Even as the words came out, I knew how unfair they were. Everything I'd heard from him, and everything he hadn't said yet, but what I could see in his eyes, I wanted to hide from. In my head, the words were a bulletproof vest, unbreakable and unyielding.
Levi breathed in and out, his eyes trained firmly on my face. He then ripped that vest apart like it was cardboard.
"Bullshit," he whispered.
"What?"
He slid forward on the couch and grabbed the wheels on my chair so I couldn't move, his face inches away from mine. Air slid harsh and fast from my nose as I struggled to breathe.
"I call bullshit. My best friend is not a coward, and right now, you're acting like one. You're using this flimsy piece of metal and rubber as an excuse, and it's bullshit."
There were no words that I could spit at him, nothing that I could hide behind, because he knew, and I knew he was right. But there were no words falling off my tongue to tell him that. They were stuck down my throat, in my stomach, somewhere hidden and coated in sticky, thorny pride.
Levi nodded slowly because, damn him, he saw it.
"I hate you right now," I whispered unevenly, tears burning hot in my throat and nose and eyes.
"You don't hate me." He matched my tone. "You may not like me right now, but you don't hate me, Jocelyn Abernathy. It scares the hell out of you that your wheelchair doesn’t bother me, that I don't care that you're the prickliest woman I've ever met in my life, and that I’m not running off because your legs don't work the way you want them to."
One tear fell over the edge of my lashes, and he swept it away with his thumb. There was no lingering this time, nothing romantic in the way he touched my cheek.
I cursed my stupid pride. My stubbornness. Because there was this tiny spark, this sliver of light that made me want to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him again, but I couldn't. I couldn't.
He didn't mean it.
He couldn't mean it.
That he'd been in front of me this entire time, and never said a word, never hinted, I just couldn't force my head to move past that. Not with him sitting in front me saying everything that I should want to hear, but everything that terrified me the most.
"I—" I started but stopped again, shaking my head. "I can't do this right now."
Levi didn't move for a few seconds, searching my face with those bright golden eyes. Then he nodded slowly.
"Of all the times I imagined this date," he said sadly, "I never imagined it would end with you crying before I could even take you out to dinner. I should've done this better. Handled it better."
He stood fast, and I exhaled a rough breath, a hand coming up to my chest. Yup, my heart was still there.
"Call me when you're ready to talk, okay?" he asked.
I nodded.
Then he leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head, which had me tightening the hand on my chest. Before he left, he opened the slider for Nero, who bounded over to me and burrowed his head on my lap.
I risked a glance at Levi, and on his face was a sad little smile.
"I told you that you look beautiful, right?" he said.
Another tear slid down my cheek unchecked, and I nodded. He was turning to go when I found my voice again, just enough to give him something. Something other than my fears.
"I promise I'll call soon," I told him.
He paused with his hand on the door, and I saw his shoulders relax.
When the door closed behind him, I wrapped my arms around my dog's neck, unleashed my sobs, and soaked his fur down to the skin because nobody was there to see it.
Chapter 18 Jocelyn
"Joss, honey, how long has it been since you've done … well … anything to your hair?"
The frosting spatula didn't so much as waver while I spread lemon buttercream over the four-layer raspberry cake as I turned it on the lazy Susan.
"Are you trying to tell me something, Joy?"
She cleared her throat, and I kept my eyes straight ahead.
Oh, I'd been a real peach the past four days. When I did talk, it came out like a snarl. Because if I tried to sound pleasant, or like I was okay, I'd probably lose my shit.
"No, no," she hurried to say, "just curious. If it's a new trend, I always like to know. Maybe … maybe unkempt is the new thing, you know? If anyone can pull it off, it's you. You look really wild. Kinda like you were raised by wolves or …"
Now I lifted my eyes to her. Her skin was pale.
"Wolves?"
Joy's face fell. "N-no! I just …" She licked her lips, darting her eyes around the kitchen like someone might rescue her. Mikey held his hands up and ran back out to the register. One of the other part-timers watched us like we were the Real Housewives of Green Valley. I almost offered to make her popcorn. "I just want to make sure you're okay," Joy finished softly.
Carefully, I set the spatula down and took a deep breath. Four days was the longest I'd ever gone without talking to Levi in five years. Even when he was in the middle of midterms or finals or anything, we texted every single day and saw each other at least four days a week.
For five years.
And now I'd thrown myself, quite voluntarily, into the middle of Levi detox. Withdrawals were not fun. Symptoms ranged from snappish answers, scrolling through text history searching for clues that I'd missed, eating massive amounts of ice cream and then hating myself, to pulling up
