Chapter Sixteen
It's really hard to make out in this dress. Ryan and I are squeezed into his back-seat kissing and he keeps trying to feel me up but his hand is getting lost in all the crinoline. It's so ridiculous, him fumbling around and searching that I suddenly start laughing and then he starts too and we're just shaking in the back seat and hugging each other.
"Oh my God!" I try to control my giggles but it sure feels good to laugh. It's much better than crying.
"I have no idea how to find your panties under all this stuff!" Ryan complains between laughs.
"Maybe I shouldn't have worn any." I'm trying to flirt even though I'm not really into this right now. Which is crazy, it's insane! I finally have the boy of my dreams, Ryan North, he of the adorable grins and little dimples and sparkling eyes, right where I want him. And I feel...nothing.
Now I do want to cry and turn quickly from Ryan and put my hand to my mouth. Why did Michael have to be there tonight? Why did it still hurt so much when I saw him? Why couldn't I just forget about him already?
"Hey, you okay?" Ryan puts his arm around me and pulls me close. When I don't respond he leans over and kisses me again, nibbling on my lower lip and I feel guilty. I have to at least try with him. It's not his fault I'm still hung up on my pervert teacher.
I kiss him back and drop my hand to his crotch, rubbing him through his pants. Our kisses intensify and Ryan manages to get a hand inside my dress and is squeezing my boob. I want to start laughing again but I can't do that to him, so I slip my hand down the front of his pants and into his jockey's.
"Oh!" Ryan jumps a little as I take him in my hand and then begins kissing me even harder, smashing my teeth against the inside of my mouth.
I wrench my mouth to the side. "Ryan, God, don't do that! It hurts."
He mumbles an apology and buries his face in my neck, trying, I guess, to give me a hickey. I cringe, he's really kind of sloppy with his mouth, too wet and it feels gross. Crap, this is not turning out anything like I thought it would.
Then I realize the boy is limp as noodle in my hand. He is not anywhere being hard, not even a tiny bit. I slow my strokes, running my thumb over the top of his cock the way I did with Michael, who seemed to love it.
But Ryan just keeps slurping on my neck and stays floppy.
I pull back and slip my hand from his pants. "What's wrong? Don't you like me?"
Ryan sits back and closes his eyes while I wipe his slobber from my neck.
"I do like you, Taryn." He finally looks back at me, his eyes cloudy. "It's not you...it's me."
Oh.
I move away slightly and fix my dress. "Okay. Not me but you. Alright, I get it." Rejected yet again.
Ryan grasps my hand in his tightly. "No, no, no, Taryn, you don't understand. It's not like that. I like you; I really do. And I wish to God I could like you the way you like me. Sexual, like. But...I can't."
He won't look at me now and is staring straight ahead out the front window, at the deserted road where we've parked.
"Ryan..." I don't know how to ask without making him feel bad. "Are you...?"
He shakes his head violently. "No! I'm not gay. I know that's what you're thinking. It's what Kim thinks too, but I am not gay."
I throw my hands up helplessly. "Well what then? Why aren't you attracted to me?"
"Because..." Ryan's eyes have gone all empty, his face paling under the dome light. "Because I'm not attracted to anyone, Taryn. Girls or boys. No one. I'm not gay...I'm asexual." He sits back against the seat, swallowing hard.
Asexual. Well things certainly make a lot more sense now.
"Hey, it's okay," I tell him, even though I have no idea what it must be like for him. "It doesn't change the fact that you're a super sweet guy."
He raises his eyes to me. "A super sweet guy who can never have a proper relationship."
"Stop. So you don't want sex, big deal." I shrug. "I mean really, in a way you're lucky. Sex can really fuck things up. No pun intended."
Ryan huffs out a laugh then we both crack up again.
I lay my head on his shoulder and we hold hands. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you off."
"Well, I just want you to know, Taryn. That if I could feel anything like that for someone, I would want it to be you. I really mean that."
I smile up at him. "Aww, that's sweet." I pause, running my fingers over his palm, tracing the lines. "So, I guess us being boyfriend and girlfriend probably isn't really going to happen."
He sighs. "Probably not."
I nod, and nestle tighter against him. "Okay," I whisper.
◆◆◆
I watch Ryan pull out of our driveway and head down the street to his own house. So that's my senior prom. Wow. I smile a little to myself when I think over the events of the night. I'm a little sad that nothing will ever happen between Ryan and me, but at the same time I know it helped him a lot to be able to finally share this secret that he's kept buried for so many years.
I hug myself and look across the road and down the hill where I can see the city lights shimmering below. Must be nice, I think. Being able to share your secret. The secret I'm carrying, about Michael and I is burning a black hole into my heart. It hurts so bad but there is no way in hell I can ever tell anyone. Who would understand?? I'm not sure I even understand.
