My head collapses into a dark place.
My heart barely beating.
Agony. Only agony.
Only one way out.
I grab my coat, my wallet, and then I head out the door and down the stairs.
I step outside into the falling snow and I pull my collar up, not even looking around to see if Kayla spots me.
I don’t want her to spot me.
I just want the pain to go away.
I want to feel numb again, to shut it all over, to close up the wound instead of slathering it with salt. There’s a deep-seated need that overrides everything else inside me, that promises that this will all be over and I need to feed it in order to survive.
I need to feed it in order to survive.
I head down the street toward the bottle shop.
Five
Kayla
I’m in the park across the street when I see his mother exit the building and go marching off through the snow. Against my better judgement I follow her, just around the block. I want to know where she goes, if she’s part of some scam and has people waiting for her, if she’s homeless, if she’s doing better than she looks.
Then I stop myself. Decide it doesn’t matter. It can’t matter, not after what happened last time when she guilt-tripped Lachlan into giving her money, then didn’t even show up to the wedding like she promised.
Good riddance to her. I’m just happy that Lachlan managed to get rid of her, even though I know how hard that must have been for him.
Then my chest freezes over with dread.
I need to get back to him.
I turn around just in time to see a glimpse of Lachlan leave the building and disappear around the corner, his coat collar hiding his face. He was walking with urgency, and away from the park, so he’s not looking for me.
Suddenly I know where he’s going.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.
That wretched woman drove him to drink.
Everything that happened last time is playing out again, only this time I might have the power to stop it, or at least talk to Lachlan before he does anything. I have to try. I have to give it my all, even if it’s futile.
I start running after him, the dogs trotting beside me, slipping on the snow as I run across the street and down the sidewalk.
There he is, right up ahead.
I still have time.
I keep running, the dogs keeping pace, thinking this is some sort of game as they dash through the snow, but this isn’t a game at all.
For us, it’s everything.
“Lachlan!” I yell when I’m close enough.
He doesn’t stop. I know he heard me, I’ve been in this scenario before.
I shake my head, grumbling to myself, even though my heart is filled with fear. Once he sets his mind on drinking, there is very little I can do to stop him. I’ve warded him off a few times, but in the end it’s all about him. It’s his choice. It’s his conviction. You can’t make someone choose you over the drink, because it’s not even close to being simple. There’s a monster inside Lachlan that obeys only the thirst, that tricks him into thinking he can both make me and the monster happy, that he can handle it, that it’s only just this once, that everything will be okay once he makes the pain go away. The way Lachlan describes it sometimes, is that he feels like he’s doing harm to his body by not drinking.
But we’ve gotten through those rough patches before.
We’ll do it again.
I just hope to spare us both the pain.
“Hey!” I yell, catching up to him, grabbing him by the arm.
He whirls around to look at me and the guilt in his eyes radiates intensely.
It’s that guilt that will save him.
“Kayla,” he says, mouth open, trying to find the right words when there are no right words. He swallows. “I’m sorry.”
Fuck he’s breaking my heart.
I pull him to the side, away from the people passing in the street, giving us privacy. “Don’t do this,” I tell him.
He stares at me, blinking, and then I notice that he’s holding back tears that start to swim in his eyes.
I reach up and cup his cold face in my hands.
His chin drops. He closes his eyes, a tear spilling down. He’s breathing hard, in and out, and I know his hands are in fists, trying to hold himself together. He’s as fragile as he’ll ever be right now and I need to keep him from breaking.
“Don’t do this, please,” I say to him. “I know you want to, baby. I know that you think it will make it go away, and it will. It will for a little bit. You’ll get your escape. But everything will be so much worse for you after. I’m not going to leave you, you know that. I will stay by your side. I won’t think less of you. But you will think less of you. You’ll have to live with that guilt and you don’t deserve to carry that burden.”
“I need to,” he whispers, eyes still closed, brows pinched together. “You don’t understand it’s that…I need to. I need to make this go away. No one should ever have to carry this much pain in them.”
“You’re right. No one should.” My heart cracks as I feel him tremble between my palms. I hold him tight. “No one should and you don’t deserve it. What you do deserve though, is a woman that loves you. Family that loves you. Friends that love you. A city that loves you. Dogs that love you. You have so much fucking love, Lachlan McGregor. It’s what you deserve, it’s more than anyone can hope for in their life. Don’t let that woman define you. Don’t let her dictate your pain. If you give in, then…she’s hurt you again. Don’t let her do that to you. She doesn’t have that power unless you give it to her.”
“I just wanted
