“I know the costs. I’ve done all the research.” I stop pacing. “I’ve been thinking...maybe I could start putting my degree to use. Maybe I could hop into interior design.”
An excited squee bursts from Lexi, mixing with Jessa’s chirps of encouragement. I see a glimmer of something in Iris’s face but she’s warily holding onto her reservations. She's always the cautious one.
“Don’t look at me like I’m crazy,” I address my cousin. “I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I can build up my business as a side gig until the baby comes, and by that time, I’ll be able to quit bartending and have enough clients to focus on interior design full time,” I explain, if only to put my cousin at ease.
My friends nod slowly around the table, finding no holes in my well-thought out plan. I feel good about my decision. I feel good about having a clear direction in my life.
Last night, I was pathetic, needy, desperate. That's not me. Or at least, that's not who I want to be. I am a strong, confident, take-charge woman. I stand on my own two feet. And I will single-parent the fuck out of this baby.
Iris is the first one to break the tension. My little cousin rises and throws her arms around me and pulls me into a hug. “Fine. Fine. You’re having a baby.” She laughs excitedly.
“We are having a baby,” Jessa corrects Iris as she and Lexi pile onto the hug. And then, we’re all laughing together and my friends are promising to be there for me, through every step of this crazy adventure.
And all the while, there’s this pang in the pit of my gut, this tiny corner of my soul wishing things could be different. For Walker and me. But it’s time to let go.
All my life, I've been in love with my best friend. All my life, I've waited for him to notice. I'm done waiting.I'm moving on with my life. I’m having a baby.
5
Walker
Rainwater dripping into my eyes, I use the toe of my boot to nudge open the back door of my parents’ guesthouse, just up the path from my farm. Laughter and music pour out to greet me.
“There you are!” My mother sings happily, her sky blue eyes twinkling at the sight of me. She wipes her hands on her apron and eases the overflowing basket of vibrant organic cucumbers, spinach and tomatoes from my arms. “Give me a minute to whip up this salad, then we can eat."
I tear off my wet jacket and cowboy hat, and hang them on the hook by the door. "Sounds good, Ma."
I make my way through the kitchen, where Dad is stealing freshly-baked rolls behind Ma’s back. He startles when I clap him on the shoulder and I chuckle to myself. The guy thinks he’s sneaky but as usual, Mom catches him and swats at him with a kitchen towel. Laughing, he placates her by coming up behind her and kissing her on the cheek. She melts and her face turns pink.
No one will ever love Ma like he does, that’s for certain. Even after all these years, even after all the drama life has flung their way, they’re still nauseatingly in love.
In the dining room, I find my brothers surrounded by their women, waiting for the family dinner to be served. Cannon has Lexi all tied up in his arms, dancing out of tune to a slow old-time blues song. As usual, my brother is being a handsy, love-drunk fool. Jude’s here too, and his lap is full of Iris as they laugh and snuggle at the dining table.
I’m not jealous. I’m happy for my younger brothers. I just can’t help but feeling like a fifth wheel here.
The Kingstons are a tight-knit crew. But I've always felt like an outsider in my own family. It's not that my parents treat me any differently or that my brothers give me any less shit than they give each other. It's just this knowing I've always had deep inside of me, this knowing that I'm the odd one out. And being the only single adult at dinner here tonight sharply highlights this feeling of isolation.
We sit down to eat a few minutes later. My five-year-old niece is going around the table, setting out the cutlery. “I’m going to sit next to you, Uncle Walker,” she announces confidently, staking a claim on the place beside me.
See, I'm her fave uncle. I always knew I liked that kid. I smirk at Jude and Cannon.
Callie is my brother, Eli’s, daughter. He committed a heap of fraud-related crimes that landed his scheming ass in jail. His so-called wife chose that precise moment to skip town and leave their kid behind. I can't decide which of them disgusts me more. Thank god my parents stepped in to take care of their little girl.
The child plops down next to me at the table and gives me a face-wide grin as she explains her motives. “Because you don’t have a sweetheart.”
“A sweetheart?” I question, as I ruffle her cute little head. Damn though. The things that come out of the mouth of a five-year-old. “What do you know about sweethearts?” She may be cute, but she’s a feisty one.
She proceeds to break it down for me. “Papa’s sweetheart is Nana. And Uncle Cannon has a sweetheart. And Uncle Jude now, too. You’re the only one with nobody.”
What the hell? I shoot a look at my parents who both shrug innocently. What the hell are they teaching this girl?
If I had any doubts about whether my family considers me pathetic, the answer is pretty clear right about now. The only people present who aren’t part of a couple are me and the five-year-old. So, yeah. Maybe I’m feeling a tiny bit jealous and bitter.
“Thanks, kiddo,” I mumble.
“I blame it on the plaid,” Jude pipes up, pointing his teacup at my shirt. “You’re an okay-looking guy but the flannel isn't exactly a pussy magnet.” He laughs at his own joke.
With
