were hungry and went up too fast to stop
she screamed
and edged away
I stomped at leaves and leaves
tried to kick them down
but they were alive
full of themselves
kick them away from the house!
but she was useless
crying spinning
looking for something
a broad thick layer
of leaves caught then
drifting lifting
near his little house
I tore my jacket off
and swatted at the flames
they splashed my hands
boiling and freezing them
Help! Help!
she cried out
in a voice so weak
it made me mad
flames scratched at
the shed
the shed boiled alive
like water rolling up
so quick so quick
Rachel, help me stop it!
then he yelled
Father Percy
from the churchyard
and his huffing
running
thumping
across the ground
Oh my Lord!
Oh dear God!
Oh!
Oh no!
Then Not Just Him
but I thought God
Himself must
be stomping down to us
everything at once
turned silver
in the world
the air the sky
my hands
the fire
her face
like someone stabbed
me through the eyes
and silver cut
a sliver in the sky
sliced it up
and down
and wind
and freezing rain
poured down the air
rushing at
the tiny two of us
as though the girders
holding heavy heaven
high up there
buckled like the joists
holding up
a moldy ceiling
and dropped
the whole weight
of its weight on us
lightning
thunder
and rain came down
and rain and rain and rain
She Ran Away
I ran for
her
leaving my
self
behind
following again
Rachel!
not even thinking
that by calling her
now Father Percy
would know it was
Rachel by her name
and me by calling her
she flew back up the slope and
was twisting like her own storm
halfway down the trail
where I saw her
stumbling forward at top speed
stop! Rachel stop!
my fingers burned
as if I’d stuck them in a socket
as if my bones
were razor wire
the sudden rain was cold
and blinding
stinging my hands
until I finally reached her
two point three miles
from my house
where she was like a ghost
standing
leaning out
on that foundation
slab of brick and stone
over the steepest drop
in the woods
she was looking down
I stopped short
Rachel . . .
she turned to me
her face in the sudden lightning
red and wet
from rain and tears
hair plastered on
her forehead
her eyes black holes
her skin chalky white
It’s Over Now
she screamed into the rain
I’m done. Nothing.
Nothing.
it’s not over
nothing
is over
I thought the rain
might stop his quiet house
from burning
but the flames kept rising up
I heard sirens now
get away from the edge
and stop running away
her voice then
was a scratch of glass
I don’t want to do this anymore.
then her voice went low
as if she was possessed
I’ve screwed up everything.
If I can’t do my art,
I don’t want anything.
don’t you dare!
Rachel—
I went to her
step by slow step
not knowing what
to do
or say
or be
to get her off
that ledge of stone
I went to her
my arms
my hands to her
too late
her feet
moved
She Fell
leaving the stone
brick concrete
slab foundation
except she didn’t fall
she flew
some angle of replay might
show she
slippedwalkeddroppedjumpedthrewherself
straight off that edge of stone
into the mouth
of it
the valley
the pit
the hole
and thunder came
and came and came
I Trippedrolleddivedtoppleddown
the slope my legs going out
two random sticks
under me
sliding pinging ponging
to where I heard her
body crash and crack
and snap
and break
against the trees
and rocks
and splashy ground
thuds yells screams
and sudden silence
as if the sky pulled back
its own wild storm
for one short second
and all there was
was the silence of
her dead at the bottom
then
A Wail
like some sick
sickening moan
some dying
bear horse bird man
and in a spark of lightning
I saw her
bent on the rocks
below
I fell to her
crawled to her
cut my face
my lip in half
banged up my knees
her face slipped facedown
in the water
her short hair
slick to her head
was all I saw
Rachel!
I pulled
her shoulders up
I didn’t know
I didn’t know
but she would drown
if I didn’t move her
just don’t don’t don’t
I slipped my
puppet arms
and stinging burning hands
under her back
and picked her
stumbling up
from the water
and wrestled her
step by step
foot by foot
up the slope
to the trail
you never know
how you do things
you just do them
in my head was
get up to the trail
up to the trail
only to the trail
just do it do it
and I did
Then I Carried Her
I carried her
my wire arms on fire
my fingers screaming
my lips bleeding
down my chin
eyes stinging
from smoke
and ash
and freezing rain
to the mouth
of the trail
you . . . you’re . . .
yeah
I know
a loser freak
shut up
down the street to
the nearest house
I laid her carefully
on the lawn
threw a stick at
the front door
and ran into the woods
I heard them rush outside
see the flames
through the rain-swaying branches
then spot the crumpled
girl twisting on the lawn
the wife ran back inside
to make the call
the husband heard my rustling
in the trees
and ran after me
so that is why
all that is why
I ran I fled I crept away
to hide
Mom’s Camper
was the first place
they would look
so it was hardly hiding
but I felt safe
in those snug walls
closed up in there
the light not on
and only
painted stars
to show
my better face
was looking
down at me
I saw the flames
from the window
and the black shapes
of firefighters
moving in front
like a movie
that was like
no movie
I could have run
but could not move
I guess I wanted
to be found
expected
to be found
hoped I’d
be found
I was
Banging Brought Me Out
and the screaming
of Rachel’s mother
and the cops
and my dad
they found me
where I hid
but did not hide
Jimmy standing staring
from the yard
a thousand questions
on his face
her mother shrieking
You were there!
You were there!
Mrs. . . . Please . . .
that was some cop
who turned to me and said
Son, there is a girl
Hurt,
And a burning shed.
his quiet house
I know
Did you . . .
I was there
for both
Bobby, don’t say anything!
Is that your father?
yes
Then come with us, please,
Both of you.
They Drove Us
to the station
the police station
where a nurse
cleaned me up
my hands and face
and lips
and all the while
my mind was
a whirling blank
of nothing useful
except one thing
one thing
I knew that I would do
Jimmy like a tv dad
asked for a lawyer right off
then twisting like I’ve never seen him
leaned on a desk
shaking his head
not saying much
confused
we waited there
sitting standing staring
not talking
waiting waiting
my lips zipped up
all by themselves
and wouldn’t let me speak
while we waited there
and while we waited
a policewoman came in
holding a plastic bag
inside the bag
Rachel’s burned-up lighter
then Father Percy
came running in
my heart spiked
because I didn’t know
how much he’d seen
of what happened
at the shed
before the lawyer came
Father Percy asked to talk
to the policewoman
she said her name
I didn’t get it
they spoke for a bit
low words
then he looked at me
and took me to an office
that was empty
we sat down
All right, Bobby, look.
I don’t know what you’re planning to say, but—
it’s my fault
he took a breath
and pressed his lips tight
then dragged his chair
across the rug right up to me
two jerky lines
through the neat
vacuum stripes
while the cops
and Jimmy
and Rachel’s mother
waited
and sat facing me
his legs pumping up and down
his hands trembling
his eyes red
ash on his black
