‘Why?’
‘Who knows? Carly, he’s never met me in his life, he’s hardly going to give me all the gory details. And, most importantly of all, we’re going to a wedding on the 21st. Or at least, you’re definitely going, and I’ll be there as long as this little babe comes either really early or bang on time.’
‘There’s no way we’re going to a wedding three days before your due date,’ I tell her, surprised she’d be up for something so ridiculous.
’Eh, refusal isn’t an option.’
‘Why? Whose wedding is it?’
There’s a pause.
‘Callum and Carol’s. They’re getting married in Scotland, at Loch Lomond’
‘WHAT?!!’
‘Callum’s been going crazy trying to find you. There was a cancellation at the hotel they wanted. Carol was going to knock it back because it was so close to my date, but I wouldn’t let her, so they snapped it up but Callum says he’s postponing it if you’re not here. And Carol’s at her wits’ end – you’re the chief bridesmaid.’
‘Oh my God. Kate, I’ll be there. If I have to hijack a Cessna, I’ll be there. Tell them both I’m over the moon for them and I’m sorry I’ve caused all this hassle and I’m on my way. Kate, I have to go. I have to phone the airport. Just hang on till I get there.’
Oh. My. God. Carol and my brother were getting married. This was amazing. Incredible. The best thing I’d ever heard.
I dial the airport and speak to every airline that flies to the UK. If one more person tells me in a patronising voice that they’re fully booked because this is the busiest time of the year, I’ll go down there and slap them. Don’t they realise that with the money I’ve spent on flights over the last six months, I could have bought a small airline?
I finally manage to reserve a seat on Air Bangladesh. I didn’t even know Bangladesh had an airline. Presuming the plane doesn’t run out of fuel mid-air, get hit by storms over the ocean, or have to divert due to a new war in Eastern Europe, I’ll arrive in London at 6 a.m. on the 21st. A connecting flight to Glasgow will see me back on Scottish soil by 9 a.m.. Plenty of time for the 3 p.m. wedding.
I call Kate back and give her the details. ‘Cutting it fine, but it could work. We’re all heading up by car the day before the wedding, so we’ll see you there. We’ll bring Joe with us. And, Coop—’
‘Yep?’
‘Don’t balls this up.’
I thank her for the warning as I hang up the phone. I turn to see Sam looking sad and I do the mature, adult thing and burst into tears.
He asks me what’s wrong, concern written all over his face. How can I explain it? I’m going back to a wedding and, much as I’m ecstatic for Callum and Carol, I’d hoped that the next wedding I’d be going to would be mine. Instead, I’ll have to go back and tell the whole world on the first day that I arrive that I’ve been an abject failure. And not only have I not found the man of my dreams, but I’ll be the only pathetic person at the wedding who hasn’t even got a partner. I’ll be publicly humiliated.
Sam tries to comfort me, but I’m inconsolable. Until I have an idea.
‘Sam, come with me, please. Be my boyfriend for the day. Just get me through the wedding without having to suffer the indignity of having to explain that my grand plan was a big fat failure. Please, Sam, please come.’
He’s shocked. I can tell by the way his mouth is open, but someone’s pressed the mute button. After a few moments, he finally speaks.
‘You’re joking, Carly. How could I do that? You seriously want me to come back with you and spend the whole day pretending to be your boyfriend. It’s insane.’
‘Sam, I hate to point out the obvious, but last time I checked, you were an escort. Look on me as a client – I’m enlisting your services and we don’t even have to do the nudity stuff.’
He laughs and shrugs his shoulders. ‘I knew there had to be a catch.’
20
Livin La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin
We reach the airport with three hours to spare – a result of my paranoia that we’ll miss the plane due to getting a taxi driver with no sense of direction, the taxi breaking down, or a freak monsoon that will flood the road to the airport. Stranger things have happened to me.
We check in and head for the departure lounge, which has a stunning Christmas tree that twinkles from floor to ceiling. Christmas! I’ve barely given it a second thought. It suddenly strikes me that I won’t have time to buy presents when I get home, so I send Sam to the bar and embark on a trolley dash that leaves skid marks on the floor.
I hit Gucci first. Ties for Callum and Bruce and a T-shirt for Michael. That’s the men taken care of. The women aren’t so easy. Carol is a nightmare to buy for – what do you get the woman who has everything, other than a lifetime membership to Shopaholics Anonymous? I spot a beautiful gold bracelet in the jewellery section of the duty-free, next to a tray of gold initials. I buy two C’s, for Callum and Carol, and have them added to the bracelet, thinking that at least I’m getting to flex my romantic side, even if it’s for someone else.
I search frantically for something for Kate, Sarah and Jess, but nothing appeals to me. Sod it, back to the jewellers. Three gold bracelets later, I reach for my credit card to pay. The assistant runs it through the machine, then looks up, embarrassed. My Visa card has been
