I wasn’t sure. I knew the moment Rager got inside the car again I’d have that same pit in my stomach as I always did. I’d obsess over the what ifs and look at our babies and think to myself, “soak it up because this may be the last time he holds them.” I hated thinking that way, but it came with the sport. Everyone here knew it.
“I don’t know what’s harder.” Kinsley paused, running the sleeve of her JAR Racing hoodie over her eyes. “The fact that he’s paralyzed or that I’m going to be raising a baby on my own while he’s recovering. He can’t change diapers or chase after her when she starts crawling or even lay her down in bed. But what really sucks, what really makes me sad is that I loved our lives. It will never be like that again. I’m never going to hear the words ‘Quick time!’ shouted through the loudspeakers or watch him stand on the wing at Knoxville Nationals. I loved traveling around to the different tracks with you guys and our race life. Now… I don’t know where that leaves us. Everything is changing so fast I can’t keep up with it.”
I wanted to comfort her and tell her that wasn’t the case, but sadly, it was. And we both knew how incredibly different our lives could be by one second that changed everything forever.
Tears rolled down her cheeks and she sucked in a breath. “I keep remembering the last thing he said to me before he got in that car.”
“What did he say?” Hayden asked, stuffing a cookie in her mouth, crumbs all over her shirt and all down in her cleavage. I hadn’t even realized she’d come outside with us.
I glared. “We brought those for her and Caden, not you, jerk.”
“Oh, please, he ate like fifteen bags of Skittles on the drive here. He doesn’t need cookies,” Hayden pointed out. “And I’m fuckin’ starving. You’re the jerk, jerk.”
Kinsley smiled at us. “He said kiss me after the race. It’ll mean more then. And all I could think about when he was lying in that coma for so long was, wake up so I can get my kiss.”
And now I was crying. “You can still work with JAR Racing.” I wanted to offer her something, if anything. There wasn’t much I could say that would be comforting to her, but a job would be, right?
Kinsley sighed, her eyes on Caden and the baby. “Maybe after his inpatient therapy he’ll get better, but if not, I think we’re gonna move back home to be with family.”
“We’re family.” Hayden looked offended, tears rolling down her cheeks.
At first I didn’t know how to reply. Hayden never cried. But then I focused on Kinsley. I could understand what Kinsley wanted. Call me crazy, but I totally understood what Kinsley meant when she said she loved her life. This road life, it was something to appreciate. Traveling around the country in a coach, a different track every night, random Walmart’s as campsites, and the occasional early morning parking lot motor heat. It wasn’t for everyone, but once you experienced it, there was nothing else like it. I couldn’t imagine anything else, but now Kinsley was being forced to reshape those plans they’d made.
Kinsley laughed through her tears, hugging Hayden to her side. “See, I’m going to miss you guys.”
“You’re still welcome to come with us any time.”
“I know, but I can’t even look at a sprint car without bursting into tears. And he’s the same way. He was literally shaking when we pulled up to the shop and couldn’t look at the motor home. He laughs and smiles, tries to act like it doesn’t bother him, but that was his dream and it was taken from him.”
I felt like fucking shit when she said that. I knew it wasn’t directed at me, or Rager, but still, it didn’t make me feel any better. We said our goodbyes after that. I offered to send Rosa over to help them but Caden insisted, or rather begged us not to.
“I wanna keep her,” Hayden said once we were in the car.
I checked my phone to see if I missed any calls from Rager. Nothing. “She’s not a pet, Hayden. We can’t keep her.”
Hayden scooped out the cookie crumbs from her bra. “Do you ever think about it?”
“About what?” I knew what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to think about it.
“Them dying? How quickly their career could end. I mean, it’s a miracle that Rager survived that one. You know?”
“I know. Believe me, I know. I’ve thought about it constantly since my grandpa died in one, but then again, you can’t think about it… if that makes sense.”
Hayden nodded. “I know.” Sighing, she reached for her sunglasses, staring at the track in the distance.
“What about you?”
“I… didn’t used to. Now I do and it’s scary. I’m not meant to be a single mom.”
I laughed. There was certainly some truth to it. If it hadn’t been for my parents through all this, there would be no way I could do this.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, Hayden stared at their apartment. “Do you think he can still have sex?”
I nearly choked on my own spit. “Why would you even think that?”
“Well,” she sighed, “I don’t know. You didn’t?”
“No, I didn’t. And I kinda hate you now because I’m curious.”
“Would it be inappropriate to text her and ask?”
“Yes, don’t do that.”
She held up her phone. “Too late. I already did.”
“Hayden,” I sighed. “You didn’t.”
“Actually, I asked if his camshaft still worked. Think she’ll know what you mean?”
It took me a second to catch onto what she said. “What I mean?” I panicked. “What? Did you say I wanted to know?”
She grinned. “Oh, well, I didn’t want to ask so I sent it from your phone.”
“You fucking asshole. Are you serious?” I nearly swerved my car into
