I stepped cautiously into the dimly lit room, ready to jump back if anything came hurtling my way, but all was quiet. I looked around until finally my eyes landed on Kyle, and in that moment, my heart felt as though it actually fractured.
He was sitting in the back corner of his room, his back leant against the wall, and his legs spread out before him. His head hung down, his face buried in his hands as his shoulders shook with silent sobs. He looked more broken and lost than I had ever seen him.
I stepped over the carnage of what had once been a dresser, but was now reduced to a pile of splintered wood and drawer contents strewn around everywhere. I just needed to get to him. I had no idea if I could really help him, but I had to at least let him know he wasn’t alone, that I was with him; to hold him, if nothing else.
“Kyle?” I spoke softly, not wanting to startle him. He hadn’t even seemed to notice I was approaching him.
“You need to leave, Liv.” He sighed, not lifting his head or moving in any way.
Ignoring his comment I stepped over the last of the debris and sank to the carpet, against the wall right beside him. I longed to reach out and touch him, hold him, but I stopped myself.
“How old would she have been today?” I asked instead. Finally he lifted his face from his hands and looked around to me. His eyes were glassy, filled with tears and there were tracks down his cheeks where some had already escaped. I hated seeing that he was hurting that much, but what was worse was the look in his eyes, and the expression on his handsome face. It was pain, pure and simple, pain and anguish that I knew well. He was hurting more than I thought anyone would ever be able to heal.
“You can’t be here, Baby. I’m not in a good place. I….I can’t control my temper right now.” He whispered, like he was trying to keep a rein on himself.
“I’m not going anywhere Kyle. You get mad and smash things up if that’s what you need, but I won’t leave you like this.”
“I c-could hurt you!” He growled. “I already did! I scared you….in the gym, you were terrified.”
“No, you didn’t. Your yelling startled me, and I hated seeing you hurt yourself, but you could never, ever scare me, Ky. I trust you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.” I assured him, confidently.
His body sagged beside me, I hoped with relief that I hadn’t, as he had assumed, been terrified of his outburst downstairs. He leant his head back against the wall and let out a huge breath.
“I miss her.” He whispered.
“I know.” Anything else on top of that would have just felt like useless platitudes, and he didn’t need that. He had found the body of his three year old sister when he was nothing but a kid himself. That wasn’t something that could ever be fixed with lame words.
“She’d have been sixteen years old today.”
“Tell me about her.” I urged. I tentatively reached and took his hand that wasn’t battered and bleeding from his lap, wrapping it in both of mine and holding it tight.
“She was smart, really smart and she loved books. I used to take her to the library every week, on a Saturday morning and she’d spend over an hour choosing the stories she wanted. I used to read them to her every night before bed.”
“Did you do the voices?” I asked, remembering my Dad reading me stories at night. He had been amazing at doing the stupid voices for each character, and I imagined a young Kyle doing just the same.
“Of course. She used laugh so hard at my stupid attempts to make all of the characters have different accents.” He had a smile on his face as he spoke, and I was relieved to have him remembering some of the good. “She laughed a lot, this really sweet little giggle that would eventually erupt into a huge belly laugh. It didn’t take much to make her happy. She just loved to play and have people’s attention. She definitely had mine. I was a kid. Other kids my age hung out together, riding their bikes and causing trouble, but I didn’t care about any of that because I loved Reece, and being there for her, making her smile was all I focussed on, that and protecting her from my Dad’s temper.”
“You did an amazing job, Kyle. She looked so happy in that picture we found. You gave her the love she needed.”
“I didn’t though, did I? I failed to protect her when she needed me most.” His head dropped again, and I knew I was losing him.
“No, you didn’t. You were a kid yourself, out working to support the both of you. You did everything you could. Your father failed her, in the worst possible way.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself for the actions of a sick, selfish man. You did an amazing job of raising that little girl for the time you had her. You made the time you had together special, despite the hell you were trapped in. You should be proud of that, and cherish the special memories the two of you made together. I didn’t know Reece, but wherever she is, I know she would just want you to forgive yourself and move on, because she loved you. All she would ever want is for you to be happy.”
“How can I ever really move on when I got to live, and she didn’t? How is that fair?” He had his face buried in his
