“It’s not easy!!” she screamed, her expression crumpling and a sob escaping her lips.
“It’s never easy!!” he yelled back, wanting to just reach into his chest and rip his heart out because oh god, it hurt it hurt it hurt.
It hurt too much. And he didn’t want to feel—not anymore.
“It wasn’t easy for me to let you in either, Carmen,” he said in a pained voice, feeling his own eyes prickle. “But I did because of the simple fact that I trusted you and that I love you. I wanted you to know me, to see my world.” His voice cracked towards the end, the rest of his words leaving his mouth in pure anguish. “And all I can think of right now is that you don’t want me to be a part of your world. That you’re not willing to let me know you.”
“It’s not like that, Asa.” She swallowed audibly, running a hand under her eyes messily. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Don’t give me that!” Asa retorted, wanting to shove his fist into the wall behind him and watch the pieces fall away as a hole formed over there—much like the one currently growing in the centre of his chest. “Don’t give me that “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit. You can do better than that.”
“Fine, Asa,” Carmen spat back, her eyes flashing with something that Asa could only compare to a strike of lightening. “You want the truth? The truth was that it was Hunter I needed last night, and he was there.”
Her words were a jagged-edged knife being shoved into his chest—impossible to pull out without taking chunks of his heart with it. And God, was it tearing him apart brutally on the inside.
Asa opened his mouth to say something but had to close it again because there was this lump in his throat and he didn’t know why it was there but it felt like a thousand needles stabbing him, which was making it near impossible for him to speak.
“Wait,” Carmen mumbled, her tone losing its venom and staring at Asa with a frightened look in her eyes. “Wait. That wasn’t—I didn’t mean—that’s not what I meant, Asa. I’m so sorry, that’s not—”
“He broke you,” he told her with a slight tremble in his voice. “He broke you time and time again. He hurt you. He left you. And I was the one who stood by your side, Carmen. I was there to help you pick up the pieces. But he’s the one you turn to when you need someone?”
“He understands, Asa!” Carmen gestured desperately with her hands. “He knows what it’s like with that side of the family. He gets it—”
“—I want to understand too, Carmen!” Asa kicked the chair further away, a frustrated growl leaving his mouth. “I want to know how to be there for you. I want to know what brings you pain, what makes you upset. I want to be that safe place for you to fall into when the going gets rough. I want you—all of you. But if you can’t open up to me, if it’s him you’re going to keep turning to in times of need... Then, Carmen, I—I really don’t get what my role in this relationship is.”
“I just don’t want to lose you,” she said softly, silent tears spilling out the corner of her eyes uncontrollably.
“You’re shutting me out because you don’t want to lose me, but we’re in this position because you won’t let me in, Carmen. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?”
“Please.” She shook her head fervently, the raw fear in her eyes unmistakeable now. A part of her must have figured out how this was going to end, but Asa couldn’t backtrack. It was too little, too late. “I love you.”
“What’s that even supposed to mean anymore?” he asked, voice strained and lifeless now. “You say those three words like it’s an instant remedy. Like it can fix just about anything.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true.” She sniffled, eyes red and puffy, killing Asa a little more on the inside. “I do love you. Is that not enough?”
Asa didn’t respond right away, drawing in a deep breath and letting the air fill that aching, hollow cavity in the middle of his chest, right in the core of his entire being. And for one last time, he let reality punch him in the gut.
“No, Carmen,” he said quietly, the last remaining heartstring snapping into two and shattering whatever hope he’d been clutching onto. “It isn’t enough.”
He saw her recoil, backing away a few steps as if his words had physically knocked her off balance.
“How can you say that to me?” she whispered, looking at him with so much hurt in her eyes. He wanted to scrub, scratch and rip that look out of his memory for good.
“Because you say that you love me but you don’t live up to it.” He looked down at his feet, feeling the lump in his throat grow even more painful. “You say that you love me, but here you are, ready to welcome with open arms the one person who’d made it his life’s mission to make mine hell.”
“Don’t say that.” She shut her eyes, as if it hurt too much for her to hear him say it. “Don’t say that I don’t mean it when I tell you that I love you.”
“Then prove me wrong, Carmen.” There was a sense of pleading in his tone. “Tell me you’ll let me in on what’s really going on with you.”
Carmen averted her gaze, focusing on the wall next to Asa. “I don’t know.”
I don’t know. I don’t know.
And those three words sealed the deal.
Because Carmen hadn’t said “I need time”. Or “I’m
