With a snap of his fingers, Zach disappeared in a cloud of bright blue glittering smoke.
The timing of Zach's departure had been perfect. I could thank Zelda for saving my life, ask about Zorro, my best friend, and then haul ass out of wherever I was and start searching for my tes-tree-cles. Now that I knew my love was among the living, I could move on with a lighter heart. It would be a broken heart, but it would be a happy broken.
However, I’d always come back to visit my trees.
Sucking in a deep breath, I walked right out of the tree and back into the world.
“Holy shit on a hot tin roof,” Zelda screamed in horror as I appeared in front of her. “Goddess in mom jeans, you’re a hot mess.”
“Nice to see you, too,” I said, looking down at myself. Zelda was correct. I was a hot mess. However, I had an excuse. I’d been in a tree for a month. Thank Goddess, I hadn’t popped out of the tree while Zach had still been here. I could deal with him not loving me, but I didn’t want his pity.
With a wave of my hand, I cleaned up. Gone was the leafy dress and sappy smell. I was now in a bright green Alice and Olivia number and Prada wedges. My head wreath blossomed sparkling gold and pale pink flowers, and I smelled like a summer breeze.
“Better?” I asked with a grin.
“Much. And I’d like to put in an order for that dress in blue. Can you make that work, dryad?” she asked, grinning back.
“I believe I can, witch,” I told her, waving my hands and granting her wish.
“Sassy will shit her pants that she wasn’t here to get a new dress,” Zelda said with a laugh as she twirled and modeled her new outfit. “So did my large wooden menaces fix you up?”
Trying out my legs and pacing around Sponge Bob, I nodded my head. “They did. Sponge Bob and I bonded. I hope that’s okay with you.”
Zelda wrinkled her nose. “Umm… define bonded.”
I laughed at her alarmed expression. “He’s my tree pappy—like a giant wooden father. I’m his baby tree-hugger.”
Zelda blew out a wildly relieved breath and clapped her hands with delight. “Fucking perfect. You realize they’re my minions, right?”
I nodded. “I do. You’re lucky to have such brave and wonderful trees in your corner.”
“Wait,” Zelda said, pursing her lips. “Does that make us related somehow?”
Shrugging, I grinned. “Distan-tree, I suppose.”
“Oh my Goddess in a muumuu,” she said with a giggle and an eye roll. “You speak tree?”
“I do,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I try to avoid Puntreelish at all costs, but hanging with the boys for a month made it all come back.”
Zelda leaned in close. “I like it,” she whispered. “Do not tell them, though. It’s better if they think I’m an insane meanie with an obscene vocabulary.”
“They call you Zelda of the Poopy Crap Mouth,” I whispered back. “They adore you.”
Her laugh rang out and the trees rustled with delight. “I love it,” she said, patting Sponge Bob’s bark with affection. “However, you big wooden pain in my butt, if that ever gets around, I will chop your ass down and use you for firewood. Am I clear?”
“Yes, O’ Beautiful Zelda of the Poopy Crap Mouth,” Sponge Bob said with a chuckle as a few leaves fell from his branches and landed on Zelda’s head.
Zelda brushed the leaves away and looked me over from head to toe. “So, you’re really healed? Because if you’re feeling iffy, I can repair anything the trees might have missed. As the Shifter Wanker, my specialty is accident-prone, furry numb-nuts, but I can help dryads too.”
“I’m good. I’m great. And I’m alive thanks to you and the boys. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for saving my life. Thank you, Zelda.”
“You’re welcome, Willow. It was a no fucking brainer. You’re a kickass chick, and I’m stuck with tree minions. Win, win. However, I’d like to keep my rapidly eroding reputation of being an uncaring witch intact, so let’s keep my good deed a secret,” she said with a wink.
“My lips are sealed,” I told her with a grin.
“So, here’s the plan,” Zelda said, snapping her fingers and conjuring up a notebook. “Keeping lists is more of a Sassy move, but there’s so much shit going on in the shitshow right now, I can barely keep it straight. You feel me?”
I nodded in confusion. Zelda was a strange one with a healthy penchant towards mass destruction. Nodding was safest at this point. Even profane and violent, I really liked Zelda. I hadn’t had any female friends for decades. Her best friend Sassy was missing a few brain cells, but I liked her too.
“Okay, try to follow me here,” Zelda said, squinting at the pages in her book. “Babayoconebra took off on a girl’s trip with her sister Cookie Witch, aka Marge, to stalk Madonna and Duran Duran. It’s incredibly shitty timing since Fabio has been lurking in the woods, stalking Zach. Fabdudio also needs a damn shower. Bermangoggleshitz, Sassy’s dad, has been keeping Fabio company, which will lead to a no-good or possible illegal merger. And yes, Bermangoggleshitz is a gas-inducing last name, but Sassy mated with Jeeves, whose last name is Pants, making her Sassy Pants. When she discovered her father, she took his name as well. She’s Sassy Bermangoggleshitz Pants now. She somehow thinks that’s better,” Zelda said with an eye roll that deserved an award.
I was mute and completely unsure how to react. It didn’t matter. Zelda was on a roll.
“So, having Babayobadtiming and Marge out of town sucks. Everything might be solved if Zach wasn’t acting like a shitball and would just acknowledge Fabio. Of course, my brother camping out under Sponge Bob for a month isn’t making any kind of reunion easier. I’m in a pickle here because with all the stinky idiots roaming around my yard, I
