When it started getting late, I told my client that I just needed to go. I was used to running late with clients, but I wasn’t used to being as antsy as I was feeling lately. Usually I would stay and have a drink, but tonight I had no patience for work.
It was late whe I called my house to see if Caroline was still up. When I found out she wasn’t up anymore, I was relieved, in a way. That meant that I could go see Amber without too much guilt. I knew that Amber was a bit unhappy with me. She knew that something was going on and I had not really acknowledged it. I was going to have to at some point, but a big part of me was afraid that it would somehow ruin what was going on between us. To me, that was probably the last thing I wanted to happen.
I called her and she didn't answer. I left a message, but finally I just went down to see her. Her grandfather’s house wasn't too far from my own. Then I would be able to focus on something else. Right now, all I was focused on was her.
When I got down to her house, her car was in the driveway, and I was just going to take that as a sign. I walked in after nobody answered. I figured that she didn't hear me knock. I didn’t feel too weird about doing it, since I was quite familiar with the house, even after all the years that had passed since I’d been in it.
Calling out her name as I walked in, I looked around and saw that there was swaths of cloth everywhere. She had been busy, but what she was doing I had no idea. At least she wasn't packing everything to leave like she had been the last time I was there. I was so afraid of her leaving, but I knew that if she knew my secret, she just might. That was at the root of why I stilled my tongue, even though I wanted to share all of my life with her.
When I finally found her, she was in her old bedroom and she had even more cloth thrown around in there. I asked her what she was doing, and she had been so involved with whatever it was, that she jumped when I finally spoke. She hadn’t even heard me come up or anything. She was obviously completely enthralled in whatever it was she was doing.
“God, you scared me! I didn't know you were standing there. You can’t sneak up on people like that!”
I apologized for scaring her, and she just waved me off like it wasn't a big deal. Considering how much she had jumped, I felt like it was. I wondered why she was so jumpy. What was she thinking about so hard that she had reacted in such a way?
She was on the bed, hand sewing something together, and I leaned down to give her a kiss. She kissed me back, but it wasn't sweet like it usually was. She was holding back, and I could taste it. Why, though, I didn’t yet know.
When I asked her what was wrong, she just shrugged.
“I've just been busy. I tried to get ahold of you a couple of times, but it seems like you've been busy, too.”
“Work has been crazy.”
“I hear ya. I work a lot, too, but I don't usually work every single night. I didn't know that I wouldn't see you anymore once you started back to work. Do you always work like this?”
“Do you?”
I motioned to the work that was in her hand at that very moment. She waved me off and said that it was only to keep her mind occupied.
“All I'm trying to do is forget. What's your excuse?”
There was something more in the way that she asked. Right then, right then and there I should have told her the truth about Caroline. About all of it. It was a lot for her to take. It would be a lot for anybody to take, but I knew that I had to come clean. She wasn't going to be okay with not knowing and me just never saying anything. She could already tell that I was keeping something from her. How could we ever be together if she didn't know about the little girl that I called my daughter? It seemed like I was the one that was being ridiculous.
I had that moment of clarity, where I wanted to say something, but then another part of me was convinced that it wasn't even an option. The only way forward was to just get through it and tell her the truth. So why was it so damn hard to come out with it then? Maybe I was just afraid that she would leave again. Was that it?
“I don't have an excuse. I just got behind and when people give you their money to invest, they want to know what's going on. They want to get ahold of you, they want to go to meetings where you tell them how you're going to make them rich. I haven't been doing that because I was occupied with you. I guess I just have to get my face back out there, to assure them that I haven't run off with their money.”
She looked away for a moment, and I knew that it was because I was trying to make it seem like she was crazy. Obviously, there was no reason for her to be upset. I was just working after all. While it was the truth, it wasn’t the whole truth and I felt properly guilty about it.
The very fact that I made her feel that way, actually made me feel bad. As much as I wanted to tell
