I bite my bottom lip, almost bursting to share the news with my girlfriends. "I...I found a sperm donor."
Jessa's eyes widen. "Really? That's so exciting." She claps her hands together. The girls form a circle around me.
"And very fast," Lexi notes. "I thought it'd be a whole, long process."
I glance down at my shoes and say, "No, it was surprisingly...simple."
I can almost feel my friends' eyebrows quirking up.
I can't string them along any further. "Guys, it's Walker," I confess. "Walker will be my donor."
"Walker?!" Iris blurts out. "Walker Walker?"
"Big, grumpy cowboy, Walker?" Lexi grips her belly like her water's about to erupt from shock.
Jessa's grinning so wide and her eyes look like they're going to pop. "You two are together now?"
"Oh gosh, no!" I say dismissively, trying to act aloof. "We're not together!"
Iris's eyebrow tucks into her hairline. "So, what's the deal?"
I shift my attention to an antique china set displayed on the table beside me. "I'll be doing artificial insemination using Walker's specimen." My friends all look too dumbfounded to request an explanation. I give them one anyway. "He came over last night and offered to go to the clinic with me and provide his specimen. Before you guys say anything, he promised to sign over his parental rights and give me my space to raise the child on my own."
"This doesn't seem like a very good idea," Iris says cautiously.
"I know—it sounds crazy," I concede. "But I'm the coupon queen. Why would I buy sperm from a stranger when my best friend is offering his up for free?” I drop the teasing and confess, “Plus, this thing is a whole lot less scary if I'm doing it with him by my side."
“What about all the risks? Have you weighed all of them?” my cousin questions, always thinking the worst. I can’t blame her. She’s been through a lot of crap over the past few years, especially before Jude came into her life. But still, she needs to trust me on this.
“I have. I’ve done more than my share of research. I know all the odds. I know the medical risks,” I explain. “I’ve been especially careful, checking about my liver. I’ve discussed it all with my doctors, and they agree that I’m not at a higher risk for pregnancy complications, being a living organ donor. I’ll be fine. The benefits—holding my very own baby in my arms—far outweigh any medical risks.”
Iris speaks softly, resting her hand on my forearm. “No, I'm not talking about the medical risks here. I'm talking about the risk to your heart. You’ve been in love with Walker forever." She eyes me cautiously. "This seems like a recipe for disaster.”
"Stop being dramatic, guys." I act aloof despite the bite of concern I feel deep inside.
"Penny, the whole point of having a baby was so that you could move on with your life, take your focus off of Walker, get over him," Lexi reminds me. "Letting him be your sperm-donor is low-key dysfunctional."
My gut clenches. I wish I wasn’t so transparent. I know she's right. But people do stupid shit when staying in denial is easier than facing the truth. “I’ll be fine,” I say, even though I’m not sure. The words come out all high-pitched and strangled. As always, I’m a shit liar. I can’t even lie to myself.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Iris asks, still skeptical.
“One hundred percent sure,” I answer.
I know they think I’m rushing into this, but nothing they say will make me change my mind. This is exactly what I want. Iris and Lexi believe in the traditional set-up—a husband, a home and a happily-ever-after. But that's not in my own future. I have to accept that.
“Well, I think it’s all meant to be,” Jessa says in a dreamy voice. “I think everything is going to work out for you and Walker in the end. Just you wait. You’re going to be a big, happy family before you know it.”
Ha. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
“Well. I’m a realist. I’m not holding out any hope for a storybook romance with Walker. I just want my baby. Me and that sweet little kid are going to live happily ever after.” I run my fingers along the edge of the vintage dining table.
The shop owner calls out from the back of the store. "You girls gonna buy anything or what? Lock-up time is in ten minutes."
"Jeez, Shirley. Give us a second." Lexi throws the woman a glare then lowers her voice. "With customer service like this no wonder no one comes in here."
Jessa giggles.
"Let's just go decide on a rug and get this day over with..." I mutter, my mood now sour.
Lexi and Jessa amble off but Iris remains by my side. "I know you think you've figured out what's best but I just don't want to see you get hurt, Penn."
"I know."
"So promise me you'll think it over. Before you do anything drastic. Please?"
"Fine." I mutter. But despite the freshly-planted seed of doubt in my gut, I'm not changing my mind.
I'm having this baby. With Walker.
10
Walker
My cell phone has been attached to my hip for the past few weeks. The one time I left the device in the barn, I was rewarded with 17 missed calls from Penny.
I learned my lesson.
Since I convinced her to let me help with this insemination thing, she’s been buzzing with excitement, getting everything prepared. Day and night. She’s been going to doctor's appointments, doing her research and bombarding me with all her findings. She’s become a fanatic.
I’ve been trying to act unaffected but to be honest, I’m pretty high, too. Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions of my friend’s life and she's allowing me to be a part of it. Primal pride soars through my veins every time I think of that.
She could be doing this with some faceless jackass. But instead, she’s leaning on me. And although I have my reservations about the methods she’s using, although I’m not excited about having to
