This all felt familiar. She had come full circle. Just when she thought she could see a chink of light shining through the heavy clouds after the miscarriages and her separation from Greg, just when she thought she was getting back on her feet, enjoying the flashes of autonomy her new life afforded her, the clouds had gathered again, shutting out that faint ray of light and plunging her into darkness once more. She had gone into survival mode again, functioning on only a basic level while trying not to think too much, not to feel too much. Just like those darkest of days when the most inconsequential of daily tasks had felt like a feat of endurance.
But now Jade was demanding action, commanding Maddie to respond. She’d even told Maddie that she couldn’t see Ben until it was done, using him as a bargaining chip. Over the last few days Maddie had let her mind poke around the edges of what Jade wanted her to do and the numbing quicksand of grief in which she was trapped meant she was less horrified by the idea of the task at hand now.
Maybe it was because she had nothing left to lose. Maybe it was because she had nothing left to care for.
Snapchat pinged again – this time a video. Maddie was intrigued enough to let it play. Jade standing outside Teddington police station. The camera panned down to her feet climbing the steps up to the main doors. Then Jade’s voice saying, ‘Don’t ignore me, Maddie.’
Maddie sat up, a flare of panic making her heart tick faster than it had in days. All along, Maddie had kept saying to herself that Jade wouldn’t go through with her threats, but seeing her in the video was enough to pull Maddie back to the present.
She couldn’t think straight. Even if she was of sound mind right now, how did she go about planning a murder? It was all so callous, ridiculous, unbelievable.
Jade seemed to think Halloween was an opportunity. She had a point – everyone disguising who they were, causing mischief, knocking on doors. But what would she say if she got Mark to open the door? Should she say anything? And what did she intend to do? Kill him? Did she need a weapon?
Was this how you did it? One step at a time when you’re planning a murder, right?
How the hell had she got here?
Back in those days when she had first met Greg, she certainly never thought she’d reach 38 and be childless, widowed, unemployed and contemplating the murder of an innocent man.
It was funny how things worked out. But Maddie wasn’t laughing.
Perhaps the best plan was not to plan at all. Let fate decide how this would play out. Just turn up on his doorstep and see. Or she could do nothing and let the police decide what her future held. There was a calm acceptance of that as an option. A prison cell wasn’t an unwelcome idea at this stage. This was all her fault, after all. She had brought Jade into their lives. She had brought all of this on herself.
She deserved this for what had happened to Greg.
She was faulty, broken, defective.
Yes, she’d been here before. The dull, numbing stillness that followed another shock, another disappointment, another sadness. She could feel herself settling into autopilot, letting her mind take over the logistics while her heart scrambled to repair itself.
Except this time, she didn’t think she would come back from it.
If she went into that cell, she’d never come back out. She thought of Luke suddenly, how genuine he was, quiet and kind. That had potential, if she wanted it to.
So was she really ready to lie down and surrender?
Or was there enough of the old Maddie left, the one who kept going, who never gave up, even when everyone told her she should? That Maddie could figure a way out of this. That Maddie could see herself getting Jade off her back and moving away, far from here with its memories and ghosts.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment and thought about Greg. What would he tell her to do?
And that’s when she knew.
If she was blamed for everything, then Jade would get away with Greg’s murder and that wasn’t right. Jade should be punished too. She should be left with an indelible scar, something to remind her of what she had done. Greg deserved that at least. A surge of determination coursed through her veins, melting some of the ice that had settled there.
She had to make sure the truth came out somehow.
First things first, she needed to get a screenshot of the messages Jade was sending without her knowing. But how? Jade could tell when her messages were read and saved. She threw off the duvet as an idea came to her. All the boxes left over from her move were still piled up in the spare bedroom and her old digital camera was in one of them. She could take a photo of the screen with an old-school camera rather than a screenshot. That would work.
She opened boxes and rummaged among the mementos of her life, pushing aside books, letters and photographs. She felt a flicker of worry that she wouldn’t find the camera, that it would all be in vain and she would have to think of something else, the idea of which was exhausting and demoralising. Then her hand fell on the slim, cold, metal body of the camera. Miraculously there was just enough battery life left to turn it on.
Resuming her position under the duvet in the lounge, she opened the Snapchat message properly and took a photo of it with the camera before replying:
Fine. I’ll do it tomorrow. Send me the address.
*
Jade read the message and smiled. She knew Maddie would come through. She didn’t want to know the details
