I lowered myself to their standards. I should have fought like a hero, but instead, I fought like a villain. I tortured him; I stabbed him with a broken wine bottle. I kicked him while he was already down. Where's the honor in that? Where's the courage? Where's the fucking humanity?
I should have called the police. I should have had him arrested and taken away. Fuck, what good would that have done? Colton would have ended up in trouble and I refuse to allow that to happen. Colton deserves the chance to explain himself just as Nic and the boys had, and fuck, I'm hoping that what he has to say isn't going to kill me the way the boys did. I can't lose Colton too.
I fall back against the cold tiles of the shower and sink down to the ground. My arms wrap around my knees and I hold myself in a tight ball, wishing I could somehow go back and walk out of the wine cellar without laying a hand on him.
I've always thought that having the courage to deal with your problems meant being ready to end someone. But there is no strength in murder. I was wrong ... Nic is wrong. The fucking boys are wrong. Ending someone like that, that's weak. That's taking the easy way out. An eye for an eye.
I allowed my emotions to run the show instead of playing it smart.
I could have taken him out of there and hand-delivered him to the cops. I could have recorded a confession and had him locked up. There are so many things I could have done. I failed myself, and now I don't know if I'll ever get justice.
My head falls against my knees as the water sprays down over my hair and runs down my back. I wonder what Colton is doing. Is he staying behind to cleanup my mess or is he finishing off Jude himself? Hell, maybe he's out there somewhere trying to work out what the fuck he's going to tell me, how he's going to explain himself. Though, maybe I should be the one thinking about an explanation.
What's he going to think of me? The concern in his eyes was astronomical. How could he look at me the same after witnessing that? I turned into the one thing I hate. I turned into a monster with no self-control.
I should be in prison. I should be somewhere far, far away from the people I love. I should be suffering. I should be the one lying on the ground in pools of my own blood.
The bathroom door opens and my head snaps up, my eyes wide and frantic, terrified of who's about to walk in here and what they're about to see, but when I find Colton looking back at me, my fears settle.
He walks straight to the shower and opens the glass door, not bothering to strip off his clothes before he steps under the hot water and sinks down beside me. He ignores the shitty fire in the bathtub and pulls me into his arms, but I don't miss how the water runs red again.
My sobs reach their peak and I cry into Colton's neck, neither of us saying a damn word until I'm finally able to calm myself. He pulls me up onto his lap and I hold him closer, needing his comfort, but most of all, needing him. “It's going to be okay,” he whispers, his voice barely audible over the sound of the water crashing down against the shower tiles.
“How do you know that?” I question. “I nearly killed a man and not out of self-defense, out of revenge. What does that make me?”
“It makes you human, Jade. It makes you flawed just like the rest of us, but the fact that you were able to stop and pull yourself away, baby, that makes you so fucking strong.”
I shake my head, not even close to agreeing with him. “I'm a monster. I did horrible things just to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I wanted to make him hurt like he did to me, but it doesn't change anything. The memories are still there, the feel of his hands on my body is still there, the sound of my dress tearing, the fogginess. It doesn't change anything.”
“Time,” he tells me. “Nothing is going to take it away but time, but until that happens, you can't stop living your life. You can't allow what he did to keep you from moving forward. What he did does not define you, only you can do that, Jade.”
“I already know what I am, Colton. What I did ... that's the kind of thing that deserves to have me locked up for the rest of time. I'm just glad you came when you did. If I had …” I glance away, unable to meet his eyes, letting that thought trail off. “You would have been right, I would have lost myself. I don't think I would have been able to come back from that.”
Colton peels the wet hair off my face and forces my eyes back to his. “Don't be afraid of yourself. He hurt you and you did what you had to do to make it easier to get through it. That doesn't make you a monster. You're fucking perfect.”
“I'm capable of awful things, Colton. I'm not someone you should be with. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to get out of here.”
“That's never going to happen. I told you, I'm in this. You're my girl, Jade, and I'm not about to leave you, especially when you're going
