I sprint on my toe picks, hopping off the ice without my blade guards.
“Hayden!”
He pauses at the door but doesn’t turn around. Cyn catches up, and they enter the lobby together.
I’m only a few feet behind. It’s tricky to run in skates, but I have to catch up to him.
“Please, wait!” Rink workers stare as I burst into the lobby, but my attention is completely on Hayden.
“What?” He shoots me a look that’s icier than the coldest rink. It roots me in place. Cyn stands behind him, her hand on the door that leads out onto the street. Her eyes dart between me and the nearest recital poster.
“Just—” I stop. Look down at my skates. Without my black boot covers, the white leather seems blinding. “I was planning to tell you.…”
“When? You could’ve said something at Fairyland. Or at my house or even skate-school. You didn’t.” His words are clipped, sharper than Miss Lydia’s at her most irritated. I open my mouth, then close it.
Hayden’s eyes flicker from an ad on the concession stand napkin dispenser to a larger poster above the front desk cash register. They return to me, unforgiving. “Was this some sort of game? A prank?”
“No! I—”
“Am I a joke to you, Ana-Marie?”
I flinch like I’ve been hit.
“I can’t believe you lied to my whole family.” Hayden’s face twists into a grimace. He shakes his head, not bothering to brush the hair out of his eyes as he turns to Cyn. “I thought—I want to go home.” His voice catches.
Wait!
It’s too late. Cyn holds the door open and Hayden heads onto the concrete sidewalk where I can’t follow. She glances back at me. For a second, I think she might say something.
The moment’s over in one stuttering quick heartbeat. Without a word, Cyn follows Hayden out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
All night, I had dreams about what happened, imagining what I could have done differently. In one, I didn’t forget my phone. I saw the texts Hayden sent Monday morning telling me that Cyn was driving him to the rink four days early. Dream-me tore down the posters before he arrived, ripped apart every glossy copy, until I was unrecognizable to anyone. Even myself.
Mom and I walk hand in hand toward her office. I look up at the streetlights, but no rainbow flags wave above me. Pride month is over until next summer. There’s nothing left to celebrate.
“We should think about spending some time outside if this weather holds up through the weekend.” Mom squeezes my hand. “We could go to Golden Gate Park again, or change things up. The beach could be nice.”
“Okay.” I feel like a zombie.
“I’ll give Mrs. Naftali a call and see if she and Tamar would like to come.”
My hand jerks out of Mom’s fast. She turns to me, a question in her eyes.
“Sorry.” I raise my hand to the back of my neck. “I had an itch.”
Another lie. I don’t know how to tell Mom that Tamar and I aren’t talking.
Each step I take feels heavier as we approach Mom’s office. Around us, people rush to work or file into line at coffee kiosks. Cars honk.
I watch and listen in a daze. The only thing that matters is that I ruined everything, first with Tamar, then with Hayden. Aside from Faith, no one my own age is talking to me.
Mom has been trying. I’m the one with the one-word replies. I didn’t even tell her about skating a clean free program yesterday.
I should be thrilled about my progress. But all I can see is the look of anger on Hayden’s face, and the hurt that followed. I caused both.
I can’t imagine how he’ll act when he sees me at skate-school tonight. Will he yell again? Let me explain?
Maybe he’ll completely ignore me.
“Good morning, Ms. Jin.” Samuel smiles by the front door of Mom’s building. He turns to me. “Hello, Ana.”
Mom glances between the two of us, brows rising.
I can barely manage a halfhearted smile. Mom and Samuel talk while we wait. My duffel digs into my shoulder and a skate blade pokes my hip through its cloth cover. Mom hasn’t said my name in over a week, Alex believes I’m over my issues with my free-skate program, and Hayden and Tamar both hate me. Who’s next? Faith? Other skaters at the rink? What about the members of my temple?
How long will I have to keep pretending if I never speak up?
The Parks’ SUV appears at the street corner and my breakfast churns in my stomach. The sensation rises, tightening into an uncomfortable ball in my chest. It expands as Faith and Mrs. Park stop at a light one block over. By the time the light turns, cracks form. Mrs. Park slows to a stop in front of us, and I split apart more.
There’s no way I can act strong all day knowing I’ll see Hayden at skate-school tonight.
My vision blurs. I sniffle but the tears don’t come.
Something must look off when Samuel glances over. “Ana?”
This time, the word stings. It prickles against my skin. I want it to be Mom who says my name.
“What’s wrong?” Mom’s forehead creases. She takes a step toward me, then stops.
Where to start? My program, the choreo, and the costume are nightmares. All I know is I’m tired of lying to people I care about.
“I don’t want to do this.”
The words catch me by surprise, but now that they’re out, they make complete sense. My eyes stay fixed on my feet. I can’t see Mom or Samuel, but their gazes burn deep.
“What did you say?”
I steal a glance at Mom. Is she mad?
I want to tell her: I’m not a girl.
Just four simple words.
They lodge in my throat. In their place, my frantic hope from yesterday returns. My thoughts scatter, then patch themselves haphazardly back together.
The seconds tick past. As the Parks wait for me to hop in, I look up for real.
“I can’t go to practice today.” I set
