I had no clue who she was, but she seemed to know who we were.
“Get up off the ground,” she commanded in a frightening tone.
She snapped her fingers and the winds halted. Glancing around, she wrinkled her nose in disgust when she saw the slugs. Holy crap, this woman might not be aware of the poisonous venom. She definitely seemed dangerous but dying for being scary seemed a little harsh.
Hopping to my feet, I dashed over and yanked her to relative safety.
“May I ask what you’re doing?” she demanded as her silver eyes narrowed dangerously and I heard Zelda choke on her own spit.
“Sorry,” I said nervously. “It’s just that you were kind of close to the slugs and they spit venom. I… umm… didn’t want you to die.” My voice trailed off as the woman’s eyes began to shoot sparks.
“Excuse me for a moment,” she said as she walked about twenty feet away then threw a fit like I’d never witnessed in my life.
The woman spewed out some rather vile profanities and was now dancing around like she had a colony of fire ants in her pants—branches were falling and rocks were flying. Ducking, I grabbed Zelda with a look of terror in my eyes. Zach and Mac immediately huddled with us. However, the cats watched and laughed like felines with a death wish. The woman was insane and so were the cats.
“Who is that?” I asked Zelda.
“Fate.”
“Oh my Goddess,” I choked out. “I just pissed off Fate?”
“Possibly,” Zelda said with a shudder. “But I think that’s her being happy.”
“That’s happy?” I asked, shocked. “She’s like a shitstorm on steroids.”
“You got that right,” Zelda agreed. “You definitely don’t want to see her when she’s mad.”
“How do we stop this? That crazy freak is going to level Assjacket and kill all of us if she keeps going,” I hissed. I couldn't believe the slug infestation was now the least of our worries where the town was concerned.
“Not a clue,” she said. “Normally, Fate just has to work it out. Although, she’s gonna cause an avalanche at the rate she’s gyrating.”
Since I was probably going to die today anyway, I had nothing to lose. This was ridiculous. At least the slugs had paused their attack to watch Fate unravel.
“Okay, that’s enough,” I shouted over the noise. “You will stop behaving like a whack job on crack right now.”
“Or what?” Fate demanded, pausing to see what I was going to do.
“Umm… or nothing,” I said, exasperated. “It’s been a really bad day, and we’re probably about to bite it. So, this just isn’t working for me.”
“Okay,” Fate said, striding back over like nothing was out of the ordinary.
“I can’t fucking believe that worked,” Zelda whispered.
“Neither can I,” I whispered back.
“Who are you?” Zach demanded, eyeing the woman.
“It’s Fate,” Mac said with a curt nod of respect to the nutjob in question. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
“He meant displeasure,” Zelda chimed in.
“Ahhh, if it’s not the soon to be Baba Yaga,” Fate said, eyeing Zelda with a smirk.
“And if it’s not the winner of the Toddler Tantrum of the Universe,” Zelda shot back. “Why are you here? And PS, we don’t have much time. Kind of trying to figure out how to off the slugs and live to see tomorrow.”
“I came to see my investment,” Fate said coolly, crossing her arms over her chest and stomping her foot. “Wanna see where my money went.”
“You’re the investor?” Zach asked, confused. “You’re the one who put two hundred thousand into the Assjacket Community Theatre?”
“Yep,” she said as the cats waddled over and sat at her feet. “I just loved the musical version of The Silence of the Lambs. Sooooo realistic. I want to see my show or I’m going to throw a fit.”
“Like the one you just threw?” Zach asked as neutrally as he could.
“That was not a fit,” Fate said. “That was a warmup.”
“Your money is in the bank,” I told her quickly, keeping my eye on the deadly slugs who were done with their snack and on the move again. “Sassy ate the check and… well, never mind. Suffice it to say we can pay you back every cent.”
“Don’t want my money back,” Fate said, looking like she was on the verge of leveling the state of West Virginia. “I want to see a show.”
“Now?” I asked.
“Right now,” she replied.
I turned to Zach with wide eyes. He shrugged and then went for it. “It’s Jaws—the musical,” he explained. “Mac is the umm… shark.”
“That’s right,” Mac said, wildly confused.
Zach blew out a relieved sigh that Mac had played along. “Normally, Mac would wear pink assless leather chaps, but since we’re not at the theatre we’ll have to go without costumes.”
“Thank the Goddess for that,” Mac said.
“No worries,” Fate said with a wicked little grin. She wiggled her fingers and Mac’s ass was now on display for the world in pink leather assless chaps.
Zelda slapped her hands over her mouth and tried not to laugh. She failed. I laughed, too, but swallowed it when I noticed the slugs were getting dangerously close.
Crap.
“I’m the sheriff. I’ll be playing the role as a man,” I said quickly. “Zach is the marine biologist played as a woman, and Zelda is the captain. She’ll be performing the captain as a hermaphrodite.”
“Are you serious?” Zelda shouted, appalled.
“Completely,” I hissed, nodding my head toward the advancing slugs.
Fate clapped her hands. I was now in a sheriff’s uniform. Zach was in a lab coat and a speedo and Zelda was wearing a potato sack and weathered yacht cap. I was unsure
