That is, until I creep my way through the dark cabin, the dawn only now lighting up the distant mountain peaks outside the windows, and see the fireplace.
I remember Esteban.
Sitting right there on that couch.
Boy that was a fucking trip.
I really shouldn’t drink scotch at high altitudes, or something like that.
I smile at the memory, about how real it felt, about how good it feels to know Esteban is dickless and in hell somewhere, and then I make my way over to Evaristo’s room.
He’s awake, barely.
Enough to take down my order for some decorations and Christmas presents, including the most expensive pair of earrings he can find, something fit for a queen. My queen.
Then, while he drives off with a few men to Monterrey to pick it up, I grab an axe and my parka and I head outside.
Now it’s lighter and, lo and behold, it snowed all night.
I have a brief vision of myself on my knees in the middle of the yard, and a woman with her hand on my shoulder, a feeling of ruin and peace and love all at once.
I shake it out of my head.
Crazy fucking dreams.
I head out toward the pines and finally find a good-sized one near the edge of the property. I have Diego come and help and we cut it down. Drag it into the house.
Then while Diego sets up the tree, I get started on breakfast.
It’s one of the things I can do well, and I know exactly how my wife likes it.
I quickly whip something up for her, then I bring it up to her room.
I gently knock, and when I don’t hear anything, I open the door.
Luisa is sleeping on her side. Vicente is sleeping in his crib.
My heart swells.
I really don’t want to wake them, even if the food is hot.
But then Luisa stirs, rolls over slowly, and opens her eyes.
Lifts her head to look at me.
“Javier?” she whispers. She frowns when she sees the tray I’m carrying, probably confused, which in turn makes me feel like a dick since I’ve never done this for her before.
I don’t say anything, in case I wake Vicente. I slowly bring the tray over to her and put it on the bed.
She sits up, staring down at it. “What is this?” she whispers.
I answer by grabbing her face and kissing her, long and deep.
When I pull away, her confusion has intensified. “I don’t understand. It’s not Christmas until tomorrow.”
“I know. But we can start today,” I tell her, sitting on the side of the bed. I place my hand on hers. She’s real. This is real. More fragments of my dreams wisp through in my head, that feeling of wanting to connect and being unable to, the awful yearning and pining and disconnect.
But Luisa is real.
Her hand is solid, warm in mine, and I can still taste her on my lips.
I stare deeply into her dark eyes and I see the woman I fell in love with, the woman who never stopped loving me, the woman I never stopped loving.
I just forgot to show it for far too long.
“I know I’ve been a shitty husband to you,” I say softly. “And a terrible father to Vicente.”
Her face falls. “Javi…”
“I have. I know it. It’s okay. I’m owning up to it for once. My ego doesn’t like it, but my ego isn’t important right now. You’re important, Luisa. You and Vicente. You’re both my loves, my life, and I need to start making things right. I need to be there for you, for the both of you. You can’t go through this alone, raising him. It’s not fair to you at all. You’ve done such an amazing job, but I need to do it right alongside with you. More than that, I want to. I want to.”
I can’t blame her for the suspicion in her eyes as she stares at me, but soon that wariness melts. Her face crumbles, a tear falling from the corner of her eye.
“You would do that?” she asks.
“I should have done it all along.”
She leans in and wraps her hands behind my neck. “Javi,” she says softly, resting her forehead against mine. “You know I love you, don’t you?”
“I do.”
I really do.
And I can’t ever afford to lose that love.
“You know, I’ve been crabby lately, too. It’s not all on you. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate what you’ve done for me, for us, because you really have done so much.”
“Please don’t apologize,” I tell her.
Her hands move to my face, holding me there. “There’s a reason why I’ve been so emotional and cranky lately,” she says softly, staring deep into my eyes. “It’s because I’m pregnant.”
I blink, the world starting to spin.
This can’t be.
“What?” I whisper.
“I’m pregnant,” she says. “I took a few tests last week…I wanted this to be your Christmas present.” She peers at me, worry washing over her brow. “Are you happy?”
Happy? Happy didn’t quite explain it.
“I’m…beyond happy,” I manage to say. “Just fucking amazed. You’re pregnant. We’re really going to have another baby.”
Another baby.
Another soul to love.
“Yes,” she says, tears in the corners of her eyes. “Yes, another baby. So it’s good timing you say you want to help out more, because Javi, I’m going to need it.”
“Whatever you need, I’ll give to you,” I kiss her softly, a riot of emotions flowing through me. “I promise you that.”
“Well, you already started with breakfast,” she says, looking down at the tray. “This was really nice of you.”
“There’s more coming,” I assure her, kissing her hand. “Just don’t go downstairs for another hour or so. I want you to be surprised.”
She frowns. “Surprised for what?”
“You’ll see.”
The Christmas I promised. The tree with presents under it, the decorations, everything her wonderful heart has desired.
Memories push into my brain, my sister Violetta telling me I’m on the right path. I just don’t know where this path leads, or what
