“No,” Carmen murmured, her eyes drifting towards Asa’s profile. “I didn’t know what I was going to say to you, but then I ran into Marlene and…”
Asa’s head tilted towards her, not exactly taking his eyes off the road, but the gesture was enough to let Carmen know that he wasn’t expecting her to say that. It was more acknowledgment than he’d shown her the whole ride so far.
“We, uh, we started talking and…” Carmen shrugged despite knowing that Asa couldn’t see the gesture. “And something just struck me when she mentioned that she was afraid to get involved with you because of Isla.”
Asa brought the truck to a stop, and Carmen’s eyes flickered to the windshield, only then realising that they’d already reached her place.
But Carmen didn’t make any move to leave Asa’s presence. Not yet.
The silence stretched on, unnerving and making Carmen’s heart do somersaults in her chest. How was she supposed to word it? How was she supposed to start? Did she slowly build up to it?
“He was the first person to tell me he loves me,” Carmen blurted, her tongue not waiting for her frantic thoughts to catch up. The words had slipped past now, and there was no taking them back.
Asa’s forehead creased, and he turned his head to finally meet Carmen’s eyes for the first time that day.
Something happened. There was an explosion in Carmen’s chest.
It was as if a barrier had burst wide open and all the caged butterflies had broken free and they were now flapping their wings in every single crack of Carmen’s being—and the feeling was driving her insane.
Was this what it was like to truly open yourself up to the emotions a certain someone could make you feel? To let in everything that one single person was capable of sending your way?
“Uh,” Carmen paused to clear her throat, “Mum and Dad. Well, I had a complicated childhood so—so it was hard, I guess, for them to tell me they loved me. And the rest of my relatives, well, they pretended to just not notice my existence.” She looked down at her lap, her hands toying with each other. “But Hunter, he, uh, he just…he would just casually say those three words to me, you know? When we were playing together or when we were about to say goodbye for the night and go back to our own homes. I mean, at his age, all the guys tried to act cool and not hang around their little sisters or any girls for that matter. But he never cared, you know? He wasn’t afraid to show that I mattered to him, that he’d rather spend his lunch breaks at school with me than the other guys.”
Carmen sighed deeply and tilted her head back on the seat, letting her eyes flutter close for a brief moment.
“But,” she opened her eyes and pulled her brows together, “but then he grew up and was no longer the boy who wasn’t afraid to show love. In his place was a brick wall, closed off to everyone, not showing even a sliver of emotion. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because I knew him in a way nobody else ever did, but the minute I saw the tiniest crack in his armour, I just held on to it with both hands and didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t give up on the one person who made me feel belonged when I was a kid.”
When Carmen turned to look at Asa, she found his eyes already on her. They were conflicted, confused, hurt, angry—a myriad of emotions that kept crashing into each other and fighting for dominance.
“Why?” he asked quietly, shaking his head at her like he genuinely didn’t understand—couldn’t understand—what she was doing. “Why now, Carmen? Why are you even telling me this?”
“Because I’m tired of looking at you from across the hallway and feeling myself lose you all over again,” she told him, her voice growing hoarse. “And this is me trying to give you a piece. Trying to let you carry something of mine with you. You must have wondered why I just welcomed Hunter back with open arms, and while I am honestly sorry for doing so without ever considering your feelings, I do want you to understand where I was coming from. And that it wasn’t a place of me wanting to hurt you, but from a place where the six-year-old in me just wanted her brother back.”
Carmen watched him for a moment longer, searched his eyes for something—anything—but she came up empty. But that was okay. It was okay because Asa had crossed the entire bridge towards her time and time again, not stopping at a midpoint and waiting for her to meet him halfway. But Carmen was standing at that midpoint now. She was telling him that she was ready to walk that bridge too.
And if Asa needed time to process the fact that Carmen was now willing to build the very bridge that she’d burnt to ashes, then she supposed he wasn’t asking for too much.
Carmen had taken that first step; she’d shared with him the very first piece of herself. She was finally finding her way back to him, and it was both the ending of one thing and the beginning of something else all at the same time.
So, with her heartbeats a little steadier and her breathing a lot more calmer, Carmen climbed out of the truck and began walking towards the familiar door of her home, away from Asa.
And she hoped and hoped and hoped it’d be the last time she’d ever walk away from him.
•••
“What are you doing?”
Carmen looked up at Hunter’s voice, the small smile on her face stretching slightly further.
“Breaking my crayons.” She grinned at his incredulous expression.
Hunter blinked once,
