"Ask me how long I've felt like this," I pleaded, my hands itching to pull her into my arms again.
"I can't," she whispered and frantically fumbled for the door handle behind her.
Chapter 17 Jocelyn
If I stopped to think about what I was doing, I would've moved more slowly. Been more thoughtful about my foot placement, or the fact that I was wearing heels.
"Jocelyn," he called out when I gripped the handle on the roof of his truck and swung my legs over.
Out. I had to get out.
I couldn't ask, because if I asked, I'd know. And if I knew, it might make me think back on the five years through a lens that all of this was a giant, huge fake.
Levi was already opening his door when I slid down the seat, which was what made me look over my shoulder at him. I didn't pay attention to where my foot was landing until my ankle slipped to the side, and my other foot caught on the step up into the truck.
I cried out, my hand gripping the handle as tight as I could manage as my legs slid out from under me. My other hand came up to grasp blindly at the door handle.
"Shit, Joss, hang on," he yelled as he sprinted around the truck to me.
I felt awkward and weak and pathetic, my legs dangling helplessly, twisted up like a pretzel. And I felt irrational. Manipulated. Lied to. Like everything we'd been through was fake. Contrived.
Even though I tried to breathe myself out of the tight, snapping squeeze of panic wrapping around my lungs, I couldn't.
I felt his hands on my back, and I tensed up.
"Don't," I snapped. "Please don't help me right now."
My forehead pressed against my forearm, and any tears I'd held back before hit my cheeks with hot strikes, little lashes of the most acute embarrassment. My hands tightened, and I pulled up as hard as my arms could manage in their awkward placement.
With a quick glance down at my legs, I straightened them as well as I could, quads and glutes shaking. I heard the bounce of wheels hit the ground, and my chair appeared behind me. Silently, Levi clicked the locks into place.
I took a deep breath and lifted my head, trying to ignore the wetness on my cheeks. When I felt like my feet were straight and my ankles steady, I dropped the hand on the handle and brought it down to my chair.
Relief almost had me falling backward because if this entire thing had ended with me literally curled up on the ground, I'd never, ever be able to face Levi again.
My other hand gripped the armrest, and I lowered my body into the chair. I was shaking when I set my feet onto the footplate.
He'd stayed silent the entire time, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he had one hand covering his mouth and the other propped on his hip.
I couldn't bear it. My own reaction, not even factoring in what happened after, had me sinking my face into my hands so I could just … hide for a second.
Kissing Levi. Oh, my heart could hardly think about it without triggering a fresh wave of tears.
"Joss," he pleaded. "Talk to me."
I took a second, quick swipe of my fingers under my eyes to clear the tears before I unlocked my chair.
Stay, stay, stay, a voice screamed in my head. I felt jittery and frantic, the desire to flee so overwhelming that my body couldn't even risk listening to my head.
"I-I can't be out in my driveway for this."
Okay, that made about zero sense, and even as it came out of my mouth, I heard the screaming illogic of it.
But where that desire came from, I damn well knew. If this was the one sliver of control I could regain over this situation, then I'd lift my chin and go back into the house like it made all the sense in the world.
Levi breathed in and out, loud and frustrated, but he came after me, closing the passenger side door when I was clear of it. His quiet was almost as frustrating as if he was pestering me with questions or demanding I stay and talk to him.
The quiet was patience.
The quiet was persistence.
The quiet was constancy. Humility. A composure that one of us was severely lacking.
The quiet was absolutely fucking terrifying.
I felt my nose tingle as I got to the top of the ramp and dug my keys out of my purse. My hand was shaking so hard that I could hardly fit it into the lock.
Levi gently took the keys from my hand and slipped the key in. I stared straight ahead, but I could see the tension tight in his jaw.
Nero greeted us happily, and his massive, wiggling body brought a tiny smile to my face as I scratched his head.
"Back up, Nero," Levi said, and my dog complied instantly. I pushed forward until I was by the couch. Levi closed the door, locking it behind him.
Nero's excitement faded instantly because he could sense the tension in me. His snout shoved underneath my hands, and he lifted up, whining loudly. "It's okay, bud," I whispered. "I'm okay."
Levi stood by the couch, hands still on his hips. "Want me to put him outside?"
My hand trembled over the ridge at the back of Nero's skull. He felt like a suit of armor I desperately wanted to wrap around me, but I nodded.
Levi whistled, and Nero hesitated for a moment, licking my hand furiously before I told him to go. He bounded toward the slider, which opened and closed immediately.
Before Levi joined me in the room, I stared at the couch, trying to decide if I would feel more comfortable there, but the decision was made for me when he came back in, long sure strides in my direction. Levi sat on the couch directly in front of me, where I'd have no
