We didn’t know what was here, other than warm sunshine. In an Oregon January where the cold, snow, and freezing rain was constant, that seemed like enough.
Once we had the thought that maybe we should move here for a spell, the idea took hold like a fever. We sold everything we didn’t want to take with us and turned that money into what we needed to survive here.
No, that’s not right. We turned that money into what we thought we needed to survive here.
We bought the little cart and piled it high with food. I knew there had to be better hunting here than I had found in the middle of the winter back home, where even the squirrels were hiding. So, I brought my rifle and as many boxes of ammunition as I thought we could carry.
I was perturbed when I took the cart up to the door. This is another one of those things I don’t expect anyone to ever believe. The cart was wider than the door. I should have thought to measure, but I didn’t. I got frustrated, just like Annie says I always do, and I pushed the cart into the door anyway, and in we went. It didn’t fit, but it went right through like shit through a goose.
Again, pardon my language.
It was pretty good for a while. Mostly, we were just glad to be out of the rain that seems to stretch forever some winters. At first, we thought maybe there was eternal sunshine here, but eventually it rained on us here, too. It was a warm rain that soon went away, though, so we didn’t mind so much. In fact, the kids stripped down to their skivvies and ran through it. Annie were tempted to do the same, but didn’t. I wish we had.
I thought I would build us a little cabin to stay in. We kept saying that if we didn’t like it, we could just go back. But we didn’t have a map. By the time we decided we needed to go back or die, it was too late. For the life of us we couldn’t find that damn door. And I do mean for the life of us.
I brought the gun because I thought the hunting would be good. I never thought the hunting might be good and we would be what was being hunted, but that’s what happened.
On the second day we were here, we saw a grizzly bear, but it wasn’t like any bear I’ve ever seen. It was bigger than our house we left behind. We hid behind the rocks and it never came close to us, but laws! Just seeing it walk by was enough to loosen your bowels.
We kept wandering, looking for the perfect place to settle down, but the more we walked, the more we ran into the most incredible animals and birds. Problem was, they all wanted to eat us more than we wanted to eat them.
Finally, we found this cave. I thought that was our salvation, but it just meant the inevitable was a little slower coming. One of us had to stand watch in the mouth of the cave every minute or they would come right in and drag us out. I don’t know what we would have done if that giant bear had decided we were living in his cave. Our rifle wouldn’t have been so much as a peashooter to that great beast.
At first, I thought Annie and I could take turns on watch. Two people trying to stay sharp twenty-four hours a day wears you out pretty fast. After a few days, I had to break down and have Jimmy watch for a few hours.
Then Alice wanted a turn. I should have known. That’s the way kids are.
Before I’d let her stand guard, I made sure she was trained. To remember that every gun is a loaded gun. To never point it at anything she didn’t mean to shoot. How to clean it. That sort of thing. She picked it all up real fast and I thought she was ready.
She wasn’t ready.
Her very first watch, we all stood around and watched her, too. Everything was fine until one of those wolves came running at her.
They did it all the time. Testing us. Didn’t take them long to figure out what the range of the gun was, then they just tried to get us to waste our ammo.
Alice didn’t know that. When it came running at her, it scared her, of course. She was just a little girl. I must have lost my mind to ask her to do what I did.
It’s hard for me to even write this, but it’s important that I get this all down before I finish what needs to be done.
Alice gave a little scream, turned to run, and tripped. When she fell, she pulled the trigger. It all happened so slow, it was like I could watch that bullet heading for Johnny’s head, but I was frozen in place.
Annie didn’t handle losing Johnny very well. He was always her favorite.
For a long time, she held his body and rocked him back and forth while Alice cried and cried.
Before I knew what was happening, Annie picked up the gun, shot Alice, then herself.
I didn’t think she’d be able to reach the trigger with the barrel under her chin like that.
She found a way.
That she didn’t shoot me first showed how much she hated me by then.
I wish I’d never seen that Goddamned door.
Excuse my language.
The final page was signed, Zachary Moorcock.
Alex hadn’t realized
