She’s yelling and it’s not the volume of her voice that hurts, but her words. I’m still bitter about her shutting my love down. I’m still hurt from her rejection. My heart is sore and tired. I don’t mean to respond with my anger and hurt, but it happens. “You want to know who I am?” I don’t wait for a response. “I’m one of the best fucking Capos in The Famiglia. I hunt people down, find their secrets, and extort them for everything they have. I make people disappear with such accuracy it’s like they never existed. I kill people who don’t pay up then go home and sleep like a fucking baby. I’m not good. I live the same dark and deceptive life as you. I’m not sweet. I’m not kind.”
My voice has risen, and I can see by the look on her face it’s unexpected, because I never yell at her. I take a deep breath, forcing my words to come out more evenly.
“Nothing about what we have is fake, Delaney. I thought I loved you, but how can I possibly love someone so selfish she doesn’t care who breaks in the process of getting what she wants? How can I possibly love someone who repeatedly turns her back on the one person who would bend over backwards for her? How can I possibly love someone who can’t see the truth even when it’s five fucking inches from her face?” I can’t stop, stepping forward to grab her chin, her tears burning my fingertips. “The truth Laney Girl is I can’t. I can’t love you, and do you know why?”
She shakes her head, but I make her answer, waiting until the words quietly slip from her lips. “Why?”
I swallow, my eyes shifting between hers. “I can’t love you because you told me I couldn’t.” I can tell that wasn’t the answer she was expecting, the rise and fall of her chest quickening. “You own me. I am so wrapped up in you that I’ll break my own fucking heart just because you ask me to. You told me not to love you, so here I am, not loving you. Isn’t this what you wanted?”
I move to squeeze her face in my palms, sink my fingers into her hair. “You wanted me to stop loving you, so you could love Donatello. And now you’re here, crying over another thing he’s done. Like it’s not the millionth time you’ve cried for him, expecting me to take that pain away. And do you know what, Delaney?”
She blinks out more tears, her lip quivering as she speaks. “What?”
I lean forward, tilt her face so her lips are a breath from mine. My heart wants me to eat that space, remove it and press her lips to mine, but I don’t. “I can’t.”
I drop her face, turning away from her. I’m letting my pain rule my actions, not caring about the consequences. I’m always the one she can fall to but she’s never there for me. I’m never first, always second with her. I feel her face press against my back, her hands grasping onto the fabric of my shirt. Her cheeks are wet, making damp spots where they press.
“I didn’t want you to stop loving me because I wanted to love Donatello.” I don’t say anything, just stand there with my eyes closed, heart pounding so roughly I can feel it in my ribs. “You’re not safe with me.”
I spin in her arms forcing her to step back. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
She stares at me, like she’s lost in that head of hers. Seeing me but not actually seeing me.
“How am I not safe with you? I just told you I’m part of the fucking mafia. I just told you I wasn’t the basic fucking college boy you thought I was.”
“Donatello almost killed you two weeks ago Jessie. And you’re in the Famiglia. I didn’t know that then, but it doesn’t even matter because he can obviously do whatever the fuck he wants.” She pauses, her eyes widening like she’s just realized something, but I couldn’t possibly guess what. “Donatello wanted to kill you then and he still had me. He has nothing stopping him now that I’m not there for him. I just broke his heart and came running to you…”
She looks like she’s starting to panic. “Delaney calm down. Donatello isn’t going to fucking kill me.”
“He already almost did Jessie!” She’s spiraling, letting herself get lost in her panic and I’m not sure how to stop the downfall. “I need to leave. I shouldn’t have come here.”
She goes toward her bag and I grab her arm forcing her to look at me. “Will you stop? Donatello isn’t doing anything right now but getting drunk over you.” I don’t actually know that, but it’s not hard to guess. “He isn’t rushing here to kill me and he won’t. You’re being ridiculous and slightly insulting.”
It’s like she doesn’t even hear me, pulling from my hand to grab her bag anyway. “You were right Jessie.” She’s gripping the bag in her hands so tightly I can see the white of her knuckles. “I am selfish, but I won’t be this time.”
I step forward and she steps back, keeping out of reach. I’m starting to regret ever saying anything to her and not just fucking holding her like she wanted. “Laney Girl, where are you going to go? Stay here.”
“I can’t. I need to go. I’ll stay in a hotel or something.” She’s already at the door, still crying even though she’s the one doing this now. “I’m sorry, Jessie.”
She practically runs out the door and I just stand there completely fucking confused. It hurts watching her leave again and makes me angry that she has such little faith in me. I went into the fight knowing I was
