I sip my beer and say nothing. Truth is I'm feeling really kind of pissed off at her right now. That crack about my dress not looking as good as hers is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't get past the fact that if I go public with how I feel about Ryan Kim might destroy me. It's ridiculous. We aren't in sixth grade anymore, so why am I still afraid of her?
"Okay, what is your problem?" Kim snaps. "You're really dragging the party vibe down right now, Taryn."
I finally face her. "I didn't like what you said about my dress not being as pretty as yours. Mine is just as pretty. Maybe even prettier in fact. What you said was rude and mean." I slowly blow my breath out, proud of my new found bravery.
Kim looks at me for a moment then cracks up. "Oh my God! Seriously? Oookayyyy. Sorry." She snorts and drains her cup. "Need more beer!"
I watch her wander away and then Pam appears, throwing her arms around my shoulders.
"Taryyynnnn!" She's already drunk and the party's just started. I have this insane desire to join her. Maybe if I get wasted I won't remember how crappy my night is going.
"Hey, Pam." I drain my cup and someone shoves a can of beer into my other hand. How convenient! I pop the top and take a swallow.
"So, what is happening with you and Patrick? And Ryan?" Pam grabs my beer and takes a drink before I snatch it back.
"Nothing. Patrick and I are just the same as always. And Ryan is just a friend." Just a friend. I feel sad. Beer is also my friend; I take another drink.
"You should totally let Patrick fuck you tonight," Pam hiccups. "I'm going to have sex with Kyle. We're all going to have sex tonight. Everyone." She laughs hysterically and stumbles away.
My cell chimes and I look down to see if it's a text from Ryan. It's not. It's just my mom telling me she and Ethan won't be home till the early morning hours.
I sigh and wander around. Patrick and Jason are holding Kyle upside down while he drinks beer through a long tube. Everyone else is having a good time and I'm just...here with my beer.
I cradle the can to my chest and wish I had someone to snuggle with. What's wrong with me? Why is Patrick the only guy that wants to be with me? Why can't it be Ryan?
"Dance?"
I look up at one of the random basketball players. I think his name is Tim, or Tom, or something. Anyway, he's cute and not so tall that I risk whiplash looking up at him.
"Sure." I give him a little smile and ditch my beer, following him over to where everyone is dancing to techno music.
Fuck it. I'm here, I'm sad, I might as well enjoy myself. I put my arms around Tim/Tom's waist and we start to sway to the music. When he bends down to nuzzle my neck, I don't stop him. I'm feeling a little buzzed from the two beers and I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything.
◆◆◆
I'm drunk. I'm really, really, really, really drunk. I know this, but I don't care. Because suddenly it feels awesome to not give a shit. Patrick is here and there, sometimes he's by me and kissing me and other times he's running around yelling about football and wrestling and I'm just here, on a couch with my beer. I think this is like my seventh or eighth can? I've lost count. I'm just really happy right now. Happy and drunk. What a way to be!
The basketball player, who's name turns out to be Trey, which is nothing like Tim or Tom, is sitting next to me. Occasionally he tries to make out but mostly he just sits there, trying to make conversation.
"So, uh, you going to prom with Patrick?" he asks.
"Yep. He's my boyfriend." When I hear myself say it out loud, I start to laugh. And I can't stop laughing, I laugh so hard I spill my beer, then my laughter turns to tears and I feel so horribly bad again. Patrick is my boyfriend and I don't want him to be. I want Ryan! "I'm going to prom with Patrick!" I wail.
Trey jumps off the couch. "Yeah, okay, I'm gonna leave before you puke on me."
I watch him hurry away. "Sure, leave. Only Patrick wants me. Because I'm such a loser." I sniffle and hug my beer some more.
Suddenly there's a happy commotion near the stairs and I hear a bunch of cheering and shouting. Holy crap, Mr. Hayes has come to Jason's party! I want to get up and see why he's here but I am pretty sure if I get to my feet I'm going to pass out.
"Mr. Hayes, I freakin' love you man!" Jason is hugging him.
Mr. Hayes is laughing and untangles himself from Jason's arms.
"Looks like a rockin' party, dudes!"
I wince. Yikes. Old people should not try to talk cool. It's cringey. But he looks really fine, Mr. Hayes does. He's wearing torn jeans and a long sleeved, thin grey sweatshirt. His sleeves are rolled up and he has leather cord bracelets on both wrists. Oh, my Jesus. He's so freaking cute. He needs to come and talk to me. He really does. I just need to get his attention.
I wave my hand weakly in the air. If the room would stop spinning this would be easier.
"Mr. Hayes..." I call out but there's too much noise and commotion surrounding him. He's talking to Jason, his hand on his shoulder, his face concerned. Oh wow, I hope he's not going to call the cops.
"Misserrr Hayessssss!!" I raise my voice and I think I'm shouting, but I'm not sure. "Come here...come sssit aside me..." Why is my tongue so large? I stick it out and try to see if it has indeed gotten bigger
