My heart gives a hopeful patter at that idea. Sassy as ever, Lexi is quick to shut it down. "He doesn't know what to do with it? He's a guy. She's a girl. There was a bed. I think it's pretty obvious what he was supposed to do with it."
Jessa shakes her head at her older sister, holding onto her insistent grin as she twirls her lollipop between her fingers. “He was probably being a gentleman. I’d bet you half my paycheck that he was trying his best not to take advantage of Penn in her drunken state.” Jessa is the youngest of my friends. Young and naive. A total sucker for fairytales and happy-ever-after endings. Sometimes, it puts her out of touch with reality.
My cousin gives me a cautious look. I can tell she doesn’t want me getting my hopes up. “Hold onto your paycheck, Jess. Walker has had his whole life to make a move on Penny. I’m pretty sure if he wanted to do it, he would have done it already.”
Even though her words perfectly mirror my thoughts, it turns my stomach hearing it from someone else.
“Well, how else do you explain him running out on her?” Jessa demands, and the girls continue their discussion of my love life as if I’m not sitting right there.
I toss my empty cup into a nearby garbage bin and flop back in my seat. "I interrupted him on a date with another woman,” I tell them. “He was probably just in a rush to get back to her, whoever she was.”
“He left his date to come save you?” Lexi arches a brow.
“Yes.”
“And then he went back to the woman?” she questions.
“I guess so.”
Lexi groans, giving up on trying to decipher the situation. “He makes no sense. The man is a puzzle. And he’s always so moody.” She grabs a cookie and takes a messy bite.
As baffled as I am by Walker’s behavior, I have an overwhelming need to defend my best friend’s honor. "God—I hate when people say that. Everyone is always so hard on Walker. They don’t know him like I do. He’s not moody. He’s just misunderstood." And my stupid heart knows how to love him in every single one of his moon phases.
“You have nothing to worry about,” Jessa presses. “You two are going to end up together. Just watch. I’ve got an eye for these things.” She's such a hopeless romantic. It’s borderline nauseating how positive she is. Makes me wonder what had to happen to a person in their childhood to make them so damn optimistic.
Regardless of what she says, deep down, I know the truth. Walker's not into me. He’s already made that clear. I just selectively choose to forget that on nights when I’m feeling particularly desperate. Nights like last night.
My best friend may be indifferent to me but I sure as hell am not indifferent to him. The man makes me feel everything. Lust. Annoyance. Frustration. Self-doubt. Compassion. Anxiety.
Love.
I love him.
It's the kind of love that haunts you. That invades every cell of your being.
The kind of love that sets your soul on fire.
Walker Kingston is in my blood. My feelings for him are a disease. There's no cure. I gave up a long time ago on getting over the way I feel about him.
So, I live with it.
Silently, I struggle every day to manage it, doing my best to keep it under control. Meanwhile, he holds me at arm's length. As if he subconsciously fears that this 'thing' I've got—this love burrowed into my brain, into my bones—might be contagious.
I may never get over him, but I should really do more to keep my distance. He shouldn’t be the first person I call when I’m in trouble. Because all it does is cause me more pain.
And in any case, it's time for me to take the reins of my life. It’s time to set ‘The Dreaded Plan B’ into motion.
“I’m going to have a baby,” I blurt out.
Iris falls off her chair. Jessa’s lollipop drops from her mouth.
“Come again,” Lexi deadpans.
I stand, letting myself pace the cracked floor tiles. I’ve been thinking about this for months. I've started saving for the procedure. Still, I’ve been too scared to pull the trigger. But now I’m ready.
It’s clear that no man will ever replace Walker, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go after what I want in life just because I can’t have him.
“I’m thirty-three, and I’m ready to start a family,” I say conclusively. “I don’t need a man for that. I’m ready to get a sperm donor and have a baby on my own.”
“You’re going to be a…single mom?” I can tell Iris is picking her words carefully. I see the subtle horror in her expression.
The two of us grew up in the same household. My mother thrust me into her sister’s home and ditched me to pursue her dream of being a high-profile attorney. Aunt Lucille did her best to parent Iris and me without the support of a partner all while running her hair salon but a lot of the time, our household was pure chaos.
I’ve seen what being a single mother looks like, I know it’s not always pretty. But I want this. And I know I have what it takes to be an amazing mom. Even if there’s no father in the picture.
Lexi caresses her belly protectively. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this on your own? I have Cannon at my beck and call and sometimes, this pregnancy is still the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
“Yes. I’m definitely sure.” Pregnancy might be hard but it’s also beautiful, fulfilling, right?
“I adore kids but they're expensive,” Jessa adds. “It seems like Callie grows out of her whole wardrobe every few weeks. It’s ridiculous.” Jessa was recently hired as a nanny for Walker’s five-year-old niece to gain more experience with children until she can land a kindergarten teacher job. “Raising a child will cost a ton. How will you afford it?”
It’s a fair question, I guess. Everyone knows
