Fat Bastard raised his little paw politely. “I’m partial to dat amorphophallus titanium. Looks like a big schlong.”
Not to be topped, Jango Fett chimed in. “I like dat one, but I’m gonna go with a calla lily. Dat flower looks like it’s got a schlong and a hooha. Very impressive.”
“Nah,” Boba Fett said. “I’m more into the rubus cockburnianus family of plants because of the word cock in the title.”
I regretted my question immediately. “Alrighty then,” I said, biting back my laugh so I didn’t encourage them. “Do you like roses?”
No one said a word. Maybe flowers weren’t their thing. I tried again. “How about the scent of pine trees?”
Fat Bastard nodded. “Dat’s a good one. Dem cones look like Johnsons. I vote for pine wieners.”
“Youse can count me in on pine peckers too,” Jango volunteered.
“Yep, I’m in for a nice pine baloney pony,” Boba added.
“Pine it is,” I said, grinning. Zelda’s cats were as profane as she was.
With a wave of my hand, an enchanted glistening pine-scented breeze floated through the massive room and wrapped the hairy ball lickers in a warm magical embrace.
“Tickles!” Fat Bastard said, giggling.
“Dis is niiiiiiice,” Boba squealed as he jiggled with laughter.
“My crack is lovin’ it!” Jango shouted as he shook with hysterics.
“Just another few seconds,” I told them, letting my hand dance in the air and saying a quick prayer to the Goddess that it would work. I’d hate to see the cats get waxed.
Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett floated on the gentle wind and giggled with joy. Taking the risk of vomiting, I cautiously breathed in through my nose. Bingo. Skunk butt aroma gone. Clean forest pine scent in its place.
“Dat was infuckingcredible,” Fat Bastard announced. “We owe youse, Willow.”
Jango sniffed his privates and gave me a kitty thumbs up. “My crack smells delicious.”
“Umm… great,” I said with a wince. “Good to know.”
“Youse de bomb!” Boba said. “The Bastard is correct. We owe youse. Whatever youse want, we will steal it for youse.”
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I told them. “I’m good.”
“It also applies to a magical favor,” Fat Bastard said, taking a whiff of his pits. “Weese would never welch on a favor to a pretty gal who fixed our cracks.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, scratching their odor-free heads. “Just stay away from the skunks.”
“Roger dat,” Fat Bastard said as he purred with content. “Dem gals is too uppity anyway.”
“Let’s go make Zelda sniff our cracks,” Boba suggested. “She’s gonna freak.”
“Thanks again, doll face,” Fat Bastard said as the trio waddled out of the great room. “Don’t forget, weese have yer back.”
I waved and sighed in relief. My de-stinking the cats wasn’t enough of a repayment for all that Zelda had done for me, but it was certainly a start.
Settling myself back on the couch, I leaned back and closed my eyes. I shouldn’t be tired after a month of rest, but the anticipation of what was about to happen drained me. I’d just get through it. There was no other choice.
“Pssssst,” came a different voice from behind the curtains.
What was it about this place? Did everyone hide?
“Can I help you?” I asked, glancing over at the moving curtain in alarm.
“Possibly,” the male voice said.
It was a strangely familiar voice, but I couldn’t place it.
“You want to come out from behind the curtain or are we playing The Wizard of Oz?” I inquired.
“Are you alone?” he asked.
Now I was getting a bit nervous. Was someone here to harm Zelda or her babies? Maybe Zorro or Zach? Not going to happen on my watch.
“I am,” I said, standing up and ready to zap the hell out of anyone even slightly nefarious. “Come out and keep your hands at your sides. If you make a wrong move, it will be your last.”
“Your balls are enormous,” he commented. “That’s wonderful.”
“Umm… thank you,” I said. “Actually, I lost them somewhere along the way. I’m currently searching for them.”
“I disagree,” he countered. “I’m pretty sure you’re wearing them right now.”
“Again, thank you,” I said, pleased that the villain behind the curtain thought I had hairy magical beans. “And again, come out with your hands at your sides. Now.”
“As you wish,” he said, peeking out.
I almost swallowed my tongue. “Zach?” I shouted.
“No,” he whispered, glancing around in fear. “I’m Fabio.”
“You guys are triplets?” I asked, completely confused. I vaguely remembered Zelda saying something about Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz lurking in the woods and stalking Zach. She’d seemed unconcerned by it, but I didn’t like the thought of Zach being stalked by anyone.
Fabio’s smile was identical to Zach’s and Zelda’s. His bright green eyes twinkled and his dark auburn hair stood on end. It looked as if he’d run his hands through it a hundred times. The man was clearly not a villain. However, who he was to Zach and Zelda remained to be seen. I had an idea, but needed confirmation.
“Who exactly are you, Fabio?” I asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
“I’m Zelda and Zach’s father,” he whispered, his eyes darting to the staircase.
“And you’re hiding behind the curtain because?”
“Well, I’m not exactly wanted at the moment… by Zach,” he admitted sadly. “I’m working on it.”
“By hiding in the curtains?” I pressed, thinking that was an odd way to work on it. Although, witches and warlocks were an unusual breed.
“Can we talk?” he asked with a smile so charming I smiled right back. “I’d like to get to know you.”
“Yes.” Admittedly, I was curious about Fabio, so I agreed to the chat. “Yes, we can.”
Chapter Four
“I locked Zach in the bathroom with the cats and Zorro—even put a complicated spell on the door,” Zelda said, balancing her toddler daughter Audrey on one hip and her son Henry on the other while grinning from ear to ear. She was positively crazy. But the more I learned about her, the more I liked. Apparently, she had overheard Fabio and me in the great room and felt
