‘Tell you what, I’ll stay until Christmas. I need to go home then to spend it with my friends. Kate’s baby is due around then and if all goes to plan we’re having a very swish, extremely elegant millennium party in her back garden that I wouldn’t miss for anything. But I’ll stay until then, okay?’
He reaches over and cuddles me, spilling my coffee and squashing my croissant in the process. Well, it’s probably a good day to start a diet anyway.
I call Kate to tell her what’s happening.
‘Well, what’s the latest? Should I order a maternity bridesmaid’s dress?’ she asks.
‘Sorry, Kate, that’s one treat that you’re going to have to miss. Listen, I won’t tell you what’s happened over the phone because your waters will break, but it’s safe to say that Sam and I won’t be marching up the aisle in this lifetime.’
‘Oh, babe, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’
‘I am, honestly. I’ll put it all in a letter to you. But I am going to stay with Sam for a while longer. Have you got a pen and I’ll give you his number? Oh, never mind, I’ll put that in the letter too. Have you got any news on your due date?’
‘Still Christmas Eve,’ she says, groaning. ‘Although I’m the size of a small planet, so I wouldn’t mind going early.’
‘Don’t you dare. I promise I’ll be back by then so just keep your legs crossed, ok?’
‘Ok.’
‘Good. Now go and lie down and tell my new niece or nephew that I love it and it’s never allowed to follow in my footsteps in any way.’
Her chuckle makes me smile. ‘Oh, we covered that one a long time ago,’ she teases. When she hangs up, I sit down to write the letter I promised her, but then get distracted by a flurry of calls for Sam and I never do get it written. Instead I settle for sending postcards over the next couple of weeks, hastily bought in tourist shops as Sam and I explore Hong Kong together again. That’s the great thing about being an escort – no daytime work. He cuts down his evening shifts to four nights a week to give us even more time for fun.
We must look like the perfect couple as we wander around, laughing and joking, often with his arm slung casually over my shoulder. Four different people ask us if we’re on our honeymoon. If only they knew. I spend half my time giving Sam messages like ‘Daphne wants to book you for tomorrow night and she says can you wear the black leather thong.’
Two weeks later, I’m feeling happier than ever. Sam’s great company. He’s everything I remember and more. He makes me laugh (except when he forces me to go on mid-morning jogs that leave me requiring oxygen), he never stops and he’s full of ideas about what we’re going to do next. Life’s just one big adventure again.
I do have the occasional pang of regret that things didn’t work out differently. But then, knowing me, I’d have messed it up somehow anyway. Let’s face it, this quest has proved that I am to relationships what China is to human rights. When I get home, I’m going to stick with my new lifestyle choice and continue with a celibate existence… until the next man comes along.
That night, Sam cooks me dinner and puts an envelope in front of me. I open it to find two tickets to Thailand. I stare at him open mouthed.
‘Don’t worry, Carly, no strings. I haven’t had a holiday for years and I thought I’d take advantage of you being here to kidnap you for a few weeks. Call it an early Christmas present.’
For a split second I consider saying no. But what’s the harm? I am his personal assistant now – I have to be there to rub suntan lotion on his back.
I call Kate to report in, but there’s no answer. I try Carol: no answer. I dial Jess’s number: same result. It must be a girl’s night out in London. I call Sarah in Glasgow. No answer there either. Michael picks up and we have a quick chat, but I can hear lots of explosions in the background so I can tell he’s distracted by whatever video game he’s using to conquer a universe. I feel a pang of homesickness. I miss him. I miss Callum. I miss my pals. If only they were here.
I call Kate again and leave a message on her machine. ‘Kate, it’s me. Hope your bun is baking nicely. Listen, I was just calling to catch up, so tell all the girls I send my love and I’m missing you all madly. Sam and I are going to Thailand for a few weeks, so don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a while – I’ll be on a beach getting sand on my arse. And no, I’m not going to be a “kept woman” – I’ve got a couple of grand left on my Amex card so I’m going to blow that. I promise that when I get back, I’m going to be a reformed character!’
I get a mental picture of Kate’s face as she dismisses that one out of hand.
Thailand is bliss. We start in Bangkok, before travelling up north to Chiang Mai and then south to Koh Samui and Phuket. We spend long lazy days by the beach, with only windsurfing and waterskiing to rouse us from our sunloungers. At night, we hit the bars before stopping for food and then walking for miles.
The irony of this
