Either way, I knew that secrets had a way of coming to the surface. It was like it couldn't be helped, and I figured that if there was something to know, eventually it would come out and then I would know it. Whether I would be able to deal with the answer or not was another thing altogether.
11
Frank
Leaving Amber behind was necessary, but it didn't mean that I had to like it. The time that we had spent together was some of the best times in my life, but now I worried about all of it being ruined. She had known that I was lying to her. I could feel it. Why she hadn’t called me out on it, I don't know. It just made me feel more guilty and before long, I couldn't help the idea that she was not going to understand. My secrets were pretty big. How could I expect her to understand?
If I had told her about certain aspects of my life sooner, when we first found each other again, maybe it would not seem as though I had been hiding it. As it stood now, when she found out, she was going to think that I withheld the information. In a way I had because I didn't want her to know that about me. How would I have ever known that we could get so close again? Now that we were, though, how was I supposed to tell her that I left out such a massive detail?
I got home a little after dark, and I kept looking at the clock because I didn't want to be late. Caroline hated it when I was late, and of all the people in my life, Caroline was the one that I was afraid of disappointing the most. I made it back with only a few minutes to spare, and I was there waiting for her when she got back. She had a big smile on her face and ran up to my arms, before she even put her things down. I asked her how her visit was, and she said it was the best visit to gramma’s ever.
She wanted to know what I had been doing the whole time, and I tried to relay that I had been waiting for her, of course. Although it made Caroline giggle, her natural curiosity would not let that stand as an answer.
“Come on, Daddy. I've been gone a whole week. What did you do?”
I didn't really have a good answer. A few flashes came to mind, but they weren't anything that I could say out loud. I never dated, so it wouldn’t have even been on her radar.
She finally took the answer that I did get some hunting in while she was gone. Then, of course, she wanted to see what I had gotten. When I told her that I didn't get anything, she didn't believe me anymore.
“You always get something.”
Finally, I told her that I got a deer and we would have venison steaks for dinner. I'm not sure where I was going to find them, but it didn't matter. I was feeling pretty low at the moment. I didn't like lying to Caroline. I had to lie to her every day about certain things. That was enough.
We watched a movie while I sent texts to several people that I thought might have a few steaks in their freezer. Jimmy, an old friend that lived a few houses down, said that he would bring a few over. Jimmy and I had been friends for many years, and Caroline actually called him her uncle. He didn't even ask why I needed two venison steaks in the middle of the night. He just put them in the kitchen, and then left out through the back door. I seriously did not know what I would do without him.
After the movie was about over and it was way past bedtime, I started the steaks and we had them in a darkened kitchen, before Caroline got in the bath and I talked her into bed. I didn't regret Caroline, how could I? What I did regret was not telling Amber about her. Now, something that could have been easily explained, was going to be harder to do so, because I had waited so long to say something. I know that that was my biggest fail.
When I got my phone out of my pocket, there were several missed calls from Amber. I knew that she wanted an explanation, but I didn't think I was ready to give her one. What would I even say?
How in the world had I failed to mention the fact that I had an eight-year-old daughter? We had talked about everything. She had asked me questions about my life and never once had I mentioned Caroline. It would have been so easy to do so, right when I had a chance.
I was still pretty young to have a daughter that age. How could I expect her to want to pick up so many responsibilities at her age? I knew that our feelings for each other were true, but how could I expect it to translate into taking care of another person’s child?
Maybe against my better judgment, I didn't call her back. I told myself that I would call her Monday, and we would be able to talk then. Caroline would be with the nanny, and I could keep on pretending that I was just a normal bachelor.
Why was I so afraid to tell her?
“I am sorry that I missed your calls earlier.”
“It's okay, Frank. You said that you were going to be busy. I just wanted to tell you goodnight was all.”
Amber was looking at me with a question on her face, and I wondered what exactly she was thinking. We were at a restaurant, and even though she had offered to come over and make me something at my place, I had insisted that she didn't have
