“Right. Friends,” Cannon mutters.
“Don’t you think we would have gotten together by now if there was something more here? Fuck. We are well into our thirties now. I think that ship sailed long ago.”
Both brothers share a look that says they're calling bullshit. Dad eyes me skeptically, but keeps his mouth shut. I don’t know why no one in my family will believe me.
Even the barber makes a judgmental, non-believing sound in his throat.
Penny is the perfect woman. But she’ll never be mine. This sperm donation is the closest link I’ll ever have with her, and I’m okay with that. I have to be.
Clinton pulls off my styling cape just in time because I’m officially done with this conversation. “Sorry to cut off your entertainment, brothers, but I don’t have it in me for the banter today.” I clap Cannon on the shoulder as I’m getting up out of my chair. “Quit worrying about me and Penny and focus on getting those split ends trimmed off your hair? I’m sure your woman is sick of having to share her fancy shampoo with you.”
Jude starts chuckling. Cannon scoffs. “There’s nothing wrong with a little self-care. You assholes are just insecure about your masculinity. If you weren’t, your hair wouldn’t define you.” He lowers his voice and leans over so only I can hear. “And besides, Alexia can’t get enough of my man-bun. Gives her extra leverage when she’s riding my face.”
I’m gonna need some brain-bleach to scrub that disturbing visual from my mind’s eye. “That is too much fucking information, bro.” I shudder and head in the direction of the cash register.
I’ve got Penny on the brain.
The day is drawing near. Our first appointment at the clinic together is right around the corner. She has already texted three times today to remind me. She's excited as heck but I’ve been getting more nervous, the closer it gets.
Talking to my brothers has given me cold feet. To be honest, this whole damn thing just feels unnatural to me.
But there’s no way I’m backing out of this. Penny’s counting on me and there’s no way I’ll let her down like everyone else has all her life.
When I get to the register, Dad is standing there next to Gramps's wheelchair. I greet my grandfather with a gentle clap on the shoulder and he responds with a blank stare before looking away.
Mom's father has lived at a local nursing home ever since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. It has taken a major toll on our family, having to sit by helplessly as the disease slowly eats away at his mental capacity. Most of the time, he has no idea who the fuck any of us are. But we definitely don't forget about him. We make frequent visits and family outings like this a priority. We just want the man to know that he's loved, even on the days when he can barely recognize us through the fog of the disease.
It's my turn to pay for the haircuts so I pull out my wallet. But Dad has his credit card in hand. He's already beaten me to it, covering the bill for himself, Gramps, my brothers and me. I pat him on the back in thanks.
He was quiet throughout the whole discussion but I caught him observing my reaction more than once. My dad is a man who never wastes words. Wise as hell, too. I'm acting like I've got this Penny situation figured out but honestly, I wouldn't mind hearing his take on the whole thing. Dad never had a good relationship with his own father. He made sure not to repeat the cycle with my brothers and me.
Right now, he looks like he wants to say something, but he’s holding back. “You gonna give me your opinion on all this? Seems like everybody’s got an opinion.”
He waits until the barber walks away from the cash register. Then he squares his shoulders toward me and speaks. "You're helping your friend out by giving her a baby. That's noble, I suppose."
To a stranger, his words might sound encouraging but I recognize that judgmental look in his eyes. "I just want Penny to be happy," I say to justify my decision.
Dad lifts a brow. "But do you really, truly think that getting probed by doctors at a fertility clinic while the man she loves is on the other side of a wall jerking off into a container is her idea of a fairytale? You think that going through a pregnancy and raising a child by herself is what she dreamed about as a little girl?"
His words strike so hard. I hate it. "Penny doesn't love me. She and I are just friends. I can't be the man to give her the white picket fence, Dad."
"Then, make her love you," my father insists. "Because you sure as hell love her. You always have. Why do you deprive yourself of the things you want? You've done that your whole life. Just because of—"
"Don't say it..." I flinch before he's even uttered the words, the truth about me. I glance back to make sure Cannon and Jude aren’t listening in.
"You deserve happiness just as much as your brothers do, son. It kills me that after all these years, you still can’t see that. And it'll be a damn happy day for me when you finally stand up like a man and take what's yours." His wide chest rocks when he sighs. “In any case, make sure you know what you’re doing with Penny. I know she’s important to you. I know that if you lost her, it would tear you apart. That’s not something to play around with.”
On that, he turns on his heel and wheels my grandfather out the door. And I'm left standing there, stewing in a truth I'd rather
