My breath came in shudders, but I held on tight to the pillar, fighting to keep the sobs at bay. A realization sank like a stone in the depths of my being. James wouldn’t want me to give in to the darkness just to rescue him. No matter how bad things were for him.
Something rustled behind me. I snapped my head around.
Bryan shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Sorry, didn’t see you there.”
“It’s okay.” I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie, glad I hadn’t bothered with any makeup on my way out.
He moved in front of me, his broad shoulders blocking the worst of the wind. “Are you okay?”
Those images of the shadows wouldn’t go away, the dark hand, Tim’s vacant stare. They haunted me still.
“I don’t know.” I refused to meet Bryan’s gaze. Instead, I ran my hand through my hair. Halfway down, it snagged on a mass of tangles. “I don’t know what’s real any more.”
“You look like you need to sit.” He eased onto the cement bench, and I moved next to him. “What’s wrong?”
I nodded, tears clinging to my lashes. I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking. “I’m so confused.”
“When I’m confused, I just go with my gut. What’s your gut telling you?” He wrestled his arms from his bomber jacket and bundled it around me.
I wrapped it tighter, snuggling into the fleece. At least someone knew what I needed, even though I hadn’t noticed the cold until now. Maybe if he knew what happened last night or the night before, he’d take it back. I swallowed and inhaled deep.
“My head tells me to do what my family wants and go to finish my Nexis initiation.” The images rushed back, and I closed my eyes to shut them out. But that only made them clearer. Snapping my eyes open, I lifted my face to the gray sky. “But my gut tells me there’s something I’m missing, something I’m not aware of yet. Maybe something my brother figured out before he disappeared, before they made him disappear. But that just sounds crazy when I think about it too much.”
Those aqua eyes glowed against the steely sky. His Adam’s apple bobbed with an audible gulp. “I think you’re right about James. He was on to something—that much I know.”
“Do you know anything about my brother?” I reached for his hand and he flinched like I’d shocked him. His fingers were hot under mine. I studied his face, strong cheekbones outlined by dark stubble, eyes darting back and forth. Not in a sinister way, more like he struggled to recall something.
“Only through my sister.” His eyes stopped dead center, and his jaw dropped. He stared at my hand over his. “How could I have forgotten? It’s as clear as day right now. I was still in junior high, but I remember Abby’s story. About the Guardians taking someone in right before graduation, after Nexis ousted him. Apparently he was afraid of something. Right after graduation, he moved into the chapel and slept there. He was never alone, always with two of the Guardians’ biggest guys, like bodyguards. Abby said it was the weirdest thing. It had to be James.”
His words triggered a memory of my own that was fuzzy at first, but clearer now. My family had been in town for James’ graduation. The night of the ceremony, he was supposed to meet me at sundown to tell me something important, but he made a flimsy excuse and bailed on me. That night I had a crazy dream that I’d been positive was really happening. I woke my dad up in the middle of the night and told him I saw James in some weird library. Dad said he believed me and went to find James. The next morning Dad came back with this crazy story about James being so distraught over his girlfriend’s death that he was running off to Europe to recover. I was crushed. We never heard from James again. Not until that postcard.
When I shivered, Bryan looped his arm around me, scooting me closer. “Can’t believe I remembered that all of a sudden.”
“Me either.” I nestled into his side, hoping he wouldn’t unearth my double meaning. If this was true, then Will had lied to me when he told me about James. Why would he leave out something like this? He was a freshman then, but he still had to know more than he let on. That creeped me out even more. “But why would James leave without a word to any of us?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered into my hair. “But you said it yourself. Your family wants you in that club. Maybe that’s why.”
I shook my head. James knew me better than that. “But that didn’t include me. I couldn’t care less what club he belonged to.” There just had to be more to the story.
He drew back to look at me. “I’m sorry. I’m not helping, am I?”
“I don’t know about that.” My lips curved at the beautiful concern in his eyes. “Things didn’t make sense until you told me to listen to my heart. At least I don’t think I’m crazy any more. That’s a big improvement.”
“Good to know I have some effect on you, even if it’s only keeping you sane.” A laugh rumbled from his chest. “I believe I said, go with your gut, not this mushy heart stuff.”
I didn’t have the energy to laugh. Still, the burden of uncertainty over James lifted like a weight off of my heart. If Bryan’s story and my memory were true, then it was just another clue to help me figure out what really happened. I finally felt like I was on to something. I let my shoulders relax and my head sink onto Bryan’s firm shoulder. As he stroked my hair, I
