“What about the set?” Fate asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked, getting frantic.
“Doesn’t Jaws take place on a lake in a boat?” Fate inquired as the cats started to chuckle.
Mac was going to die in pink leather assless chaps. I was going to die looking like Roy Scheider. Zach was going to bite it in a speedo. And Zelda was going to the Next Adventure in a sack that held carbs.
“Actually,” I said. “Jaws doesn’t take place on a lake. It takes place…” I gasped and almost passed out.
Zach steadied me while inching the group away from impending death. If the slugs didn’t kill us, Fate might.
Fate watched me closely and with great interest. Her brows were raised, and a small smile pulled at her lips.
“Will you create the set I ask for?” I inquired as Sassy’s and Fabio’s comments from earlier bounced in my head and smacked me in the brain.
“Ready?” Fabio asked, looking at both of his children with pride. “It’s time to salt some slugs.”
“They’re slugs,” Sassy said, digging through the applesauce frantically just in case they had shifted and hidden. “They probably shifted and slithered out. Too bad applesauce isn’t salted. That would have shown them.”
Fate’s smile was positively wicked. “Depends on what you ask for.”
My mind raced. Could it be that simple? I mean, it would be seriously gross… but so very simple. It could also wash away Assjacket, but I somehow didn’t think that was Fate’s plan.
“Do you see the future?” I demanded.
“I might,” Fate replied cryptically.
“Do you control it?” I pressed as Zach, Mac and Zelda watched the exchange with confusion.
“Nope,” she said, enjoying the game. “I only see it. I don’t decide it. You do, dryad.”
Bingo.
“Jaws the Musical takes place on the ocean. A SALTWATER ocean,” I yelled.
“As you wish,” Fate said with a cackle.
“Brilliant,” Zach yelled. “How did we not think of that?”
“Shit,” Zelda yelled. “We’re idiots.”
“Almost dead idiots,” Mac added.
“Almost but not quite,” Fat Bastard shouted. “I didn’t think youse dumbasses would ever come up with it.”
“You knew?” Zelda snapped at her cats.
“Hell to the no,” Fat Bastard said with an eye roll. “Youse think I would have embedded my fine ass in dat woman’s smelly mouth if I knew how to off her? I meant that when dis hot piece of woman called Fate is involved, everything usually turns out fine.”
Fate winked at Fat Bastard and snapped her fingers. A saltwater ocean gushed into the valley.
“We're going to need a bigger boat. Or at least a hole to put the ocean in,” Mac said with a whistle. He dropped to his knees and opened the earth. It filled with the salty water along with the screaming and disintegrated slugs. It was a symphony to my ears.
The dark clouds disappeared, and the sun shone brightly. The Goddess was pleased.
And Mae Blockinschlokinberg would never harm anyone again.
Calling back the trees, I silently asked for a border so the ocean didn’t flow into Assjacket. They obeyed without question and giggled the entire time.
“We’re going to live,” Zach shouted joyously, grabbing me and kissing me senseless.
“And I’m not going to bite it in a butt-ass ugly sack and a shitty captain's hat,” Zelda sang, dancing around as the slugs withered away shrieking in agony.
“Yet somehow, I’m still wearing pink leather assless chaps,” Mac pointed out, shaking his head.
“And I’m still waiting for my show,” Fate informed us.
She clapped her hands. A chair, a supersized box of popcorn and a bottle of bourbon appeared. She sat down, crossed her long legs and raised a brow.
“Are you serious?” Zelda demanded with an eye roll.
“Completely,” she said. “Start acting, witch.”
“If Sassy was here, she’d wax your sorry ass,” Zelda grumbled.
“What was that?” Fate asked in a tone that made everyone run to get into places for a show we’d never rehearsed with a cast who wasn’t even in the show.
Zelda wasn’t a dummy. “I said if Sassy was here, she’d umm… tax your safari gas.”
Or maybe she was a dummy.
Fate tapped her toe and checked her diamond-studded watch. “I’m waiting.”
“On three?” Zach suggested with a pained expression that made me giggle.
“What the hell are we supposed to do?” Mac asked, bewildered.
“Wing it,” Zelda told him. “We’ve all seen Jaws, right?”
Everyone nodded and started laughing.
“One,” Zelda said.
“Two,” I chimed in.
Zach was still laughing. It was beautiful. He was finally free. Well, after the performance, he would be.
“Three,” he said.
And we gave Fate her show.
It sucked. The cats booed us, and Zelda zapped the shit out of them. Mac made up a song about needing a bigger boat, and Zach and I grunted like kidneys and bowels. Sadly, Zorro wasn’t here to pole dance and Sassy couldn’t sing in German, but in the end, it was… awful. Awful and awfully beautiful.
Thankfully, Fate felt like she’d gotten her money’s worth and decided to let the Assjacket Community Theatre keep her investment for the next show.
As the crazy immortal woman stood to leave, I marched right over to her and threw my arms around her. If she had another tantrum, so be it. I heard Zach gasp and Zelda squeak in horror. Mac groaned and the cats backed away. I didn’t care. My guess was that not too many people showed Fate any affection—and with good reason. She was really scary.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “You saved us.”
“You’re wrong,” she said, patting my back awkwardly. “I don’t create destiny, child. I just know it.”
“We wouldn’t have figured it out,” I insisted, hugging the dangerous woman tighter. “Without you, we’d be goners and so would all of Assjacket. You’re wonderful.”
“That’s a given,” she said, extracting herself from my hold and eyeing me with amusement. “I’m fabulous.”
I nodded and laughed.
“And since I’m so freaking amazing,” Fate said with a grin that made me uncomfortable. “I’m putting in a request.”
“For?” I asked, terrified.
“The next Assjacket Community Theatre show,” she replied silkily.
“Shit,” I heard Zach mutter.
“Fuck,” Zelda added.
“Shaun of the Dead
