“Okay, let’s talk,” he said, and I swallowed hard.
“I did not leave with Joshua because of what happened to you. I swear. If I would’ve thought for two seconds and truly got my head out of my butt to focus, I would’ve noticed you were in pain, and I would’ve stayed to try and help.”
Macon walked beside me. We didn’t hold hands, we didn’t touch, but I could feel the heat of him. I had to wonder what I wanted, what I was doing. But my needs weren’t essential right now. Figuring out how we could continue talking to each other was.
“I thought that you didn’t want Joshua near me because I’m trying to deal with whatever the hell’s going on in my mind. I don’t lash out. I don’t hit anybody. But I sometimes break out into cold sweats, and I get stuck in my head a lot. Back in…that time.”
I looked at him then and pressed my lips together before letting out a breath.
“I don’t know what it was like that night. I do know that you pushing Cross away to save Hazel probably saved her life. But I hate that you were hurt. And I also hate the idea that you thought I would keep Joshua away from you because of your reactions.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head. We paused under a light, and I looked at him. “I wanted to keep you away from him because you were fighting. That’s something that I’m still not okay with, and I need to figure out. But I see the way you are with him. And I don’t want to bring men into his life that will just walk away. But you and me? We’re trying to be…friends. And with so many of our relationships entwined these days, I don’t think the Brady brothers are going to be leaving Joshua’s life anytime soon.” It was a truth I had been reluctant to admit. I didn’t even trust myself these days, but I was trying to do better when it came to my son.
“I don’t think we’re leaving Joshua’s life either.” He paused and looked at my face. “And I think that means we’re not leaving yours.”
“I’m not used to that.”
“No?” he asked, his voice soft.
It was time that I told him a little bit about Adam so he understood where I was coming from. Not that I truly comprehended it. “I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t want you to get angry.”
“We’ve already talked about the fact that I’m trying to handle my emotions. I’m not going to lash out at whatever you say right now.”
“But you’re still fighting. And I know that’s none of my business, but it worries me. Not for me, but for you,” I said quickly.
“I’m still figuring out exactly why I do it. Other than I like it. I don’t know if I need it, but I like it.”
“But you’re being safe?” I asked softly.
“As safe as I can be.”
“I’m not sure where I stand on that,” I whispered.
“I’m trying to find where I stand, as well.” We were both silent for a moment before he spoke again.
“Talk to me,” he whispered.
“My ex is out of jail,” I blurted, and he stared at me, then leaned forward and cupped my cheek.
I didn’t even know if he realized he had done it. I froze, not letting myself lean in to the touch, even though I desperately wanted to. I didn’t know what was happening between us, what I wanted, what I should feel. I just knew that I had to push him away so I could breathe. Because I was worried. And because he was…here for me.
I couldn’t trust myself. I’d already made that mistake before. I couldn’t do it again.
“Your ex.” He paused. “Joshua’s father?”
I gritted my teeth when he let go. I felt bereft. “I used to call him the sperm donor, but that’s cruel, especially around Joshua. But, yes, Adam’s the one who got me pregnant.”
“And he was in jail,” Macon said slowly.
“Your brothers never mentioned any of this?” I asked.
“No, I don’t even know if Cross and Prior know anything.” He paused. “Or if Myra and Nate talk to each other.”
“Let’s not go there,” I added with a dry laugh, wondering how I could even find humor at all.
“You’re right. However, my brothers haven’t talked to me about any of this. That is if Hazel and Paris have even spoken to them about your past. I don’t believe they would betray your confidence like that.”
“Oh.” I let out a shaky breath. “That’s good.”
“He was in jail, then?” he asked again.
“Yes, he’s not a good guy.” I chuffed a laugh. “That is the least I can say about it. Let’s just say he was, likely still is, a horrible person. And I fell into him and didn’t realize who he was until it was too late for me to get out. He hurt me,” I said quickly.
Macon’s gaze narrowed. “That’s why when you saw the blood on my knuckles after the fight, you reacted as you did.”
“Partly.” I wasn’t sure if I was ready to dive into my true feelings on that, about how the idea of Macon hurt had sent me into a tailspin. “Adam wasn’t a good man when we were together. He still isn’t as far as I know. He didn’t end up in jail because of hitting me. Or doing whatever else he wanted to with me.” Bile filled my mouth at the words, but I didn’t want to go into detail. Thankfully, Macon didn’t ask.
“Why was he in jail, then?” he asked softly.
“Drugs. They got Adam on possession, yet he didn’t have enough on him to get any real time.
