The tears were falling and I was shaking, as flashes of the early days I had spent in that hell slipped in, while I was too emotional to hold them back.
“Livy, calm down now, Cariña.” Matt pleaded from behind me.
“Let’s take a break for a few minutes.” Rob ordered. “Ev, Cam, keep an eye on the perimeter.”
“Come on, Love. Come and sit down.” Kade wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me over to a tree. He took off his outer CPD jacket and laid it over the thin coating of snow, on the moss covered floor. He directed me to sit on top of it, and I did gratefully. I was exhausted. We had been walking for so long, and it hadn't all been easy terrain. I just didn't have the strength or muscle to master such a long hike yet, and it was showing, and was likely part of why I was becoming so emotional. I was just exhausted.
“Concentrate on your breathing for us Livy, in for three, then out for three. Push everything else out and focus on counting.” Matt directed as he knelt before me. The guys were all standing close around me, watching with concern.
“We don't have time. We should get g-going again. I’m ok.” I couldn’t sit there, holding things up, when every moment counted for that child. I moved to stand, but Matt placed his hands on my thighs, pushing me back down onto my butt.
“We’re not moving until you calm your breathing.” He said, that commanding tone he somehow switched on, firmly in place and daring me to argue. “Now, in for three. One….two….three.” I did as he said, but it was hard to get the full breath in, and I only made it to two before I had to let it back out.
“I can’t.” I whimpered. I just couldn't catch my breath enough to control it. I was spiralling and I knew it. It didn't matter how hard I tried to mentally slap myself. Being out there, so close to my own personal hell, I was losing all ability to control my thoughts.
“I WANT TO GO HOME! YOU HEAR ME? I WON’T BE QUIET OR GOOD. I’M GOING TO SCREAM UNTIL YOU TAKE ME HOME!” It had been three days since The Shadow left me in that dark room, beaten and bleeding. I had spent two of those days almost unconscious, the pain of what I thought was several broken bones and a lot of bruises and deep cuts, too much for me to bear.
Then that morning I had woken up, freezing cold, starving hungry and desperate for water. For the first time though, that morning I didn’t get sad, or cry. I got really really mad and decided enough was enough.
He wanted me to be quiet, so I decided I would damn well scream the place down until he got so mad he just took me back to my Mom and Dad.
“YOU HEAR ME UP THERE? I’M NOT GONNA STOP UNTIL YOU TAKE ME HOME YOU NASTY, HORRIBLE, UGLY MAN!”
I flinched and started to back into a corner when I heard the door opening from above. My entire body was trembling and just moving the little I had into the corner had been agony.
Footsteps started pounding down the steps and my instinct was to hide. I even started to look for a hole to crawl into, but knew hiding wasn’t the way to deal with this man. He would like it if I hid from him. He had been grinning as he hit me a few days before. He liked me to be scared.
So I shakily made my body stand and step forward, still fuelled by the anger I had awoken with. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably in fear and pain, but I wanted to be brave. I wanted to go home.
“Take me home right now!” I yelled as he stepped down the last step, and the space was illuminated by the lantern he carried.
I stared up at his ugly face, feeling defiant and sure I could terrorise him into taking me home. He wouldn’t want me if I was bad. He’d get sick of me.
Then I saw the look on his face and the words I had ready to yell got clogged in my throat. He was grinning, like he was happier than he had ever been. And his smile was so scary. Even at nine years old I recognised the look in his eyes as pure evil. I had messed up, and I quickly realised it, but it was too late.
The first strike to my face came and I crumpled to the floor, all anger and defiance gone, and replaced with terror like I had never known before.
“Olivia!” Matt’s raised voice snapped me back to reality. I looked around me, confused. I was panting wildly and shaking just as I had been in the flashback, my whole body almost convulsing.
I had forgotten about that day, about me daring to yell at The Shadow. I had likely blocked it out, because the beating I took that day, on top of the one I was already recovering from, was one of the worst. By the time he walked away and left me in The Darkness I was unable to move at all. I had laid in the same place, crying and blurring in and out of consciousness for days.
Being so close to where it happened, must have awoken the memory, but I really wished it hadn’t.
“Fuck! I knew this would happen. We have to get her out of here!” Kyle yelled. I looked up to where he stood over me, Kade and Cole either side of him.
“Olivia, you need to take deeper breaths. You’re ok, safe here with us.” Matt said, almost frantically. I looked over at him, but I could barely register what he was saying. It was like his words were
