After that, Ryan had introduced Loobey to Sean, who was two years above them at school. Even then, Sean was crazy, but having him as a friend meant that no one in the entire school dared mess with Loobey ever again. With a little bit of breathing room, he was able to build his confidence and find his feet. Eventually, school hadn’t been so bad. You could say it was Sean who had helped Loobey to come out of his shell, but it had all started with Ryan’s kindness. No wonder he was the first of them to get married. People had always loved Ryan – and Sophie most of all. She was a sweet girl from a nice family who never seemed to complain or lose her temper. On the dozen or so occasions Loobey had met Sophie, he had liked her a lot.
But Ryan isn’t sure he wants to marry her. Man, that guy doesn’t know how lucky he is.
“You sure you’re okay to watch him?” Brett asked Loobey as everyone stood inside the cramped bedroom. Sean was lying on one of the twin singles, already asleep. They had agreed to let him nap for an hour at a time before somebody woke him and checked on him. Loobey offered to keep watch until morning.
“I’m fine, mate. I got a nap in earlier, didn’t I? Tell you the truth, I ain’t been sleeping much through the night lately.”
Brett chewed the inside of his cheek, eventually nodding. “All right. If anything happens, you come get me right away, okay? Keep an eye on his breathing.”
Loobey waved a hand. “It’ll be fine. Get some sleep, you lot. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
Tom left the room without argument. From the evening he’d had, he probably just wanted to get his head down and be done with things. Brett exited next, leaving behind Ryan and Aaron.
Ryan turned to his younger brother. “Hey, can you leave us alone for a minute, bro?”
“Sure, I’ll see you in bed.”
“I’ll be right along.”
Once they were alone, Ryan turned to Loobey. Loobey knew what he would say, so he raised a hand and spoke first. “I’m fine, mate, seriously. I’m going to feel like shit with or without sleep, so it might as well be me who stays awake.”
“You need your strength. We don’t want to make your… you know?”
“You can say the word cancer. It won’t upset me. Look, I’ll sleep in the morning when you lot sort this mess out. I’m just glad I missed the worst of it.”
Ryan nodded, his face a mess of confusion and hurt. It was clear to Loobey how much this weekend had meant to him. “It was rough, Loobs. I still can’t believe it happened. Sean needs proper help.”
“He’s always been an addict,” said Loobey, looking down at their sleeping friend. With his eyes closed and still, he was harmless. Innocent. “We can act like it’s all his fault, but when did any of us try to help him? We’ve always laughed at his mad antics and invited him along to every booze-up, but we never once told him to take it easy. I know everyone hates him right now, but I just feel sad, you know?”
Ryan exhaled and seemed to deflate. “My head’s a complete mess, Loobey, and I think it’s because I feel the exact same way. Despite what Sean did tonight, he’s still our mate. In his right mind, he would never want to hurt any of us.”
“Problem is, Sean’s rarely in his right mind lately.”
“Which is why he needs our help. I suppose we’ll talk about it tomorrow. You sure you don’t mind the rest of us getting our heads down?”
“Nah man, it’s sound.”
Ryan gave Loobey a hug then left. Loobey collapsed on his bed, gasping for breath. The excitement of the last hour had knocked him for six, but he knew he would be okay in a few minutes. This happened all the time. He just needed to lie still.
Lie still until my body forgets it’s dying.
At first, Loobey learning he had cancer had been the scariest thing ever – nothing was scarier than dying, right? – but then he learned that being alive with cancer was even worse. Despite the doctors telling him that his odds of surviving were constantly improving, he had grown weaker and weaker, until he barely felt like himself any more. He was closer to death than ever, even as he fought to live, but it was what lay ahead that worried him most. Health was no longer a straight line, it was a rollercoaster, and he never knew when the next drop was coming. His biggest fear was that he would eventually start fearing life more than death. If that happened, it would all be over. The only light in his life was Lucy, and the thought of leaving her behind caused him even more pain than the cancer.
Three years old. Is that all I get? I want to see her grow old. Fuck, I want to grow old.
It isn’t fair.
Sean muttered in his sleep, tormented by a nightmare, or perhaps remembering his actions from tonight. No matter what happened, Loobey wouldn’t turn his back on his friend, and he didn’t think Ryan would either. In a way, the three of them were the true heart of the group. As teenagers, their loyalty had always been to each other, but Brett and Tom had held other priorities. Brett had always kept one eye on the future, studying his arse off so he might one day escape. He had always pictured something better – something that most likely didn’t involve
