This just sucks.
“I know. I’m sorry. I should never have started this. I should never have let myself…uh…I’m just sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I can’t help that the universe hates me. Out of all the people in the world, I just can’t be with you and watch it go to shit and have us end up hating each other. I’d rather stop now while we still can because who knows? The signs might be real. Don’t mess around with nature. Nature is a cold, hard biotch.”
“One day,” Raiden sighs, “you’re going to have to learn how to use real swears.”
He used to say that when we were kids. He’s always said it. That’s part of the problem. This new adult Raiden is all tied up with the old one. The one who used to be my best friend. I don’t know how to explain it, even to myself. I just can’t take risks that would obliterate all those past, happy memories because they mean too much to me. I’ve already been through enough shit and been used so many times that I know nothing good can come from having a ton of money. It ruins people. Not that it’s ruined Raiden, but I think it might ruin us if we were together. He could literally have anyone and anything he wanted. I’m pretty sure he’d get bored with me, and I’m just so tired of being the one left behind.
“I don’t want to go fishing tomorrow,” I say softly, dropping my eyes to the floor. “I’m giving my notice. I just want to go home, for real. Right now.”
“Alright.”
“Alright?” My head jerks up.
“Yes. I’ll get you a ticket, and I’ll book it for tomorrow. Or tonight, if you want.”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course.” Raiden’s face looks so peaceful that it amazes me.
How can he look like that when I’m standing here and basically being a massive poopy pants? He’s way too nice, and he’s taking this far too well. I’d say it means he doesn’t care if I didn’t know better. And I do know better. Just because all the pain was replaced with something blank and kind of serene doesn’t mean he’s not hurting on the inside, where he doesn’t want me to see it.
“I’m not going to keep you here against your will,” Raiden says softly. “If you want to go home, I can’t stop you. I don’t want you to go, and I wish you’d give this a shot. I’d really like you to give it a shot. To give me a chance. Because I think I deserve one. I think we could be great like we used to be and then some. I think our parents would eventually come around. Everyone would because we’d rock as a couple. I just have this gut feeling, and I’ve trusted my gut over the years. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Okay, maybe a couple of times, but those were flukes, and I’ve learned from them. I also know what it’s like to be the one who gets left behind. I know what it’s like to get used. It sucks, big fucking time. I know where you’re coming from. I also know I can’t talk you into anything or change your mind. You’d have to do that for yourself. So, I’ll book you a ticket. But, if you do change your mind, you know where to find me.”
My mouth falls open so hard that my jaw creaks in protest.
“Are you for real?”
“Definitely. Why would I say I think we could be great if I’m not willing to give it a real shot? Sometimes, that means waiting, and sometimes it means hoping the universe will give a certain someone some opposite, positive signs.”
“You won’t wait. You have too much money and too much opportunity. There are too many other fishes in the sea.”
“People aren’t fish. And as for the money and opportunity, that’s true, but I’d rather share and do it with you. Then again, that’s me. You know how I feel. I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve already waited a lifetime for you, Zoe. There will never be anyone else like you. I was too young and dumb to realize it the first time around, but I’m not going to make the same mistake again. Now, I know I’m yours, and I know this is the real deal.”
“Please don’t say that. Don’t wait around until you’re old and ancient and then blame me for ruining your life.”
Raiden chuckles softly. It’s amazing he can do that at all because I feel like I’m about to shatter into a piss pile of tiny pieces.
“I won’t. By now, I’ve realized that sometimes, just being by yourself and waiting until you’re ready for the right person to come into your life is the best thing you can do. My life will have plenty of meaning if you don’t decide to change your mind. Sure, I’ll always wish you did, but it won’t stop me from living the best life I possibly can, even without you. Even with a broken heart.”
“Stop!”
Raiden grins at me, but I can tell it’s a little bit forced. He’s making an effort to try and make this easier for me, even if I don’t deserve it. I feel like I’ve been all over the place on this. I can’t just want someone and act this way and then panic and tell them I’m jumping ship. It’s seriously not cool. I don’t do this, I don’t act like this, and I certainly don’t let myself get carried away like this. I don’t let my passions or fears rule my life.
So why am I doing it now? The fallout feels heart-wrenchingly terrible.
Maybe I just need time. I’m not going to tell Raiden that, though, because giving him false hope
