“I understood very little of that,” I said, wondering if Sponge Bob would mind if I came back for a visit immediately. However, staying out in the real world was beginning to appeal to me. Maybe. “Umm… why was Zach camped out under Sponge Bob for a month?”
Zelda gave me an odd a look I couldn’t quite decipher. My face heated with embarrassment, and I wanted to take the question back. It was too late.
“Guess you’ll have to ask Zach,” she said with a barely disguised grin. “Anyhoo, you’ll see the big picture soon enough. The shining light is Zorro. Thank the Goddess he’s here, or I would have turned my smelly pappy and reeking twin into toads and thrown them in the pond.”
“Zorro’s alive?” I asked, a little breathlessly pushing away my ridiculous wishful thinking about Zach’s reasons for staying close to Sponge Bob. I leaned on my tree family so my knees didn’t buckle. Life was very good right now. All three of us had survived. That was all that mattered. “And Zorro’s here?”
“Yep. I swear on the Goddess's gauchos, Zorro’s one hundred percent fine, and the town is in love with him.”
The fact that Zorro was loved didn’t surprise me one bit. He was kind, loyal and hilarious. However, it did lead to another question. “Where exactly are we?”
“Dude,” Zelda said with a laugh. “You have some catching up to do. But to answer your question, we’re in Assjacket, West Virginia.”
I was pretty sure I’d heard her wrong. “Seriously?”
“No,” she said with a shrug. “It’s not technically Assjacket, but it’s what I call it, and the name has kind of stuck. It’s catchy and accurate.”
“What’s the real name of the town?” I asked, curious.
Zelda twisted her long red locks in her fingers and paused. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue, but as I said, Assjacket works perfectly.”
I shrugged and smiled. “Got it. Assjacket it is. And is that your house on the hill?”
“Yep and yours too for as long as you’d like. But again, let’s not let it get out that I invited you. Messes with the rep. Cool?”
Tilting my head, I stared at her in confusion. “I’m not staying.”
It was Zelda’s turn to look confused. “Of course, you are. You love Zach.”
“Loved,” I lied through my teeth. It was incredibly difficult, but doable… and necessary. I did love Zach. The problem was that Zach only liked me. It was far past time to let go of unpractical fantasies that wouldn’t come true. Ten years was long enough. It was time for a new dream. “I mean, I still care for him as a friend, but not in any other way.”
Zelda was speechless. Even in the short time I’d known her, I knew this was a rare occurrence.
“Excuse me for a sec,” she choked out as she walked about twenty feet from the trees.
With a clap of her hands and a slew of impressive profanities, she blew an enormous crater in the ground. The explosion shook the earth beneath my feet, and I leaned on the trees for balance. I briefly wondered if Zelda was putting in a pool, but I spotted a whole bunch of backyard pools and hot tubs in the distance. Maybe they loved swimming. Witches could be odd creatures.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Been better,” she admitted. “However, blowing shit up is very calming. You should try it.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I told her. “Can I see Zorro?”
Zelda nodded slowly. “Sure. He’s staying with me, too. What about Zach? In fifteen minutes, he won’t smell like a walking butt.”
“Umm… possibly,” I said as my stomach somersaulted. I felt like sprinting into the woods to begin my Mick Jagger way of life immediately. Hell, I’d even wear spandex if I had to.
“You also need to eat,” she pointed out.
“I am kind of hungry,” I admitted as my stomach growled in agreement.
“Do you like peanut butter and jelly with the bread in the middle?” Zelda inquired as she took my hand and began marching us toward her beautiful home.
“Never tried it like that,” I said, testing her grip.
It was solid. I was going up to the house whether I wanted to or not.
“You’ll love it,” she promised. “My little ones make them. Kind of messy, but delicious. You in?”
I was pretty damn sure I didn’t have a choice. Plus, I did need to say goodbye to Zorro… and Zach. If I was going to search for my metaphorical hairy magic beans, I couldn’t whack them off at the beginning of the journey.
I was a grown dryad—a magical being with pride and confidence. I would wish the man of my dreams well and then leave him behind. If I couldn’t have him, I didn’t want to stand in the wings and watch some other lucky woman win his heart. Plus, I didn’t need a man to be complete. I just needed to find me and my nards.
“I’m in.”
Chapter Three
“Oh my Goddess, what is that smell?” I choked out as we approached the house.
Zelda and Mac’s home was amazing—a beautiful and huge log cabin with a rustic wrap-around-porch nestled into the side of a tree-covered hill. I was sure I counted at least four chimneys coming out of the roof.
However, as lovely as the exterior might be, it smelled Goddess awful.
“Mother humper,” Zelda shouted, slapping her forehead. “I'm so fucking embarrassed. My house doesn’t normally smell like a giant ass. I guess the douche didn’t work. My familiars, Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett got sprayed when they tried to become one with skunks yesterday. The smell got singed
