I wondered what my parents would think of my life. Would they be upset that I wasn’t participating in the family business that they’d both loved? Would Mom be upset at Carson for turning me out of my home and sending me to boarding school mere weeks after she’d died? I hadn’t had a chance to grieve for her. I’d been lost and rootless, and Carson had flung me away so I could become a man.
It had taken me many years to see the time Carson spent with me for what it was. It wasn’t because he loved me. It wasn’t because he enjoyed our times together. It was because he was molding me into the person he wanted me to be. For the business. And my parents had let him because, after all, Carson knew best was the tagline of our household. Even though the business was left equally to both my mom and Carson, it had always been Carson who’d been in charge. It hadn’t seemed to bother my father. In truth, the drudgery of running a farm and a corporation on a daily basis would have dragged both my parents down.
My father had rarely been home. Looking back, it was easy to say that I’d hardly known him. I’d seen him for short stints in between each of his great adventures. His happy place had been on the hunt for new plant and flower specimens to add to the estate’s unique collection. Many times, my mom would go with him, and I’d be alone on the estate for months with just Maribelle and Carson.
Mom had always tried to make up for it with an outpouring of love and attention when she came home. Dad had simply gone from traveling to the experimenting, spending all his time in greenhouses and labs with whatever flora they’d brought back.
The one incontrovertible fact of my time with them was that they loved each other as much as they loved traveling the globe. And when Mom lost him, she’d been adrift.
When Tristan lost Darren, it was like seeing that all over again. A repeat appearance that had haunted my life. With some space, I could see I’d let my past fears overtake me in my present. Not for me, but for her. For Tristan.
I hadn’t wanted the same ending to her story.
I sat on the bench until I was brought back by the wind shuffling leaves onto the mausoleum floor. I wasn’t even sure why I’d come. Maybe I needed a goodbye I’d never gotten to give either of my parents, like the one I’d received in pounding my Trident into the wood of my lost brothers’ coffins. The SEAL tradition was both symbolic and healing.
A sudden memory filled me: my mom kissing her fingers and then placing them on my father’s lips as he said goodbye at the door. “I love you. Keep this with you until you can give it back to me.”
The memory hit me with a sudden desire to have that for my own. Someone to love me enough to hold on to a kiss for me. Someone who saw me, with all my damn flaws and scars and hang-ups, and could still love me. A reason for me to come back from the mission rather than a reason for me to go on the mission. Fucking Dr. Inez was right. The sudden craving felt like a gift being handed to me as I sat there. And maybe it was. Maybe my mom had reached down and offered it to me.
Regardless, it filled me with a new purpose. A new reason to move forward past the spot I’d retreated. I stood, put my fingers to my lips, and then placed them on my mom’s niche. “Keep it with you, Mom.”
My words whispered around me in the silence.
Then, I got in the car and drove back the way I came, knowing I still had a lot of shit to figure out. A lot of wounds to heal and a lot of answers to find before the mess that was my life could be straightened out.
But first, I had someone else to talk to. I’d told her I’d tell her about my parents, and after this morning’s debacle, it was time. I didn’t relish it, but Tristan was right; she deserved the truth from me, and so I’d start by giving it to her and seeing where the cards fell from there.
Dani
DAYLIGHT
“Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down,
Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town.
Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now,
It's brighter now, now.”
Performed by Taylor Swift
Written by Taylor Swift
After showering and devouring a biscuit from the basket Maribelle had left out with a note for me to help myself, I brought my laptop into the library and worked at the huge desk there. I spent hours on the phone, emailing, and writing posts to deflect the whispers about Brady being in rehab, spinning it with hints of family and needing to be elsewhere.
I hadn’t seen Nash since the incident this morning, but it was still rolling like credits at the end of a movie in the back of my brain while I worked. There was only one way to get them out. That was to find out what had happened. What he and Maribelle were both hiding. I was good at eking out secrets from people who didn’t want to share them.
I was just closing down my computer when
