“Why?”
“I love you.”
“I know you love me, Roger.” She smiled. “And Gordon and I love you. I mean why should it ever stop working?”
Shell was holding an empty silver tray and he could see her face in it through the crumbs.
“I don’t love you gently, friendly, I don’t love you auld lang syne, I don’t love you sweetheart of Sigma Chi.” He had made it humorous enough; now he said seriously, “I want you.”
“I know.”
“Of course you do.”
“No,” she said, grateful for the tray she was holding. “Not the best friend.”
“You can’t be happy.”
“Oh?”
There was something wrong with his suit, the pants hung badly, he would kill his tailor, the kitchen was too small, he wasn’t elegant.
“He never touches you.”
“How can you say this to me?”
“He told me.”
“What?”
“It was the same all through school. He can’t.”
“Why? Tell me why!”
Now information was the most important thing. Apparently Roger thought she would kiss him for it, having been trained in trade. He found himself with his nose against the bottom of the silver platter.
“He can’t, that’s all. He can’t. He never could. All you people are a laugh,” he added, speaking from his authentic background.
7
How can anybody take the skyscrapers seriously? Breavman wonders. And what if they lasted ten thousand years, and what if the world spoke American? Where was the comfort for today? And each day the father’s gift grows heavier — history, bricks, monuments, the names of streets — tomorrow was already crushed!
Where was the comfort? Where was the war to make him here and hero? Where was his legion? He had met people with numbers branded on their wrists, some of them wrecked, some shrewd and very quiet. Where was his ordeal?
Eat junk, join the enemies of the police, volunteer for crime? Correct America with violence? Suffer in the Village? But the concentration camps were vast, unthinkable. They seemed to descend on man from a great height. And America was so small, man-made.
In his room in the World Student House, Breavman leans elbows on the window-sill and watches the sun ignite the Hudson. It is no longer the garbage river, catch-all for safes, excrement, industrial poison, the route of strings of ponderous barges.
Can something do that to his body?
There must be something written on the fiery water. An affidavit from God. A detailed destiny chart. The address of his perfect wife. A message choosing him for glory or martyrdom.
His room is in the tower, beside the elevator shaft, and he listens to the heavy mechanism of cables and weights. The mechanism of his pumping hand is just as ponderous. The glare off the Hudson is monotonous. There is a pigeon on Grant’s Tomb. It’s cold with the window open.
8
Gordon and Shell talked. Gordon welcomed the talk because again it was a literary treatment of the problem. And because they had labelled their absent bodies a problem, defined the boundaries of their trouble, they were able to bandage their union for a little longer.
As Gordon put it, they had a good solid house, why demolish it because one of the rooms could not be entered? They were intelligent people who loved each other; certainly a key could be found. And while they worked sanely for a solution they must not neglect the appointments of the other rooms.
So the well-ordered existence continued, really it flourished. Shell changed her dressmaker, Gordon moved his politics farther to the right. They bought a piece of land in Connecticut which had on it a sheep fold which they intended to preserve. Architects were consulted.
Shell was genuinely fond of him. She had to resort to that expression when she examined her feelings. That sickened her because she did not wish to dedicate her life to a fondness. This was not the kind of quiet she wanted. The elegance of a dancing couple was remarkable only because the grace evolved from a sweet struggle of flesh. Otherwise it was puppetry, hideous. She began to understand peace as an aftermath.
Now it seemed she was as tired as he was. The dinner parties were ordeals to be faced. The house was a huge project. They had to be in the country every other weekend and the traffic out of the city was impossible. And it was better to buy now because next year the prices would be even higher. The big things they stored but the apartment was crammed with cookie moulds, candle moulds, shoemaker benches, wooden buckets, and a spinning wheel which was too fragile for them to let out of their sight.
Shell grew to believe, in the terms of Gordon’s metaphor, that they were living in a ruin already and that the locked door was the sole entrance to sanity and rest. But Gordon had taken pains to package the problem neatly not so much in order to examine it as to drop it into the sea. He was not one of those hairy passion chaps, it was not his nature, he almost believed, except, like all of us, he dreamed. In dreams the truth is learned that all good works are done in the absence of a caress.
A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love. Shell studied herself in the mirror, which had an eighteenth-century frame.
She was ugly. Her body had betrayed her. Her breasts were fried eggs. It didn’t matter what she knew about Gordon, the extent of his responsibility in the failure. It was the burden of flesh and bone and hair which she could not command perfectly. She was the woman, the bad flower, how could he be blamed?
Look at the size of her thighs, they spread frighteningly when she sat. Gordon was tall, thin, white, her legs must weigh more than his legs. The appendix scar was an appalling gash ruining her belly. Damn
