Jesus Christ, she’s close enough to touch. I can practically smell her, the suntan lotion she’d put on, the Herbal Essence shit she washed her hair with.
I can’t even put a lid on my feelings, there are too many of them slicing and dicing inside me, ruthless and slick.
“I don’t want to see this,” I tell my sister.
But my sister just gives me a sympathetic smile while Ellie starts walking down the hall with her beer, heading to the bedroom.
“Fucking hell, don’t do it, Angel!” I yell at her, surprised at the nickname coming back. Surprised at everything that’s coming back. Feelings. Motherfucking feelings that should have stayed buried in this house.
“She can’t hear you, Javi,” Violetta says again.
It doesn’t matter. I’m running down the hall after Ellie.
That is, until she suddenly stops dead in her tracks.
The beer slips out of her hands and she catches it at the last minute.
A loud moan escapes from the bedroom.
My moan.
I’m fucking that redhead hard and here is Ellie, the then love of my life, listening to us.
I remember that day, but naturally I never saw any of this.
It makes me feel sick.
Then Ellie opens the door.
Because that was her problem. Always too curious.
And I don’t need to see what she sees.
I know.
I know what I did.
She closes the door quietly and then turns to face me. For a moment I swear she sees me, her face starting to crumble. Then she slips on the mask that always served her well. Picks up the six-pack from the counter, strides toward the garage door.
Part of me wants to go back in the room and kick the old me in the face, but I know it would do no good.
I listen to the other part instead.
The one that runs after Ellie and into the garage.
She gets in her truck and backs out, heading down the street.
I expect her to drive off, but halfway down she stops.
The car turns off.
I start running.
My feet are soundless against the pavement, telling me I’m not really here, I’m not really here, this is a dream, a terrible bad dream.
And yet I am here.
I smell the ocean, hear the waves.
My heart beating erratically in my ears.
And I see Ellie slumped over her wheel, bawling her eyes out.
I go around the hood of the truck and peer at her through the windshield, fascinated and horrified.
She lifts up her head, the pain and anguish on her face hitting me square in my chest. She hastily wipes away the dark streaks of mascara and then adjusts the rearview mirror, watching the house.
Ellie opens a beer and has a couple of gulps, and fuck, I almost smile. To observe her as she was then, knowing what I know now. She was so young and in over her head and I…I ruined her.
Violetta comes up the street and stops beside me.
“Had enough?” she asks.
I shake my head, knowing there’s more.
Then the door to the house opens.
The redhead comes out. I think her name was Michelle, but it’s hard to remember now. She walks across the street to a Mercedes. I made her park far away to seem less suspicious.
Ellie’s eyes follow her every move, her mouth twisting with bitterness, then pure disappointment. I know what she’s feeling, that the love I had for her wasn’t real, but that wasn’t the case at all. I loved her more than anything…and that love became my greatest fear.
The woman drives off in the Mercedes, and Ellie…she explodes.
She screams, the sound ripping out of her, slamming into me. I have to grip the hood of the truck to keep myself on my feet.
She thrashes in the seat, biting the seatbelt, hitting the dash and the wheel with her fists. She cries and she cries and she cries, in so much pain that I have no choice but to feel it.
“How long does she do this for?” I ask Violetta, my heart breaking.
“Hours, Javi,” she says. “She does this for hours. Then eventually she goes back inside and pretends like everything was fine. And then she leaves. For good.”
I can’t even swallow the brick in my throat. “This is my greatest failure, you said.”
“Yes,” she says. “But not for the reasons you think. This was your chance to have gone good.”
I give her a sharp look. “What are you talking about?”
“You cheated on Ellie. You lost her this night forever. Don’t talk to me about what happened later on, she was gone on this night, never to be yours again. You fucked up Javier. You ruined your only shot at redemption.”
I shake my head, glancing at Ellie, still sobbing uncontrollably. “No. She wouldn’t have…I would have corrupted her. She would have turned dark, she was already heading there. She had been lying to me this whole time!”
“That’s what you think because your ego is so damn large. But you were young then. You were finding out who you were in the world, and what your place was. You had ambitions, but you had just gotten started. Ellie…had you not cheated on her, fucked her over like this so callously, she would have rubbed off on you. She would have made you turn away from the cartels. You would have been happy together, married, with kids. Safe. Loved.”
I shake my head. “No. I refuse to believe that.”
“And I asked you to listen to me. This is important. I’m showing you where you went wrong. Ellie didn’t want to be a con artist, it’s all she had ever known. She had a purity in her underneath all the mud. You saw it in her. That’s why she was your angel. You knew it. You knew you would have traded it all away for the simple life with her.”
“And that’s why I did what I did,” I say quietly. “Because I
