‘Oh, right,’ he said and she noticed the flatness of his voice. What exactly had he expected? ‘I’m glad,’ he said quietly.
After another moment, he said, ‘Do you ever wish we could go back to the beginning?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘To the beginning of us. Maybe do it differently?’
She wasn’t sure what to reply.
He rushed on. ‘There is so much I regret, particularly the way I treated you. It was all just so… overwhelmingly sad and I handled it like an immature kid instead of a man. I wasn’t really there for you during all the miscarriages and then with Gemma…’ The sigh that followed his words was weighted with remorse.
‘For what it’s worth, I don’t think there is a right or wrong way of dealing with it all.’ Her voice was considered and gentle. ‘You just have to go with what you have to do to survive – and that was Gemma for you. It was cutting myself off, isolating myself for me. But I don’t blame you for any of it.’
Now that she had articulated the words and they were out there, between them, like speckles of dust, she realised she honestly believed that. Two minutes ago, she was thinking he was going to suggest they get back together and now she was absolutely certain that that was not what she wanted. She wanted a clean slate, to forge her own path, to create a life of her own outside of the bubble of grief in which she’d been imprisoned for so long. The thought left her almost breathless with relief.
‘And in answer to your question, no, I don’t ever think of going back because I don’t know if I would have done anything differently. I think no one would’ve been able to convince me to stop trying to get pregnant. There was no point at which I would’ve even considered it. Until Archie, of course.’
‘I’ve been thinking about it all so much lately. Jemima, Gemma, you and me. Our weirdly dysfunctional family. I mean that is what we are, aren’t we?’
Maddie chuckled. ‘Yes, I suppose we are.’
He peered at her in the semi-darkness. ‘What I’ve been thinking is… I rewrote my will last week, made sure there were provisions in it for Jemima and… I did something that you should know about.’ He paused again and Maddie shifted impatiently on his arm, which now felt like it was digging into her side. ‘What would you say to being Jemima’s legal guardian? I mean if something happens to me and Gemma?’
This was not what Maddie was expecting.
‘Um… well, what would Gemma think about that?’
‘I don’t think she would go for it, to be honest. But if it comes to it, she wouldn’t know a thing about it.’
‘Right. It’s the kind of thing you should discuss with her though.’ Typical of Greg, burying his head and hoping it would go away.
‘I know, I will. But I wanted to tell you first. I know it’s a big ask, given everything we’ve been through, but there’s no one I trust more than you with Jemima. You are a natural mother. I know she’d be safe with you and that you would raise her like your own.’
Maddie felt a warm glow spread up from her toes, through her stomach and into her heart.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she replied.
‘That’s fine. Think it over. We’ve got time. I don’t plan on dying any time soon.’ He chuckled.
‘No, I mean, I don’t need to think it over. Yes, I’ll do it.’
‘Really? You’re sure? I know it’s unorthodox of me to ask my ex-wife—’
‘Current wife, thank you very much.’
‘Oh, yes, we really need to do something about that, don’t we?’
It was Maddie’s turn to chuckle. ‘Yes, we do before Gemma finds out you’re not actually divorced yet. She’ll be wanting a big white wedding once she’s lost the baby weight.’
Greg looked at her in mock horror. ‘Meow, Mrs Lowe! Well, at least I’m not having another affair this time.’
Maddie giggled. ‘Seriously though, I know me and you are over. I wish we weren’t, but it is what it is and I’d like us to stay friends. I’d like to be a part of Jemima’s life if I can and it would be an honour to be her legal guardian. Not that I’m wishing anything bad on you two, of course! But watch your back. That’s all I’m saying.’
Greg guffawed. ‘Ooh, so dangerous. I love it!’ Then he kissed her again. ‘In that case, Mrs Lowe, if this is the last time we are going to do this, let’s do it properly…’
15
Maddie’s phoned chirped, pulling her from a fitful sleep. She was lying on the couch under her duvet, the lounge curtains closed to the midday light, trying to block out everyone and everything.
It was another Snapchat from Jade.
She pulled the message slightly to the left and read:
Halloween. Mark loves it and with so many people around in masks and costumes, you can get right up to his door. Perfect opportunity.
Maddie let go and the message pinged back as though she hadn’t read it.
The last week was a blur. At least she had thought it was a week, but then she also suspected she’d lost a few days in between, because it was apparently Halloween tomorrow.
That meant today was Wednesday and Greg had been dead for ten days. Where had that time gone? She’d stayed indoors, buried away, like the old days, feeling that numbness blanket her like bubble wrap, cushioning her, protecting her. She had had no concept of passing time.
Jade had been peppering her with Snapchat messages, threats, notes under the door – anything to get her to respond, to get her to admit she had a plan. But Maddie had ignored it all, not let any
