking of good fathers…”
“Yep,” Zach admitted with a grin. “Fabio wins the category, too, along with being the most honest criminal and best pancake maker in the Universe. I almost called him dad the other day, but we were in public, and I know how he hates to get blotchy.”
“I’m pretty sure he’d be fine with getting hives over that one,” I told Zach. “Baba Yaga is something else.”
Baba Yaga and Marge had arrived back in Assjacket shortly after the slugs were gone for good. Madonna had taken a restraining order out on both of them. They were quite put out with the development. Zelda had gleefully pointed out that if they disobeyed the order, they’d land their asses in the pokey. Baba Yaga didn’t think she looked good in orange, so she decided that she liked A Flock of Seagulls better than Madonna anyway.
“I agree. Baba Yaga is a handful,” Zach said with a small shudder. “But Fabio adores her. And…” He grinned like a little boy.
“And what?” I asked, grinning, too, even though I had no clue why.
“And they’re moving.”
My smile turned to a frown. “Why are you happy your dad is moving? You’re still getting to know each other.”
“Not out of Assjacket,” Zach quickly said. “To a new house. Baba Yaga wants something a little more 80s. Lots of shag carpet, mirrored ceilings, built-in lava lamps and disco balls in every room.”
I wrinkled my nose and laughed. “Oh my Goddess, that’s horrifying.”
“Understatement,” Zach agreed with a grin. “But Fabio is all for it.”
“Still don’t understand why you're smiling,” I told him, admiring his beautiful face and kissable lips.
“Because Zelda and Fabio want Aunt Hildy’s house to stay in the family. Meaning…”
“Meaning they want you to have it?” I shouted, thrilled.
I adored the house. It was filled with magic and love.
“Us,” he corrected me. “They want us to have it. From your reaction, I’m gonna guess that you like the idea?”
“Love,” I said dreamily. “I love the idea. What about Zorro?”
Zach smiled. “Not to worry. Mac is building a guest house on their property for Zorro. He’s overjoyed. The interior is being done in pink leather.”
I winced and grinned at the same time. “All of it?”
“All of it,” Zach confirmed.
I sighed and laid my head on my mate's chest. Life couldn’t have turned out more perfectly. Well, maybe it could…
“You know,” I said, peeking up at my warlock through my lashes. I was aware I was blushing. I could feel the heat on my cheeks. “There are a lot of spare bedrooms in your… our new house.”
“Your point?” Zach asked, raising a brow and grinning.
“I just thought… you know…” I stuttered, feeling a bit over my head.
Zach kissed my lips hard and rolled me to my back. “I do believe I have the same idea,” he said, looking down
