“Go die,” I told him. I had tears streaming down my face. I clenched and unclenched my fists, pacing the room and snarling like an angry bull. I didn’t know what to do. I had put so much faith in Roki. I had betrayed my husband’s trust to be with him. And now … now he was a no-good liar and a cheat!
“Why are you thinking these things?” Roki asked.
I hated that he could read my thoughts, that he answered questions before I could ask them, before I could assault him with accusations. It was rude and annoying. He was annoying! What kind of pervert would continuously read my thoughts? It was another violation of my trust!
“Get out of my head!” I told him, screaming at the top of my lungs. My face must have been smeared with mascara, and I must have looked crazy. “You’re evil!” I said. “You’re an evil Min, and I hate you. I’ll never forgive you again. I should have trusted Mama. I should have listened to my gut. This is the last time I ever go against my family, against my morals. Yet …” I paused, Roki looking at me as if I were the heartbreaker and not him. “I deserve this, don’t I? I deserve it for my own treachery, for betraying Zawne. No honor among thieves, huh?”
“Kaelyn …” Roki reached for me.
I slapped his hand away. “You’re just a filthy spirit,” I said. “Geniverd is your playground, your sick human playground. Well, I won’t be your toy anymore. I’m done, Roki. Don’t ever watch me at night again, you creep. Don’t leave your scent like some pervert’s trail around me. Don’t read my mind. Don’t visit me in my dreams.” I closed my eyes and screamed, “Stay out of my life!”
Roki was weeping. “You have to trust me,” he insisted. “Kaelyn, I love you. I would never—”
But I was done. I let my body relax and dissolved into the blackness, away from Shiol and Roki’s lies.
Chapter 11
I was mad at myself mostly. I was mad at myself for getting tricked. I had let it happen. I had let Roki use me. I had deceived myself into thinking he was a good spirit, a good Min, a good man—whatever he was supposed to be. I had dug my own shameful hole, and there was nothing left to do but suffer in it, drag myself through day after day with the unbearable guilt of what I had done.
Zawne noticed the change. I was gloomy, paranoid, always sniffing the air and looking around as if Roki might appear and club me over the head. It was frustrating, because I knew he could mask his presence. It came to be that every scent generated by the atmospheric bubble around the palace made me think of Roki. The smell of jasmine at sunrise, the scent of toffee in the parlor by night. I knew he could be watching me at any time. What I didn’t know was what happened when you angered a Min. Could they strike back and hurt a human? Would Roki take out his anger on me?
I asked this one night during a meeting with the Crown of Crowns. “I know Min hurt people for fun, but can they hurt royals?”
Riedel answered, “As long as a Min fulfills their obligation to us and doesn’t reveal the Great Secret, they are free to do as they please. This is the covenant between Min and the Seeing Water.”
Again with the Seeing Water! Just what in the name of Geniverd was the Seeing Water? The Crown of Crowns refused to give me more information about it, and I left Shiol in a bad mood—again!
Later that day, Zawne called me out for my decline in attitude. “What’s gotten into you?” he asked when I woke up, staring straight into my face. “You’ve changed this last week. You’re grumpy and depressed. Have you forgotten that you’re the queen of the world?”
“I’m just tired,” I said, slipping out of bed. “I’m sorry that I don’t have your Aska training. I’m not as strong as you. Okay?”
Zawne said something, but I was already in the bathroom with the shower running. I stood under the hot water and cried silently. Why had I been so quick to let Roki consume me? I hated how much I missed him. I hated what I was doing to Zawne. I felt like garbage, like a piece of trash. I had betrayed my husband, my vows, and worst of all, myself.
I hardly touched my food at breakfast. Zawne wouldn’t talk to me. He got up as soon as I entered the dining room and left without looking in my eyes. What had I done? I had destroyed both my relationships in one fell swoop.
My visin was beeping in my ear as I poked cold eggs around with a knife. I saw it was Raad and hit ignore. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
I got dressed, moving sluggishly through my closet. I had an important council meeting in an hour, but who cared?
I got there late. Nnati was pacing by the doors of the council chamber, waiting for me.
“Are you crazy?” he said. “You can’t be late for these meetings, Kaelyn—you’re the queen.”
“Exactly,” I snapped. “I’m the queen, and I can be late if I want.”
I stopped, tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m sorry …” I collapsed into Nnati’s arms, hugged him fiercely. “I’m just so freaking tired. I … I’m exhausted, Nnati.”
He hugged me back and whispered in my ear, “I know, I know. But you’re stronger than you think, okay? You can get through this. We’re only at the beginning. Give yourself some time. You’ll bounce back.”
“Thanks, Nnati,” I said, pulling away from him and wiping my eyes. “I knew it was a good idea to have you by my side. I couldn’t ask for a better adviser.”
He looked awkward then, biting his lip as if he had something terrible to tell
