Why? I hoped to find out.
She nodded at me and continued. “We have about a half hour. I told Zorro to detain Zach as well. The goat is modeling his assless chaps. Zach is probably dying a slow death right now.”
“Great,” I said, still very confused by the whole hostage situation going on in her bathroom.
“First of all, thank you for de-stinking my idiotic cats,” Zelda said. “They’re all keen on me sniffing their cracks. I told the furry dorks if they kept insisting on me getting even within two feet of their cracks, I’d permanently remove them.”
A laugh burst from my lips. I realized I’d laughed more today than I had in a long time. “You’re most welcome for the de-stinking. It’s the least I could do. As for the crack part, they misunderstood something I said.”
“Typical. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed,” Zelda said, handing Audrey to a delighted Fabio and plopping Henry into my lap.
Her children were so adorable, and I'd been itching to hold them. The little boy looked right into my eyes, smiled and blew a raspberry. Henry then stuck his thumb into his mouth, cuddled close and fell asleep in my arms. Heaven.
“I’m just going to dive right in here due to limited time. Fabio banged my pathetic excuse for a mother, and she got knocked up,” Zelda began.
“I had no clue she was pregnant,” Fabio volunteered quickly. “I was a bit of a man whore at the time.”
“Man whoreeeeeee!” Audrey yelled as Fabio blanched in horror.
“Sorry,” he whispered.
Zelda shook her head and grunted in pain. “You will explain that one to Mac,” she informed her father. “He will kick your sorry ass.”
“Assssssssssss,” Henry grunted sleepily. “My daddy kicky your assssssssss.”
Snapping his fingers, Fabio conjured up a roll of duct tape and tossed it to his daughter.
Catching it, she nodded her thanks. “I have three strikes. I’ve only used one,” she said. “Plus, we have to get Willow up to speed quickly.”
Feeling their panic, I curled Henry closer, sat up straighter, and paid close attention. Having no clue what else I was going to hear, I didn’t want to miss any details.
“Okay,” Zelda continued. “To make a long fuc…arrked up story short. When Fabio found out about me, he confronted my piece of poopoo egg donor, and she cast a poopy doody spell on him and turned him into a cat.”
“Right,” Fabio agreed. “The poopy dookie spell…”
“I said doody not dookie,” Zelda pointed out. “Although, dookie is more satisfying,”
Fabio raised his brow at his daughter.
“Keep going,” she hissed. “I was giving you a compliment on the dookie thing, jackhole.”
“Thank you, Zelda,” Fabio said with a grin. “Anyhoo, the horrid dingleberry of a woman turned me into a cat, and I had to earn Zelda’s love in order to revert back to myself.”
“So, get this,” Zelda said, shaking her head. “I find him in a dumpster and the mangy fart pebble of cat followed me home.”
“Where you ran over me with your butt fudge car,” Fabio added.
“It was a peepeeing accident,” Zelda said with an eye roll.
“All three times, diaper breath?” Fabio inquired with a laugh.
“Yesssssssssss, hiney face,” Zelda insisted, laughing with him.
This family was insane and wonderful.
“Although, to your credit and excellent taste, you did bury me in a Prada shoebox,” Fabio recalled.
“With the shoe bags as a pillow and blanket, boom-boom mouth,” she reminded him.
“Nice touch,” I said with a giggle. “Can either of you work pooplet or hot sloppy into a sentence?”
“I like you,” Fabio said, giving me a lopsided grin and a nod of approval.
“Right?” Zelda said. “Willow’s perfect. Unlike the hot sloppy locked in the bathroom at the moment.”
Fabio anxiously glanced over at the stairs. “Speaking of… hurry up, pooplet. We don’t have much time.”
“You guys are awesome,” I said with a laugh.
Zelda nodded and smiled. “I certainly think so. But back to the horrifying history lesson, after the hit and run incident, I got incarcerated for mowing down my familiar—who wasn’t actually dead, obviously—among other things that we won’t go into.”
“She got jailed for using magic for self-serving purposes,” Fabio chimed in unhelpfully as far as Zelda was concerned.
“Oh my Goddess,” Zelda griped at her father. “All the details are not important, stink bomb.”
“My bad, BM,” he replied.
“I should say so, caca,” she snapped at her dad.
“Diaper fillers,” I interjected. “Finish the story.”
“Ohhh, I like that one,” Zelda said with a thumbs up.
“You’re welcome,” I told her.
“Okay, after I got sprung from the pokey in Salem where I was roommates with Sassy, I was given a mission in Assjacket. My dead cat was in the car on the drive down.”
“Wasn’t dead anymore,” Fabio pointed out. “You know, nine lives and all that stuff.”
“Got it,” I said. “Keep talking.”
Zelda paced the room and continued. “Right. I got here. Hated it, but secretly loved it. Became the Shifter Wanker. Banged the King of the Shifters, fell in love and got knocked up.”
“There’s more,” Fabio said. “As I was dying after Zelda smacked down on some bad guys, she told me she loved me and I reverted back to myself.”
“And he was naked,” Zelda said with an enormous gag. “Never ever look at your pappy’s pecker. I’ve been in therapy for years.”
“My parents are gone,” I said. It didn’t hurt like an open wound anymore, but it still made me sad to say it.
“I’m so sorry,” Fabio said softly.
“They were wonderful, and I’ll always miss them,” I told him. “But it was a very long time ago.”
“I’m sorry,” Zelda said, walking over to the couch and sitting down next to me.
I smiled. “Me too. I actually followed most of your story, but I still don’t understand where Zach fits in or why Fabio was hiding behind the curtains.”
“You’re aware that my egg donor sold Zach as a baby to the ass-pipe who tried to kill you guys, right? And that
