“I won’t try convincing you that because this isn’t some passing cloud,” Asa’s voice didn’t waver, the sincerity ringing through his words and echoing off every syllable as his eyes burned into Carmen’s. “It’s different with us, and the two of us know that. Our perspectives, this kind of intensity—it comes with a certain level of maturity, not age. And I’m in for the long haul, Carmen. You’re a part of my life, okay? Which means that everything about you becomes a part of me too. And Hunter? I can’t see him anywhere in that life.”
“He’s my family, Asa.” Carmen bit her lip, eyes growing watery. “Please.”
“But you said I was your family too.” Asa’s voice broke, every ounce of anger fading away and the raw hurt rising to the surface. “That’s what you said, Carmen. Before you left for that dinner, you kissed me and you told me that I was family to you. You said that. Why would you say something like that to me if you never meant it?” How could Carmen claim that Asa was family and go ahead and welcome with open arms someone who’d broken him in indescribable ways?
A single drop escaped the pool of tears gathered at the corner of Carmen’s eyes, slipping down her cheek before she hastily wiped it away.
It hurt Asa to watch, but right now everything was hurting for him.
“I did mean it,” she said in a thick voice, as if it pained her to get the words out. “I meant every word I’ve ever said to you, Asa. You are family, and I do love you but I love Hunter too. I can’t help that.”
“How can you even say that?” Asa asked, his voice a mere whisper of disbelief. “He’s a monster. Do you know the kind of shit he’s done to people? The hearts he’s broken? The minds he’s messed around with? The way he mercilessly kicks someone below the belt at their most vulnerable point just so that he can see them break?”
Carmen closed her eyes, stumbling back a few steps as if she wanted to un-hear all that Asa just said.
“Things are different now,” she looked at him pleadingly. “He’s different now—”
“And that’s supposed to change all the damage he’s already inflicted?”
“He’s trying, Asa!” Another tear trailed down her cheek, and he had to look away. “He knows he’s done wrong by me—”
“Done wrong by you?” Asa shot her an incredulous look, eyes hardening. “By you?” He chuckled darkly. “I cannot believe you right now,” he muttered under his breath. “Done wrong by you—”
“Asa, he just needs time—”
“Goddammit, Carmen!” Asa slammed his fist on the table, making the salt and pepper bottles rattle. “You were basically his sibling! No matter what he did to you, there was a part of him that knew this and held back from tormenting you to his fullest capabilities! But you know who got the brunt of it all? Me. Me. He ripped me apart, tore down my defences. God, he was ruthless. Every goddamn time I thought I’d gotten my shit together, every time I believed I’d grown another new layer of thicker skin, he would come along and burn it down to nothing. He made me feel like nothing. And do you know the one thing that has kept me going all these years in school? The fact that once I was done with high school, I was also going to be done with that horrible excuse of a human being. And you... Carmen, I don’t want to be done with you once senior year is over. I don’t want to be done with you when college is over. I don’t think I ever want to be done with you, but Hunter being back in your life—coming back as a sibling nonetheless—that’s not me getting rid of him. That’s him being a part of my life even after I leave this shitty town and all the shitty memories with it.”
“Asa,” Carmen choked out, the tears freely streaming down her face now.
The saddest part was that this was the most Asa had ever seen her react or reveal her genuine emotions. He wondered how much more there was to learn about her.
“Asa, please don’t make me choose,” she pleaded, shaking her head slowly as she tried furiously to stop the tears.
“I won’t do that to you, Carmen.” Asa smiled at her sadly. “I love you, remember?”
Something in Carmen’s expression broke, and for the first time ever, Asa saw a pure kind of vulnerability in her eyes. But it was too late. Too late.
Asa had been standing with that outstretched hand for a little too long now, and it was beginning to hurt. Perhaps it was about time he stopped waiting for her to take it because she didn’t look like she was about to do so anytime soon.
He looked away, his heart hurting as he uttered the next words. “I won’t make you choose,” he paused, letting the words hang in the tensed air between them, “but I need to be able to choose for myself. And a future with Hunter in it is not a life I want.”
“I love you,” Carmen blurted, her words shaking and tripping over each other like the tear tracks on her cheeks that kept colliding into one another. “I love you, Asa. I meant it the first time, I meant it yesterday, I mean it now and I’ll mean it tomorrow. Just…just stay, okay? We—”
“Why, Carmen?” He tilted his head, looking at her helplessly. “Give me a reason to stay. Because you won’t tell me why you want him back in your life all of a sudden. You won’t tell me what really happened at the dinner last night. You won’t tell me what’s wrong—what’s really wrong. You won’t talk
